Journal Entries
Learn from the lyrics, part 1
Posted Feb 26, 2003
The great artist of the twentieth century, Cliff Richard, wrote many songs. But did you know he put words with them aswell? Not many people are aware of this, but Cliff Richard puts in many hours each day writing lyrics. Sometimes he slaves for months over a single sentence. I contend, and so does my uncle Derek, that these lyrics are worthy of more attention than they get. So, welcome, one and all, to the mysterious world of Sir Cliff's mind...
1. We don't talk anymore. The chorus:
"It's so funny how we don't talk anymore.
It's so funny why we don't talk anymore.
But I ain't losing sleep and I ain't counting sheep."
This is typical of Cliff's work. Here we get two mundane lines followed by a spectacularly bizarre one. This is part of Cliff's artistry. Notice how he lulls the listener into a false sense of security before whacking them over the head with a completely random sheep reference. Now, one might say "Well, Clif, since you state quite clearly, that your not losing sleep, it seems unlikely that your going to be counting sheep is it, unless you count sheep in the day time, like, I mean, go to bed, sleep, wake up and go and drive out to a field and count the sheep there..." But that would be to miss the point. Not sure what the point is, but it shouldn't be missed.
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Latest reply: Feb 26, 2003
A new idea
Posted Feb 17, 2003
A new show for daytime TV. 'Great Artists' make-up tips'. Renoir is brilliant. Picasso, not so successful.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Feb 17, 2003
The Great Lizard Popsty
Posted Feb 15, 2003
Lizard Popsty was the greatest photographer of the twentieth century, and indeed, of any century before that one. He was born in Paris in 1906, to a wealthy industrialist family. When he was nine, his father presented him with an old battered second hand Box Brownie. Popsty was instantly entranced by the device and took a record one thousand nine hundred and fifty seven photographs before his father pointed out that his Box Brownie was not, in fact, a camera. It was just a box, painted brown.
"Look, son", he said, "Me and some of my poker buddies thought it would be a good little joke, but now its gone a bit too far, and well, we feel kind of sorry for you, you know, wandering all over Paris showing everyone your cardboard box and telling them it will make you famous.. I mean, your mother can't really show her face anymore, and people are beginning to think your a bit of a nutter, so we've clubbed together and got you a real camera."
This was the turning point. Popsty's first picture was of his cat, now famous for its haunting quality, and the look of serene panic in the cat's eyes. Popsty later reminised of this photograph:
"Well, I tried for a bit to get a good picture of the cat, but you know it was really hard because it kept running about and wouldn't keep still, so I eventually was forced to glue it to the table, which was alright for a bit, until mother began to wonder why the cat no longer appeared to be taking an interest in anything other than the wallpaper. I told her that cats were more intelligent than we give them credit for, but then Dad noticed the glue and I had to spend the next six weeks steaming it off the table at a very low temperature."
A few years after this, Popsty was invited by the great Ansell Adams to accompany him to Yellowstone National Park for a photographic session. At the time he wrote in his journal:
"January 10th 1931: Ansell Adams. Looking forward to this one. I will bring two rolls of film and a few sandwiches. Maybe we will take a couple of pictures of a geyser or some squirrels and then we can go to the cinema or something..."
"August 22nd 1931: God, I'm hungry."
"December 3rd 1931: .. and cold."
"January 10th 1932: Adams says he thinks that the light me be 'just right' in a few weeks. We had a celebration. A small cake with one candle. I ate the candle."
"March 17th 1932: Adams reckons it could be 'perfect' in a few hours. He has actually moved his finger to the shutter release button. Took another picture of a damn squirrel."
"March 18th 1932: We did it! At 0832 today, Adam's said 'that's it' and took the picture. I took one at exactly the same time! I left the lens cap on, but I don't care anymore. I just want to go home..."
Popsty's "Squirrels' of Yellowstone" series was well received by public and critics alike. It was generally considered that, while Adams had taken one sublime and perfect picture of the moon rising over Yellowstone, Popsty had taken ten "fairly ok" pictures of squirrels, which kind of added up to the same value for money. At was at this time that Henri Cartier-Bresson asked Popsty to accompany him on a tour of the Latin Quarter of Paris.
Popsty recorded in his journal:
"Me and HCB hung around near a disused rubbish dump waiting for something interesting to happen. I asked him if I should call him "Henri", "Cartier" or "Bresson" and he said "You can just call me 'Sir'." We watched a ladder in a puddle, for what seemed like hours, and then this man came along the ladder and jumped off the edge of it over the puddle. HCB took a picture just at that moment. He said it was "the decisive moment" just then. I took a picture just a couple of seconds later. The man had gone and the ladder had moved a bit and the sun had gone behind the clouds. I asked HCB if the moment was still decisive and he said "No.".
Popsty took what he learned from Henri Cartier-Bresson and produced a new photojournal called "The Indecisive Moment". This, Popsty said was the moment after the "Decisive Moment" when all the elements, which had just come together, now were kind of falling apart and didn't really mean much anymore. While Robert Doisneau was becoming famous for his "The Kiss Outside City Hall", which depicted two lovers kissing outside a Parisian cafe, Popsty was also courting fame with "A little bit after the Kiss Outside City Hall when Nothing Much is Happening, but you can kind of see a Car over There".
Now something of a cult figure, Popsty was not surprised when he received a call from Stephen Speilberg. Speilberg wanted to do another film about sharks, except that this time the shark was the best and only friend of a little boy who was being persued by genetic scientists from England. He wanted some pictures of London for the film. Popsty was put on the next helicopter. Which crashed. Into Belgium.
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Latest reply: Feb 15, 2003
Tactical Nuclear Warheads
Posted Feb 8, 2003
Tactical Nuclear Warheads are scary enough. But more worrying is their etymology. Particularly the use of the word "Tactical", which seems a bit redundant. Unless there is an opposite counterpart somewhere, which, naturally, would be the "Tactless Nuclear Warhead". This is the sort that turns up at anti-nuclear demonstrations and then goes "Why is everyone looking so annoyed?". Or perhaps it mentions something particularly tactless to the enemy - "You know, that wallpaper really doesn't go with the curtains" - before exploding.
Worse are its cousins, the "Whimsical Nuclear Warhead" - "Oh, I don't know, I just felt like exploding.." and the "Clumsy Nuclear Warhead" - "Oops". Nuclear satire ends ere.
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Latest reply: Feb 8, 2003
On the possibilities of interstellar space travel.
Posted Jan 27, 2003
Space. It calls to us. We humans look up at the night sky and dream, like chimps staring at a huge peanut and banana factory that is somehow miles away behind a big sheet of thick bullet-proof glass. Perhaps it is coded into our genetic information, but the urge to explore does seem to be a peculiarly human trait. Fish don't seem to be too curious about their surroundings, and earthworms simply aren’t interested.
So, what is it about space that fascinates us so? Well, for one thing it is really big, and for another, it is shiny. Humans have always been attracted to big shiny things and space must be the biggest and the shiniest thing there is. Space is the wide screen TV of the new millenium, except it is millions of kilometers across, and doesn't need a Christmas special featuring Cliff Richard dressed as Santa, surrounded by elves, singing "Millenium Prayer". In fact, wide screen TV's don't need this either, but Mr. Richard insists, so I suppose we have to put up with it.
Given the human urge to go into space and look around, it is surprising that the first being in space was not a human, but a dog. Of course, dogs have been trying to beat us to orbit for centuries, and they finally succeeded when "Leica", an alsation, managed to go into orbit in the 1950's. A consortium of Russian dogs had spent a decade building the rocket from stuff they found in bins. Furious, the Americans retaliated by launching their own dog, "Nikon", also named after a camera, from the desert in New Mexico. "Nikon", a brave Chiwahwah, only made it about ten feet or so, before exploding. Many of the researchers gathered on that day stared on in silence. Some, however, applauded. Frankie Valley released a dance record, called "Doing the Nikon", but no one bought it.
The moon landing is one of those events, like the shooting of J.R. or the launch of the C5 electric car, when everyone who witnessed it can remember exactly where they were and what they were doing. I certainly can, though I wish I couldn't. I have tried to forget that incident for years, but, it had to happen, right then - out pops Neil Armstrong with his "One Small Step for Man…" bit. Actually, however, it is not widely known, but those were not Neil Armstrong's actual first words. Buzz Aldrin, who had always been a bit clumsy, was in a hurry to get down the ladder, and so Armstrong's first words were actually "Get of my hands Buzz, I can't move". This was later modified by Richard Nixon. Buzz Aldrins first words: "Gee, this place is kinda dusty, do they do hamburgers here?" have been lost to history.
So what of the future? If you listened to the Japanese, you would think that one day we will all go into space on little talking eggs! But, of course, this is a bit far fetched. In about ten or fifty years or so, we will have houses in space. They will be square shaped and coloured blue. But that is just my prediction - and, who knows?? Maybe we will all end up living in underground tents. I mean, how should I know what will happen in the future? I just wrote this for some cash for beer and fags. I can confidently predict that I will soon pop out to the supermarket for a frozen chicken. How's that?
To sum up: Space is big and shiny. A dog went there. Cliff Richard is best avoided.
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Latest reply: Jan 27, 2003
Dr Deckchair Funderlik
Researcher U216365
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