h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I work part time as a professional balloon salesman. I find the work somewhat tedious, so I make a point of bringing my pet guinea pig, 'Charlie' to the workshop with me.

Charlie is a well trained guinea pig, so thought I could allow him to roam around the workshop freely. But this was a mistake, as I found out today. While inflating some magic-whizzers for a children's party later today, I was distracted by something on the radio. I didn't notice that Charlie had taken an interest in the deflated balloons, and in fact he must have eaten one whole. I only found out when I switched on the gas tap to inflate the balloon which unfortunately was already in Charlie's stomach.

Imagine my horror as I heard Charlie's squeeks and turned to find he had become the size of a small beach ball and was floating around the ceiling. I went into the house to call for help, and when I got back, he was gone. I had left one of the windows open, to clear the gas from the room, and Charlie must have floated out of it. I haven't seen him since.

I wonder, does anyone know if there are sattelite tracking facilities or something to see if I can locate Charlie again? It would be of great help to me if I could track his progress around the globe. At least then I would know where he is.

You are a Fluffernutter sandwich!

You could try NORAD. They're very nice there. They do a Santa tracking service every Christmas.

I've scanned the skies here in central England, but I'm afraid there is no sign of Charlie.

No sign here either, I wonder how far he could travel waht gas was it?

Maybe your cat would help? Doesn't he have satellite based watergun locating capability? Couldn't that be applied to your guinea pig? Your cat might be convinced to lend a hand if you gave him some shrimp or something. Or you could do what millions of Moms do - buy a nearly identical guinea pig, and don't tell the kids.

JEllen (/Paula )

Thank you for all of your help and concern.
Still no sign of Charlie.

Abbi, how did you know I was Fluffernutter sandwich? Don't tell anyone now, will you? The first rule of Fluffernutter sandwich is etc...

I tried NORAD, Cleo, and they were very nice. They said that they would track Charlie and even offered to shoot him down with a long range missile, out of a concern for national security. I can sleep much better in my bed now.

2legs, the gas was Aragon B12 with extra cheese. This is a specialist gas which only professional balloon makers like myself are allowed to use it. It lasts for ages. I rang them and they said that Charlie was guaranteed to orbit the globe until next Easter, and if he plummeted earthwards any sooner than that, I could have 50p of my next purchase of Aragon B12.

My cat does own such a system, JEllen. Unfortunately, however, my cat is also my sworn enemy. I suspect that it has been spending the last six months feeding Charlie with balloons coated in ginger ale just in order to provoke this incident. Suffice to say, that if these allegations prove true, Charlie will soon be joined by a slightly larger and furrier sattelite.

I didn't millions of moms did that! No wonder Charlie is 94 years old and is a different colour in every photograph!

Keep searching the skies

Comes bearing consolidatory and <>

Hmmm I wonder - Did Charlie know the queens favourite corgi? I think they may be heading in the same direction or have you checked this out already?

Hath
x

Not so much checked it out, Hath, as re-cycled the same joke twice..

..and now, I can reveal ha ha that ...

it was all an April Fool joke!!!!

Ha ha ha ha!

And everyone was clearly totally and absolutely not fooled by that one. Though some readers from as far away as Belgium have been pouring in letters and phone calls offering assistance, free balloons and packets of crisps.. Next year I will pretend to be a dinosaur.

Well...

Dinosaur - yup thats bound to go unnoticed