h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
I don't know,
How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
I don't know,
How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?
I don't know,



Next topic: The Cemetry.

There is a well kept gravel path that leads to the flinted church door
Past row upon row of names from the past, people who will pray no more.
Round the back of the churchyard, my sister disentangles,
Two sheep from a bramble bush, gently she angles their escape
Covering the bushes with her dark grey woolen cape.
She sees me now and smiles, she's still smiling though she's many miles away.
In another churchyard, on another day.

New topic: In My Budget.

When I am chacelor of the excheqer,
I will only be kind to my electors,
The ragged, rough, rest of you,
Can boil your heads in potato stew,
Whilst my party can drink lots of liquor.

Can we have a new topic please retiringviolet?

I suspect violet has retired for the night, Frank.

How about Australian flowers?

In Australia the flowers have to be bright to keep up with the parrots which are brighter than carrots.
I would choose the crazy apricot blooms of a gaunt tree unbelievably beautiful in Australian rooms.
Where adorable Sheilas propagate their feelers then drive through the desert on shiny three wheelers.
An Australian daisy could drive a fellow crazy too.
Watch out Blue, it could easily happen to you.

Next topic: Motor bikes.

With a great booming roar it zooms past,
Leaving grey, bitter air from its exhaust.
The cute, shapely blonde driver waves to me.
I jump on the back extra speedily.
To all that we pass we've a big wave.
Soon we'll have all the coffee we both crave.

Next topic: rhododenrons

Dalia's are failures as far as I'm concerned, and so are those azaleas,
But not my rhododendrons.
The power of their flower every quarter of an hour
That I spend with 'ems,
Gives me such a rush, and I adore that bush;
Not those sly jacks`with their lilacs will hi-jack me
In my mac in the rain.
I'll just go out where I know my rhododendrons
Will drive me quite insane.

New topic: cigarettes.

Three days, and still no cigarettes
If you roll your own, nobody forgets
How the smell of baccy hangs around a man
You should give it up if you can, if you can,
You will be a hero, and you will be so proud
The man who packs up smoking is allowed to shout it loud.

Next topic: Holidays

Santa comes for Sunday dinner
Once a month, throughout the year.
Come December, I'm a winner,
That is clear, so very clear.

I won't fear that he'll forget me.
Coal in stocking? More like pates!
I'll make merry if they'll let me,
When we have the holidays

Next topic: Very large turtle that stops in the middle of a busy street.

Driving through Canada, going to Toronto.
Looking for some Great Lakes, and getting there pronto.
Snappers in the side ponds, where the trees are drowning;
Snappers never serious, snappers always clowning.
As we get near the city, I notice it's a pity
That the streets are getting busy. Oh look is that Lizzie?
Lizzie lives in Ottawa and Lizzie is a turtle
That Ally bought for Maurice when he asked her friend Myrtle.
Now it's Lizzie, is that Lizzie? yes it's Lizzie in the road.
Playing cards with Maurice on a jelly overload.
Copper in the side street, and he's got a gun,
But the turtle doesn't move, she's having too much fun.

Next topic: The tennis match.

They're playing tennis in gay Paris
Now that's where I would like to be
Miss Sharapova's a sight to see
The perfect love match, made for me.


Next topic: In Your Dreams!

I save the world, then eat ice cream.
Then I find it's just a dream.
I eat a multi-layer cake,
Then (of course) I must awake.

Next topic: thunderstorms

"Phew! What a Scorcher!" as the Sun might say
It really is sunny and warm today
This morning the sky was so clear and blue
But I see some clouds are starting to brew
And they're taking cumulonimbus forms
I think we might be due some thunderstorms.


Next topic: Wet Blankets

Diverting the Amazon River through here
Was supposed to clean everything. That was my bet!
But I didn't realize--it wasn't clear--
That I would find all of my blankets got wet.

Next topic: not enough chairs in the doctor's waiting room when
you've got a painful foot.

Too many bodies and not enough chairs
Too many patients with nowhere to sit
You've broken your foot but, hell, nobody cares
You shouldn't have been such a clumsy old git

And it's not very funny
But that's how it goes
Although you're not frisky
You can still move your toes
Lie down on the floor now
It's not very cold
And wait for the doctor
To see to your sole
Sooner or later
He'll see to your soul

(With apologies to Kris Kristofferson)


Next topic: Kissing in the back row of the movies on a Saturday night

Sweets for my sweet and the dearest seat
Cigarette smoke rising and we're shufflng our feet.
Pictures of the stars to look at as we crawl
Slowly towards the doors where soon we will enthrawl
To the very latest movie, but we are so in love.
When we reach that back seat all is silent above.
The usherettes torch flashes on us now and then
We are kissing in the back row, again and again.
When we leave the cinema we can't believe the time.
We sat through two performances, didn't cost an extra dime.

"In the back row": Algernon Splingebucket.

New topic: "Taking my time".

All right! So I'm old, and my feet are cold.
And the days have grown so short.
I get few things done, it's my age, so I'm told,
And my futures on hold, but I still think I ought
To be able to do what I used to.

I think--well--I feel, that someone's tried to steal
All my once held capability.
All those chores that were easy are now quite surreal,
Are slowed by impending senility.
Hell, someone is taking my time!

That was nice, Kangalew!

I know you haven't forgotten to give the mext topic. Rather, you're illustrating how you take your time.

Damn!! Forgot again!
Now, what was it I forgot!

Ah yes. Next topic.

Remember me when I'm gone.