h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I saw them in the laundry basket, but paid them no mind.
Later, I threw them in with the underwear, on a cold setting.
They came out of the dryer, but their owner I couldn't find.
Size-48 knickers are something too big to be forgetting.



Next topic: A day at the beach during a hurricane.

Only the dead or the insane
Spend a day at the beach in a hurricane
Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies*
You get sand in your hair, your mouth and your eyes
And also in your sandwiches**



[* put in for purely rhyming purposes]
[**put in for the sake of completion]



A pain in the gut on a Sunday

I should not have eaten that sandwich,
Nor gobbled that huge dish of fries.
Come to think of it, maybe that ghoulash
Was also too much, quelle surprise!

Did I really need all of that coffee,
Which 'round in my gut seems to lurch?
I topped off the brunch with some toffee,
And now I'm too ill for the church.



Next topic:

Seeing spots after you've hit your head.

Ouch!
I really didn't want to do that.
Especially here in the jungle.
I should learn to look where I'm going
And not just scan the ground for snakes.

So
I'm sitting here in a heap on the ground
Rubbing my head and groaning.
Uh-oh, that sounds like a pussey cat,
A rather large one as well!

With spots!


Next?

Breakfast at Tiffany's

It's early. The store won't be op'ning for hours.
No clerks will disturb us with all of their glowers.
We've omelets and coffee, just what you request.
What pattern to eat on? Well, which is the best?

Some nice Royal Worcester, or maybe some Spode?
Some Wedgewood or Waterford, or Bernardaud?
Our food will look great on these elegant dishes.
I'm glad that we didn't bring flapjacks or knishes.



Next topic: Come to the Spring Fair

There's nothing I like so much
As a good trade fair
Machines and kitchens and such
Will all be there

But of all the wonderful things
I like to view
Is a fair devoted to springs
Well, wouldn't you?


Next?
Beef curry!

Mmmmm! Beef curry!
Now there's a thing
To make your tastebuds sing.
I like mine with tomato sauce
And creamy mashed spuds,
Of course.
Who cares if heartburn bites?
Not me!
This little black cat delights
In loveley beef curry.
Let's have some,
And please, hurry!!




Next....Fire extinguishers.

I go off like a fire extinguisher babe
Whenever I think of you
And pretty embarrassing it can be too.



breakfast

The most delightful poem I've ever come across about breakfast is by the late great Miles Kington. Unfortunately I couldn't find it anywhere but I can recite it so I've given it my best shot and I hope it won't offend anyone (or get modded!) if I haven't got it quite right.

Yon fetlich glourie's gleyn aboot
Wa hae the miekle lum, nae doot
Wi' stammergasted blonkie's hoot
At Breakfast

Wi' kye an' ashets timbled too
Nor pipe nor tullet skrails sae true
Slogged under wi' a skean dhu
At breakfast

Och colly weems ilk reechie bird
Tae pilich on the selty curd
Ah didnae understond a word
At breakfast

Next?
The Slough of Despond

Whose knickers are these?
I never bought them
I bet that he brought them
That man that you tell me
You've only met once
Only met once! did you think I was daft?
I'll ask you again
Who's knickers are these?

Next topic: Sentimental Jane.

I guess you omitted to turn the page, Frank. We're on - or in - The Slough of Despond at the moment.

But nice one anyway Frank!

OOps! I am new to this and was one page adrift, so I will try again.


Being a good man and learning to pray,
The Pilgrim was tired of doing it today.
Wished that he'd never started this lark.
Now he was cold, it was getting quite dark,
And he knew what was coming, just up beyond
That forest he'd be in the Slough of Despond.
He knew this was true, there was no need to look,
The dread that they said would be there, in the book.
If he gave up now they would laugh at him back at the church,
So he carried on, and on, and on, the book had left him in the lurch.

New Topic: Sentimental Jane

Bravo!

Well done Frank, you rose to the occasion.

Thanks, but where is Sentimental Jane this morning?

My son's getting married to a sweet young Asian
I do hope that he will rise to the occasion
With a smart new suit
Some polish on his boot
She's a canny wee lass who may need some persuasion.

Next topic: Sentimental Jane.

Sentimental Jane,
Was treated with disdain,
And regarded as a pain.
So when she got run over by a train,
Everyone was happy once again.

Next: "Dead Donkeys"

If you keep your eyes upon the sky you'll eventually see an elephant fly.
Pigs might fly there too if you are lucky but you're much more likely to view a nice ducky,
Especially it happens around Easter time, once they've laid their Easter eggs they will do it all the time
But if you look down, no matter how you try, you will never get to see a dead donkey die.
The reason men give for this behaviour it is said, is that a donkey will not die if it is already dead.

"Ducks and dead donkeys": F A Sense

New theme: "Permanent Waves"

Being bald's not so bad
There's no barber to pay
And bald men are sexy
So some people say

And yet surveys have shown
What the bald man most craves
Is a head full of hair
With permanent waves


Next: Wind turbines