h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They used to wear cloth caps and smoke their Woodbines.
Now they gaze out to sea to find wind turbines,
To save the day: they pray that Nuclear Power will go away;
Pray no wretched soul burns coal to get us out of this hole.


Breath on me breath of God, turn my arms around the pod,
That house my bearings, that show no signs of waring out.
I'm screaming out for wind, I will not mind that you will find
Me ugly and suburban; I am powerful; I'm a wind turbine.

"Wind Turbines": F A Sense.

next topic: "Tadpoles"

They wriggle. They wraggle. They squirm.
Can a tadpole be distinguished from a worm?

Next topic: Apophis, the asteroid that will come near the Earth in 2029 and 2036.

O Apophis! don't come too near.
You fill our children's hearts with fear
You rocky lump, you cocky chump
We are afraid! You make us jump!
In ten year's time I'll write a rhyme
Of how you missed us: just in time.

Next topic: "Shoestrings"

In Cobbler's Apophitic Electrified Band
The drummer played boots and old shoes
Guitars had distortions from shoestrings, and
The singer sang Roots and the Blues

Most every night as a whole
They played with a solid back-rhythm and soul
So down it got everyone down to the ground
Which is where the next morning they mostly were found


next: sexism in verse

I'm sorry, I can't think Of anything worse
Than sexism posted as poems or verse.
Men should love women and show them respect.
Women should care for men: Men have been wrecked
And had their lives destroyed by false poems of love,
And women have crumbled when they found the peace dove
Was a cruel rhyming vulture who tore her apart.
Cruel words will diminish the bravest of hearts.
So lovers beware, let your poems ring true,
And treat your love gently whatever you do.

Next topic: Alcohol

My life has been saved by alcohol
That killed infections and made wounds small.

Next topic: crocuses

Yellow and purple they peep through the grass
In Springtime, those crocuses, making a pass
At the snowdrops and daffodils, singing a song.
You must listen carefully, soon they are gone.

"Soon gone" F A Sense.

next topic: Idleness.

Now is the time, I feel,
To let my idleness congeal
To an inert action, a satisfaction
In lifeless motion, a drifting consciousness.
Dreams unrecognised, passing through my mind
In shadowy phrases, melting into writhing mazes.
But then, as ever, my body's needs
Wrench me from my languid mind-made weeds
And drive me to its own invention,
Corpulent greeds too crude to mention.
And so a pleasant Sunday passes.


Next........The love of dogs.

She may be a fat old pooch but her brown eyes never leave her master's face.
The way he treats her, some say it's a disgrace.
She has to wait seemingly forever for him to even notice her.
Yet so great her love for him, her stumpy tail quivers at his every move.
No greater love I know than the love of a dog for man. Endless love.

"Her Master": Algernon Splingebucket.

Next topic: Money.

Money, money,
sweet like honey.
Root of evil,
Face of Devil,
Causes fights,
Of families rights,
What it's worth,
is up to you,
I would rather,
time than money.
Enough's enough,
To make life sunny.
Any more,
I do not want,
Money's power,
And that's not right,
Money's power,
Is a blight,
Rupert Murdoch's
Influence,
On world affairs,
Has led us,
Far from verity.
If he gives,
wrong information,
We'll act on that,
Truth's our salvation.

Portraits

My sister painted portraits of very rich, pretty girls
In silken gowns, they wore no frowns, they were all decked out in pearls.
And then, some men who were all puffed up, some most important earls
Lords and counts and mountebanks, would sit for her, they gave no thanks
Just dollars, euros , pounds and guineas or maybe some swiss franks
That they got from their offshore banks: that was her only thanks.

So later she just drew the sweet young faces of the poor
These lovely works she gave away, she didn't ask for more
Than a grateful smile or a happy laugh,
From these grubby beauties who didn't bath.

Next topic: Salvation.

Salvation

How can I be saved? I wonder!
This aging mind oft can't remember
Simple stuff. This makes me blunder
From December to December.

Will I forget how to get to Hell,
If that's the place I'll be going?
I want salvation, but how well
Can I get it right, not knowing

Whose version I can trust. This nation
Offers too many theories of salvation.

Next topic: packages that come damaged in the mail.

packages that come damaged in the mail.

It was broken,it was smashed,
I'd spent good money,for this trash.
Customs had just torn it open,
They'd spent an hour,squashing bubbles,
in that tempting bubble wrap,
Drugs in bubbles they had thought
Excuse to do not what they ought,
And I like squashing bubbles too,
So customs men "Up Yours" to you!

Next Topic: Termites

Building in the dark and hiding from lights
Working together those pure white termites
Build wonderful structures, incredible mounds.
To copy their work would cost thousands of pounds.
Ants do it too but they bite.
Men build a pile for a fight.
When bees eat honey they get very warm.
Termites are cool and they never swarm
Unless an anteater decides they are sweeter than ants.
It is then you may find some termites are alive in your pants.

Next topic: An old red tractor.

An old red tractor
May look very nice
And that's a factor
Along with the price
(Not high, since it's old
And can't easily be sold)
That will help you decide
Which tractor to ride.


Next: Colony collapse disorder

If your bees
Get CCD
Then you got
No bees

CH:
No bees
No honey
No honey
No money

Then you have to
Go to the D, noWork, P
And join the queue
For an interview
And Santa
No more will
Call on you

CH:
No bees
No honey
No honey
No money


Next: mushrooms

Would a fun guy eat fungi? I don't think so.
Would a flush groom in a plush room eat a mushroom? Not as far as I know.
Would a cold fool from the old school eat a toadstool? I hope not though.
If you go out in the morning, before the others do
And find a field well known to yield a field mushroom or two
You may pick quite a few in an hour or two
You can fry them in a pan with some butter, don't use jam!
Or you can buy them in Tesco; that's where all the rest go!

Next topic: The Jam.

If it weren't for jam, no one would grow quinces.
Do you suppose that they'd put jam in blintzes?
Is jam-eating all right when in a jam session?
A traffic jam's bad, at least that's my impression.

Next topic: Will it ever stop raining?

Endless precipitation is liable to undermine the spirit of the Nation.
Those who live under clouds huddle in crowds dressed in shrouds.
Miserable members of municipal music rooms in Manchester.
Pray to God for dryness, and Her Highness on Her Throne's inclined to moan,
'Why subject all my subjects to all this watery wet?
They cannot forget how much sun that is yet in Grantchester,
Poured upon a Cambridge don before he's gone. And yet,
It's so unfair, that we're not there, that we get water on our plain.
Oh when will it stop raining? Oh pain oh pain, is that more rain again?

Next topic: "Beautiful People"