h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

MERCHANT BANKERS

Their inflated greed and selfishness
Helped put thousands out of work and out of business.
And this year
Will be the worst year.

My mate says they're rhyming slang for something
But I can't figure out what.


Next: apples

I sat 'neath an old apple tree,
With hopes of a life brave and free.
In the branches above,
Someone I did not love
Threw some IBM-compatible computers down on me.

Next: What I need to do before the big snowstorm hits.

What I need to do before the big snowstorm hits?
Well, first I must find a good rhyme for hits.
No, too obvious, though of course a snow storm
IS a bit like a blitz, or so I've been told,
As I never have seen one.
I believe they're quite cold
And I suppose, if you froze,
You would not think it much fun.

Next..
Don't sleep in the sunshine darling.

Don't sleep in the sunshine darling
You might get sunburn on your even more obvious rhyme for hits


Next: marriage

Do you remember when there was just us two,
All those years ago when we said 'I do'?
But if you'd only known how bad it would be,
I guess you'd never even have dreamt of marrying me.

We were so happy then, but it didn't last,
Now that happiness is a thing of the past.
And if I'd only known that your mum would come too,
I guess I'd never even have dreamt of marrying you.


Next: The pale parabola of Joy

In the village of Joy, a parabola bold
Was sunning himself on a most ancient hold.
His parabola girlfriend had snubbed him. His plan:
To win back her love by acquiring a tan.

Next topic: where is the bluebird when you need him/her the most?

He's probably in the tombola tin
With his parabola girlfriend
Committing a sin

Next: Moon and stars

I wrote this some time ago and it may have been around here before but it fits:

Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were on Dartmoor for a hike.
As darkness fell, they pitched their tent and settled for the night.
A few hours later, Holmes awoke and roused his faithful friend.
"Watson - look up at the sky - what do you comprehend?"

Dr. Watson answered slowly as he gazed up towards Mars,
"I see God’s holy firmament, the planets and the stars."
"Exactly,” said stern Sherlock, “What from this can you derive?"
The doctor pondered pensively, then gave his firm reply:

"Astronomically, the galaxies are up there by the million,
And thus potentially, there maybe planets by the billion.
Astrologically, it seems to say that Saturn is in Leo.
Horogically, it tells me that it’s nearly half past two.

Theologically, it's evident that God is omnipotent,
And we, but infinitely small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it looks as though tomorrow will be fine,
So tell me Holmes - am I correct – just what do you divine?"

Holmes seethed in brooding silence at his friend’s deductive power,
To make such observations, and at such ungodly hour,
Then with sardonic smile, to his feelings he gave vent,
"Watson, you raving idiot someone’s nicked the bloody tent."


Next: Aadvarks

That is excellent, PBS.

Aadvarks

The word 'aadvark' has many connotations, it would seem;
Far more, I must admit it, than I could ever dream.
I put it into Google and got thirty thousand hits -
More than that, in fact - and I was thrilled to bits.
Many British businesses use 'aadvark' in their name,
But I can't help but wonder if Miss Pelling is to blame.
For when I put in 'aardvark', I got four million more
Results returned from Google than in the search before.


Next: Green shoots

Augustus Green goes to the river each day,
To shoot what he sees, for this is his way.
A duck flying high, or a mangy old dodo.
He takes out his camera, and makes a fine photo.

next: The gentle winter sunset

The gentle winter sunset
Caressed the western sky
With green and orange fingers
That made the poets sigh.
The painters tried to capture
The scene, as night drew nigh;
Then a turtle dove flew over
And shat straight in my eye.



next: Iceland-on-Thames

OK. you asked for it...

I asked them "Where has mum gone?"
To buy her frozen food.
They looked at me as though I'd said
Something very rude.
They clearly shop in Waitrose
And other stores of 'class';
In through the door of Iceland
Their feet would never pass!
Now what is really very neat
If you live by the river
Is to get the floating Iceland store
To land and deliver!

Next?
At the patisserie.

Down at the patisserie
That's the place for you and me
That's the place for me and you
We can have our cake and eat it too.

Down at the patisserie
If you and I should disagree
I'll get my own and so can you -
A case of chacun à son goût.

Down at the patisserie
C'est la vie, ah, c'est la vie.


Next: quantitive easing

The banks, they all were failing
(Oh, some people have a nerve!),
And all of us expected
Help from Ye Olde Federal Reserve,

And so, on Monday morning,
In a move sure to be pleasing,
The Chairman said he'd likely do
Some quantitative easing.

Next topic:

The Greater Fool Theory

(Since we're on financial/investment topics)

They say there's one born every
minute.
That's the Greater Fool Theory,
Innit?



Next: The sword of Damocles

Said Cicero, Damocles fancied himself
As a man of great wealth and fame.
To change his lot with Dionysius
He thought would be a fine game.

Said King Dio', "OK, you're on, my man,
You can have my throne for a day."
Let's see what you make of the job then
When you try to do it your way.

So Damocles threw a great party,
Invited his mates to the spread.
It wasn't til later he looked up -
What he saw just filled him with dread!

A flippin' great sword was a-danglin'
By a single horse-hair thread
And worst of all the wretched thing
Was right above his own head!

The vision he saw was sufficient,
He rapidly changed his mind.
King Dio could keep his throne he thought,
He just wasn't the ruling kind!


Next?
London Transport

Sam, Sam, pic oop thy musket! bcoombes Dam, Dam, a ruddy great sworad!
E looves the originals by 'Olloway, and el D'isms too, every worad
As E stands in t' rain out thiere scribblin BPs, not makin' so mooch of a fwus
In lines that are so bloody long and windin' it's like waitin for a bloody red bwus!

Apologies to all natives north of Watford. This probly belongs to the BP thread, but oo cares?

Jabs

Next: brown boots

Where have my brown boots gone?
I'm sure I left them on the lawn.
Oh, wait, there's snow there now,
So deep it could bury a cow.

To get across to where the boots are found,
I'd need some boots, or in snow I'd be drowned.



Next topic: The haunted teapot

As I drink my morning Darjeeling
I'm troubled by a very strange feeling.
Although I sit alone in my chair
I'm almost sure there's someone there.
And sure enough, as I empty my cup
The teapot lifts and fills it up.
I hope this 'presence' will heed my wishes
By clearing the table and washing the dishes!

And next...
Big Game