h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The hunting season's started.
I am ready, set to go.
I want to bag a groopelsturg,
The biggest game I know.

It stands a dozen meters tall.
It's broader than a couch.
Its sneezes blow the windows out
For miles. It has a pouch

That holds ice cream and candy bars.
It gives them to the young.
It sings and dances constantly--
It's got a hearty lung.

And, whether it's the biggest game
Is a point that should be moot,
For I expect to see it next
At Sunday's photo shoot.

Next topic:

When the sky is green, should we be worried?

Yo Paul!

There's no need to worry
if the sky looks green
through the yellow periscope
of my yellow submarine.

**************************

Where am I going? I don't quite know.
Down to the stream where the king-cups grow-
Up on the hill where the pine-trees blow-
Anywhere, anywhere. I don't know.

Where am I going? The clouds sail by,
Little ones, baby ones, over the sky.
Where am I going? The shadows pass,
Little ones, baby ones, over the grass.

If you were a cloud, and sailed up there,
You'd sail on water as blue as air,
And you'd see me here in the fields and say:
"Doesn't the sky look green today?"

~A A Milne

*************************************

Next: A pint of real ale.

In all of the world, all other things pale
When they are compared with a pint of real ale.

Next topic: Teddy bears

He used to speak softly and carry a stick,
He's quoted as saying that that was the trick
If you want to go far and make your presence felt.
And the name of this star was Theodore Roosevelt.
Teddy bears are named after him, if the tale's true,
On account of a cartoon in nineteen-o-two.


Next: the corruption of lords

The House of Lords was very grand,
But no one knew 'twas built on sand.
So, when the lobbyists came to call,
They weighed so much, the place did fall.



Next topic: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"
(John Jacob Astor just after the Titanic hit that iceberg)

Don't make it too easy, Paul.

As I'm not vey au fait with the modern Polari, I have been rather puzzled by your moniker. Until the other day, when I received an email which contained the following:-

*******************
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
****************

I was very moved. At least her kids kissed her impetuously. And she had more than one living room.

Next topic?

#688 was merely an aside, Paul. Your suggested topic is rather tricky, but I'll give it a go. This will be very short, though.

I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.

All hail, Macbeth!


Next topic: mallemaroking.

Sadly the sailor gazed at the ice,
The endless ice, the unrelenting ice
That held his ship in its grip.
Swallowed the rum in his cold tin mug,
Poured from the jug another slug
And toasted the frozen scene.

He searched in his soul
For some small burning coal,
But found only ashes and frost.
He turned, faced the wind,
And bitterly grinned,
For he knew that this battle was lost.



next The gift of love has a price tag.

Lew!


The gift of love has a price tag
Especially on the streets of Rome
For an hour you can buy a young bag or an old hag
Who'll give you sneezes and painful diseases
Best keep your love at home.






Next: When I was young my father said

When I was young, My father said,
"Comb your hair! Comb your hair."
It was a comment that I'd dread.
I've broken combs now everywhere.



Next topic: The lost continent

Ah, what a topic!
But I don't mind it.
I've looked everywhere
But I can't find it!


Next?
Flying Circus

The Flying Circus ruled the sky
When Baron Red ascended high.
But a cartoon Beagle brought him down
To earth, like a cartoon clown.
Or so our children all have thought.

But we, who are of older years
Know better, for we laughed 'til tears
Ran down our happy faces
At another band of flying aces,
Yes! Monty's men. The very best sort!


Next...That parrot aint dead!

Yes, that the sort of thing I had in mind Lew!

Is it a he bird or a she bird?
I wonder as I look at the lifeless thing,
Sitting (glued?) on its perch, a bit absurd,
Too Zen to even try to sing.

Perhaps it's not Zen at all,
But Christian, under its breath humming,
As it plans under the sheets to crawl
With its Mary in the Second Coming.

Next Topic: The evil that snow does

Snow use cryin'
'Bout evil
Snow use cryin'
'Bout the devil
Snow use moanin'
'Bout the hand of man
And the damage he does
Without understan'

Snow use bitchin'
'Bout Summer's heatwave show,
Snow use cryin'
'Bout the bl**dy bloomin' snow.


Lovebirds

She liked his warbling. He got a thrill
From her eyes. "Let's make some eggs," he said.
They loved their nest, 'till they got the bill,
And the shock just about killed them both dead.

Next topic: Why is the train late?

There's snow on the tracks and it's the wrong kind
And too many leaves have left us behind
So if the train's late, we hope you don't mind -
Stop sweating the small stuff, or else you'll go blind.


Next topic: Whose knickers are these?

(Working title for that book I never got round to writing - the confessions of a househusband.)