h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Don't faint but I actually had my inauguration ceremony on Easter Sunday during the Holy Communion service. My partner Andy came along as did my sister and youngest son, and my assistant Lindsey. Even my last bride turned up to support me (we're Facebook friends now, I'd supplied her with my photo of the flower-adorned pews pre-wedding and she'd totally missed what her mother had done in the excitement).

The office person continues to vex. I waited patiently until Wednesday 24th April for my March wages (a wedding and a funeral, they're the only paid events, everything else I do as verger is voluntary - more later). Then I texted only to be told she had not had time to do them but they would be done that day and checked that night. Something did go in that day - obviously unchecked - but only one event - the funeral. I texted again and was told she'd "have to check" - but it would be Friday now as "I'm not in again until Friday". Friday I got my wedding pay - "I must of [sic]missed the wedding" it finally went through on Friday 26th.

I was notified by the vicar of a funeral for a lady on Thursday 2nd May including funeral director which was unusual. I normally chase up such things as I could have no worries at all (Mashfords) or be running around like a headless chicken chasing up service sheets, requests for wheelchair space, number of family to reserve seats for, etc. Lindsey texts me Friday teatime to ask why there's 2 funerals listed for Friday 3rd May (cough my birthday cough) on the Facebook page but nothing for Thursday. So I spent some time investigating. I texted the vicar first as he books the funerals and they're all logged in his diary. No response (to be expected) and the church office was closed so I checked the local paper death announcements. Found 2 funerals for my church both Thursday 2nd May, the first I knew of and the second for Arthur S, funeral director Mashfords so I rang them & spoke to the lovely Joyce whom I met at a previous funeral in my position as verger so she knew who I was straight away. We had a lovely chat and I was glad to have things straight. I texted Lindsey with the new event information, turned up for church on Sunday morning and read the wrong information - 2 funerals on Friday - in the upcoming events week for the church. I managed to find the vicar and inform him of the error in the weekly sheet (prepared by the office) and suggested he announce it during his notices. He thanked me for noticing and said he would do so. Have I mentioned that the Facebook post and the weekly sheet both had the wrong name for the male deceased? "John S" instead of Arthur S. The lady who read the prayers included prayers for the recently deceased, especially [the lady] and Arthur S. Phew. Vicar reads out his notices but forgets to correct incorrect funeral days which I'd told him. He remembered on my way out! Calm down GB, some things are beyond your control.

"running around like a headless chicken"

Voodoo in Grimsby whatever next

devil's eggs and bacon for breakfast ?


from clout!!!!

I'd hate to be buried on the wrong day

I worry about people relying on the office for the correct information, and missing the funerals completely.

No fun for the mourners

Seriously though, you are right. I'm sure many would be devastated if they missed the occasion

Well it's 1st May and I performed 3 funeral events in April. Andy has suggested I send a text wishing her good morning and drop in the information "FYI I did three funerals in April" - that way she can't make a mistake with my wages this month - can she?

"dead"end jobs just don't seem to pay well do they

"They" should know by now your "worth" and up your pay-rate

and thank you for my birthday card Prof

Two funerals yesterday, couldn't have been more different and two different vicars to work with but they went like clockwork, I shouldn't feel smug but I do feel proud of myself for every one which goes off without a hitch. I met a nice lady inbetween the events. I had popped to Heron for some shopping after my fish & chips lunch treat, got my shopping but they didn't have my daughter's cat's dry cat food (I'm minding him at the moment while she's on holiday) so I went into Wilkos & got them, queued behind a lady who promptly invited me to go in front of her as she had a basketful. I said Bless you, thank you, and that I was between funerals. "Oh God!" she replied. I quickly added that I was the verger at St Peter's church and I didn't know the deceased - she looked stricken and said she'd not been to a funeral since she lost her husband. I sympathised and she looked on the verge of tears. I said you must have been happily married and she said yes, he was the best, we were married just short of 60 years. I told her to be grateful for those years because not everyone is so lucky, she said yes I am but it's so lonely now I told her she'd be welcome at church if she wished to come and she nodded. We both said how lovely it was to meet each other and I wished her well. In the meantime the lady on the till started snoring

glad I remembered sweetheart hope you had a good day! (as the American's say)

Still battling with the lady in the office over my wages. She emailed me on Friday that she was going to be on annual leave from Wed 15th May until Sunday 2nd June. Only one event planned, the wedding on Fri 31st May & she would leave the paperwork/cd in the vestry for me. I texted her immediately asking if I could have my April wages before she went on annual leave - 3 x funerals. No response. I resent the same text on Tuesday. Immediate response: Hi Ann I did get your original text. [so, I'm a mindreader then?] After speaking with churchwardens payments will be made on the same date each month as employed staff. [*I* am employed staff... maybe she means "salaried" staff?] I have put a letter together which I am emailing over later once Paul [vicar] has signed it. Hopefully this will make it easier for all, you will know when payment is due and we will be more organised in sending it regularly. Payment date is 26th of each month. Trust that's ok.

No mention of my April wages and they've not been put in my bank up until this morning so I can only presume I'm going to have to wait until June now. I know patience is a virtue so maybe I should just

(and cheeky) just make sure you get all money owed to you, before SHE kicks the bucket

To bury her *and* get paid for it

if that joke is too close to home

old joke:- That £5000 I owe you is in the coffin with me come and get it. Oh! by the way, I'm being cremated

I don't mind the jokes, I like to laugh

a good few year ago in one of my local pubs, a group of us were talking and as per "death" came into the conversation I said that I'd like to come back as a to see how they'd put me in a coffin (yah got to know me and see me to understand)
a mates wife said they'll put you face down, her hubby replied - you stupid woman, they STILL wain't be able to get the coffin lid on THEN the proverbial penny dropped for her

I've had an official letter from the vicar. I will get my wages every 26th of the month (for the previous month).

and get it countersigned by god, just to be safe

So a funeral on the first of May will be paid on 26th June? What salaried staff get paid less frequently than once a month? It leaves a nasty taste