h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Glad the weddings went well and the minor mistakes were able to be recovered without people noticing too much.

Good idea to let sleeping dogs lie to keep the peace... Strange to choose that story, though, if they didn't want to mention Salome's name!

Congrats to your daughter getting a new job so quickly Prof!

Thanks Sasha! I'm sure the second couple will reminisce about the vicar getting their vows wrong and hopefully laugh and joke about it in the future. I did research the story, Salome wasn't named in the Bible but was afterwards, but still, the service sheet was wrong and I'm biding my time

I'm enjoying having a weekend off after the hectic last one, I deserve it!

forget to mention that last Sunday the vicar mentioned something about having an initiation ceremony for me

ARGH! Bloody hell "initiation ceremony" are they going to sacrifice a cow or goat ???

Or maybe some . .. ... . .. ...

This morning's church service was a little different. Our resident organist was too poorly to attend so a cd of Songs of Praise was played instead. It was... different. No mention of my initiation.

is an "initiation ceremony" a rite of entry ?



now from ear clout

I really haven't a clue, but you'll be first to know

There's been no further mention of my initiation ceremony.

Tuesday's funeral had a few glitches. I went into the vestry and tried to turn off the alarm. The second number failed to register and the alarm went off. Luckily the phone rang and it was Ibwest who let me off when I explained who I was. The battery in the smoke alarm in the choir changing area was beeping low battery so I informed Tina in the office across the road via text. Yes she knew about it thank you. Hmm, we're about to host a funeral, and really could do without the beeping. Luckily she came across and dismantled the thing. I forgot to put out the collection plate with all the fuss but luckily my little helper Lindsay remembered. The spare vicar mentioned he hadn't been paid () not my job to deal with wages but I still did some ringing round and apparently he'd been paid by bank transfer. Last time, Tina had come over to church with his wages in an envelope and handed them to the ex-verger who was still teaching me (the new verger) the ropes. During the service Ken (spare vicar) had not switched on the mike so those at the back of church (me, Lindsay, her partner) couldn't hear a thing. Wing and a prayer (I have to know what's going on as it's my job to let the funeral director and pallbearers back into church after final prayer and before end music kicks in.

I'm sure Bessie was smiling down on us. She had passed away on her 97th birthday in a care home after suffering from dementia for some years. She got a standard-bearer and a Union flag draped over her coffin. That brought a lump to my throat as it reminded me of my Dad's funeral. She had been in the RAF during the war, quite a high-up rank (for a woman) her official job was "lookout". RIP Bessie.

There must be some reason for the delay ? ask 'em! why ?

The first port of call would be Tina and the least I have to deal with her the better I like it.

I am still waiting for the Verger badge I requested some months ago,

Argh! Tina = a then or just thinks she's higher up the scale than anyone else ?

Slap her around the face and say/sing Who do you think you are kidding "mrs hitler"

(Dad's Army)

a word maybe ? with whoever is over her,in the hierarchy ?

I've hardly seen the regular vicar - the last 2 funerals have been spare vicars Ken and Nick, and today I've got Ken again. Even Sunday service this week was taken by Andrew, vicar of Grimsby Minster. No point in asking what's going on because different people will tell you different things.

I had a funeral on Monday which I couldn't report here because h2g2 was unattainable. It was marked as "Private" in the church weekly sheet I get on a Sunday, just date & time. Even asking around, I was no wiser until I opened the church to prepare for the actual service. Luckily it was Mashfords, my top funeral directors. They had a man at the door with a list of invitees, no-one else was allowed in. There was no photo of the deceased on the funeral service card, which was the prettiest one I'd seen yet, it had animals on the top half of the front and on the back, all pets and past pets of the deceased. He was a 69 year old astronomer. He didn't belong to my club though, and I didn't spot any club members in the congregation. RIP S. I hope you enjoy your trip around the universe


Today I am going to be fully Verger-robed as I'm escorting the Mayor to his/her pew. I usually wear a funeral dress (I have a pick of three) but I'll allow the uniform today. The previous verger told me she didn't wear it as it didn't suit her. I can't imagine whom it would suit
The deceased is a retired GP and upwards of 300 people are expected. Every member of the church staff are going to be in attendance as well as the choir and as the flower lady is decorating the church from 11am I won't even have to open up. Must dash, duty calls *hitches up skirts and*

"fully Verger-robed as I'm escorting the Mayor to his/her pew"
go in leathers gear - make your mark! your NOT to be triffled with

Not even a full church, and we'd put extra seats out... all went well though,

remember! I entered The Deep in a leather coat (and swimmers armbands) Made a statement

I remember that well, Prof

Had the last wedding rehearsal of the year last night, all went well. While the vicar and I were waiting for the wedding party to show up I asked him about my inauguration (prompted by the Prof). Vicar raises his eyebrows and asks why? I said it wasn't my idea, it was yours... OH! He says, quickly consulting his diary, it had completely gone out of my head. I'll pencil your ceremony in for sometime in October, after Harvest Festival.



Prof