h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The two weddings on Saturday - wedding #1 was with a string quartet (no Carl, not just the organist but an important part of the team). The bride was 20 minutes late (the make-up artist's fault) - this would not normally cause a problem but there was another wedding booked The vicar announced (wrongly) that the musicians would play some music while the bride and groom were at the high altar (they played while the register was being signed) - they struck up the Wedding March, so he had no choice but to turn them around to walk down the aisle they got no final blessing. Of course, it was the musicians' fault and there were no wedding sheets for him to refer to. I was surprised to see Oliver's dad turn up to ring the bells as we had been expecting Oliver. This wedding went off with no rain - thundery showers had been expected.

Wedding #2 there was a heavily-pregnant bridesmaid to keep an eye on - I had joked at the rehearsal that I would have hot towels on standby this was the wedding where I had to ring Carl's bell to let him know the bride was ready then count 1.05 into Shania Twain's "At This Moment" then throw open the doors to start the bridal procession. (We had practised this at the rehearsal.) The bride went out of her way after the ceremony to thank me for "perfect timing" - that made me well up. This wedding did have wedding sheets, printed by our office. The final hymn was "O Jesus, I have promised" which began well with the American guests in the congregation bouncing up and down but when we got to verse three, it was incorrectly typed out and everyone sang the wrong words, including the vicar through his microphone. As the newlyweds exited the church, the heavens opened so the vicar invited the whole wedding party and guests followed, back inside the church for photos (I don't mind doing this, they've paid for an hour and it ended up being just over.) Oliver had not turned up to ring the church bells and the vicar and Carl were discussing this in the vestry whilst I was counting the collection. They decided it didn't matter as no-one would know the bells hadn't been rung as they'd all come back into church. **ERM** I said if the bride has asked for and paid for the bells then they need to be rung or she would be within her rights to ask for a refund. Carl went up the belfry to ring them.

I mentioned to the vicar at Sunday service that the hymn was incorrectly printed in the wedding service sheet so it wasn't his fault that he sang the words wrong "Oh no, it wasn't my fault!" he spluttered and muttered that he must have a word with the office. I told him that if they needed a proof-reader I was willing to do it. Two wedding rehearsals to look forward to tonight.

I've been asked about the wedding rehearsals. They consist of me opening the church and awaiting the arrival of the immediate wedding party (bride, groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen, bride's father [or giver-away] and best man). We await the vicar. He walks/talks them through the service - it gets all the giggling out of the way when they're reciting their vows - by the actual ceremony there's no giggling. I get the wedding cushions in place (for the bride and groom to kneel on) and removed. I open the doors for the wedding party to enter the church. It all takes about 20 minutes. No eating, no drinking except for water bottles. Father of the bride is usually the quietest person there. Bride's Mum can be full of questions/information and/or emotional/fussy. (First wedding last Saturday were expecting nana from a nursing home, she has dementia and a broken leg so was in a wheelchair. That took some manoeuvring around the string quartet and leaving space for the bridal pair (bride in a big dress) to sign the register but luckily I was pre-warned about all of this from the bride's Mum at the rehearsal.

It all sounds quite complicated behind the scenes, weddings must be like ducks on a pond, all serene on the surface but legs paddling frantically underneath

I find these entries really fascinating to read, long may they continue

Deb

It takes a skilled cat herder to lay out an acceptable table plan when we have family get togethers

I'll never marry again

Never say never dear

Deb: "weddings must be like ducks on a pond, all serene on the surface but legs paddling frantically underneath"

I am glad you find it entertaining, I'm saving the *really* juicy stuff for my (eventual) book.

GB

What would the title of said be, I wonder. "42 Succesful Burials - and some Weddings"?

The subtitle cold be: "Confessions of a vicar's wedding and funeral assistant"?

Looking forward to it

A mortuary attendant ? is that a "dead end" job, or just where you go to stub a cigarette out ?

I'm still thinking about it dear and thank you Prof for the

Saturday dawned cloudy and rainy after a stifling hot few days - first bride was 40 minutes late in arriving at church - and she had some small bridesmaids waiting at the church who were getting very fed up indeed lots of small children in the congregation as well - the noise got louder and louder and 5 mins before her eventual arrival - with no explanation whatsoever - I thought the vicar was going to stomp off in a strop. This put me in panic mode because who would have had to perform the ceremony? I would have been the most senior official there but I'm not ordained so the wedding would have been cancelled. Not a great start to the day. When she arrived at the altar he didn't exactly tell her off but asked the congregation to give Carl the organist a round of applause because he had been playing the church organ since the first guests arrived, over an hour!
I had to tell someone off who was holding his mobile phone as high as he could - despite instructions not to by the vicar - taking photos of the vows being exchanged.

There was enough time between the first wedding ending and opening up for the second wedding for me to meet Andy and go for fish and chips and 3 cups of . That half-hour calmed me right down

Wedding #2's bride arrived on time. The poor groom had some medical problem and had to keep popping to the loo (there are only 2 toilets - off the kitchen - in the same area where the bride and her attendants enter the church, so I had to keep an eye out on those comings and goings while stood at the main entrance awaiting the bride's arrival... but there were no small children involved with this one, instead she had 6 adult bridesmaids, daughters of the bride, the groom, and sisters, they arrived in a white stretch limo (my first), followed by the bride in a vintage Rolls-Royce I recognised - the chauffeuse is a remarkably striking lady, tall, grey suit, peaked cap, how she manages a brolly for the bride, holding the base of the brides dress up, opening/closing car doors, etc, I have no idea but I do thank her as I close the external doors and we both leave the bride's entrance - I have to head round through the main entrance to close the inner door then wait at the bride's entrance door inside the church for the vicar's instruction to signal Carl, then swing the doors open for the bridal procession as the entrance music strikes up.

These weddings both had our service sheets and both were correct

GB sweetheartyou know me from "old" my role is to bring smiles and being so modest Boy! Am I good at it

Your an loveamong some other 's met in Hull

I got my July wages on 6th August

I'm off to church now to open up for a couple visiting the place where they got married 25 years ago. I've not been asked to do this before so I'm assuming it's voluntary.

Tonight is the rescheduled wedding rehearsal, the wedding's on Saturday and we have gales forecast

"I got my July wages on 6th August"

Err! I haven't won naff all on any lottery as yetcan I cadge a few quidto buy a decent begging bowl instead of the cheap plastic bowl I've got

The celebrating couple (and mum-in-law and their youngest child of 6) were lovely and they left a donation for the church repair fund.

The wedding rehearsal was eventful - the spare vicar is a friend of the bride, he met the groom and the rest of the wedding party and me for the first time last night. He'd never been in St Peter's either. So it was the two of us going through the wedding rehearsal for the wedding party. Saturday is going to be fun. I'm supposed to be at the rear of the church during the service conducting events there. I have Lindsey to assist. Someone needs to be with the vicar to remind him where everything is. I could grow wings, nah GB don't be silly. How's that cloning technology coming along?

If you're standing at the back of the church, couldn't you make big signs on sticks and hold them up as prompt cards for the vicar?

I am going to be totally honest here! GB!

Since I've known and met you, I have known what "life" has thrown at you (no smiley icon can cover that)
You my DEAR friend have come through it with flying colours!
You pass on your personality to everyone you meet..

I don't "bull" friends up because it's expected of me, I do it because true friends means a lot to me

Prof you are priceless. You make me smile when it's the last thing I feel like doing, sometimes

Thanks TC. I'm pleased to inform all went well on the day. I told Lindsey to stay at the back of the church while I sat up front next to the Lady Chapel (where the register is signed and witnessed). I witnessed everything from the bride's arrival at the altar, the smiley vicar, the groom's constant little kisses with his bride and their hand-holding - they even danced during the musical interlude midway through the ceremony. It was so beautiful. I feel truly blessed to have such a lovely job. Even the weather behaved. As I opened the doors at the back of the church to set them on their journey as a married couple, I peeked outside to see how strong the wind was, and decided it was ok to let them out for photos, giving them the thumbs-up.

Is the smiley vicar the same as the spare vicar?

Images of you rooting in the kitchen drawers for the emergency clergy now!

This vicar was a friend of the bride. I met him at the wedding rehearsal and he'd never been in St Peter's church before. As I had to organise the 4 lots of signings, and show him where to sign, I think it was his first church wedding - but he didn't let on.

You know, I made that joke when I was shadowing the previous verger, she was showing me cupboards for this, cupboards for that... at the end I asked where's the cupboard for the spare vicar and Lindsey burst out laughing (her mother, the ex-verger, merely harrumphed). After Saturday's wedding was over and the vicar came over to thank me and Lindsey, we hugged and I said can we keep you for the spare vicar cupboard

Fools never differ my lovely!

More like great minds!

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Any who can walk into the Deep in leathers and swimming aid arm bands on in case of tank leaks - can do the impossibleI change frowns to smiles--
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