h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And here are league division 1 results!
Weddings..4 Vs Deaths..2
Births..Vs..Divorces..Postponed (stewards inquiry ongoing)

Keep it up Prof you keep me smiling through the harrowing bits.

And here's the good news: don't faint and I hope you're sitting down... my wages for June went in my bank YESTERDAY - that was 2nd July! *faints*

Wages! It's NOT April 1st is it ?

Funeral Directors are all hippies!

Hey man! Can yah dig it! Or lets get the hotrod out and do a burn-up!

Two funerals this week - one down, one to go. Yesterday's was very emotional (and the longest-lasting yet). The lady was only 55, her daughter sang "Songbird", which gave me the chills. I have never seen such lovely service sheets, all decorated with silver or grey ribbons: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10156922845201185 The funeral director did ask me if it was alright for the coffin to be in a different position (than usual, facing the Father at the altar). I told him to ask the Vicar, but he was outside with the cortege. My little helper Lindsey made a beeline for me and asked what the problem was, that we'd been discussing at the altar, and why was the coffin holder the wrong way round? I took control and got it positioned correctly. I'm learning to be more forceful. The Vicar did omit a verse from the service sheet and he was the only one wearing a mike so that was quite confusing for the mourners who were looking round, I continued singing the correct verse and the last verse which the Vicar didn't sing!

Today's funeral is by Mashfords, my favourites. It will be standing room only as the lady was a choir member and the wife of the last-but-one vicar, he is terribly ill but has rallied many times in the past, we are all fearing for him as to this latest blow. He was the vicar who brought my parents their last Holy communion together in the hospice, November 2006, just before my Dad passed away. Gulp I'm crying now. It better be the waterproof mascara today.

Everything went well except for accidentally locking one lady in the kitchen as she had popped to the toilet (off the kitchen) while I was outside the church, and when I came back in, the service began and I shut the kitchen door and bolted it. We only found out when her brother asked Lindsey if she could search for his sister as she hadn't returned from the toilet. Oops.

"Two funerals this week - one down, one to go." []

So one buried and one cremated and going home on the mantelpiece?

"Two funerals this week - one down"

unless "torched" ? they ALL go down6ft approx'

or sunk if buried at sea...

Keep it up lads.

Yesterday I broke the news to my neighbour (who used to attend my church but no longer does) about Wendy, when she enquired whose funeral it was - "Oh, has she died then?" came the response - well, as we'd just had her funeral...

Got a small break now until Monday when there's two wedding rehearsals. it always amuses me how the wedding party turn up in their normal attire for the rehearsal but then the next time I see them they're in their best bib and tucker and I can hardly recognise them.

can't be bothered to back track, to see if I've put this before ?

I overheard a group of guys talking in town a while back and one said :- do you know the best piece of advice you can give anyone!

one of the others said :- no ?

The guy said :- don't die on a Friday!

WHY ??

because you'll have worked a week for nowt!

So, I received an email yesterday from the office regarding the 4 weddings this month, 2 on the 20th and 2 on the 27th. One of the times was different to the print-out I collected from the vestry earlier this year so I replied "to all" (Jill, a choir member and mother of the bell-ringer had been cc'd). I asked for confirmation of that wedding's time as I had different information. In the meantime Jill emailed me and offered to let her son know if the time had changed. Today (just me) got a reply from the office saying "Thanks for pointing that out Ann, yes it's a typo it should be 10.30am." The typo was in her email, so, is she testing me or just incompetent?

here's a thought! Dying is a one off! So it's a bit of a bugger if you didn't like it eh!

Had an email from the office with the title "updated wedding list - one cancelled, one added" unfortunately sent as an attachment which I can't open

Hopefully there'll be a print-out in the vestry if not I'll have to pop into the office.

Two wedding rehearsals tonight

marriage is (supposed to be) a union of two wise people
Until one of them realises they are an idiot, bags! I be the idiot

Bloody hell! In rait for a change...

I've seen a first draft of the 2020 wedding bookings. Apparently there are going to be two Saturdays in one week, the 11th and the 15th, in August 2020. That'll be something for the workers to look forward to, eh?

A local real estate guy once sent calendars to every household in my city. A few days later it was noticed that one of the weeks appeared twice.

Of course we went on strike one of those weeks

2 engineers got married = with this ring, I de-weld

Marriage is a "union" between 2 people

But! Church or Registry Office = costly
SUPERGLUE! = Cheap and just as bonding...

I died and went to hell even in death I get on the wrong bloody bus