h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Pweesh*
*Checkout walks onto the bridge*
Liuetenant Pavel Checkout reporting for duty Sir!

So, who wants a cuppa?

*Looks at Checkout*

I believe Tatty is serving tea at the moment, but, if you don't mind, could you monitor the Pizza ship from that console over there...?

*E indicates a console*

I've been getting some...erm...strange readings from it...I'd just like you to confim them...

I think they might be trying to communicate with the Horrible Somethings...or they were, before they were frozen... It would be a good idea if we could trace the signal...

Why's the wee Russian fellow no' drinking vodka?

*Checkout moves over to the console, where various noises emanate, sounding similar to submarine radar*
Tracing begun Keptin, ve should haf the results shortly
*Wonders where he could find some vodka at this time of day*

*E sits down in the first officers chair whilst she waits for the results... She wonders briefly over where the Captain had gottne too, then decided that he must have been down in the bar with the others...*

*Makes his way back to the bridge*

*pweesh*

Hello, Tatty. Nothing much going on right now in the weapons department. We are having a little trouble with the starboard topedo tubes, though. They're jamming every fourth or fifth firing. If you know anything about that sort of thing, see if you can fix it. I am heading down to the weapons lab to work on a new anchovie repellant.

*Checkout's computer makes a satisfying bleep*
There, I haf traced the signal!
*Looks very pleased (and why shouldn't he be?)*
Results are coming through now E.
*Studies data*
I don't think you vill like this...
Hands printout to E

Everything is shipsahpe Cap'n except for the head which is sort of S shaped especially where it bends.

*E takes the printouts and looks at them...*

*She didn't like it at all...*

*Wakes up*

Boy, what a dream. I don't even remember falling asleep.

*Looks around*

Oh. Why am I in Ten-Forward?

*MAkes way to bridge*

*E was still staring at the readout when Affy walked onto the bridge*

*This was bad...very, very bad...*

*E didn't like it in the slightest...*

*It wasn't just the fact that there were more Pizzar ships on the way...*

*Neither was it the fact that they'd come armed with donut-destroying torpedos...*

*It wasn't even the fact that the Pizzars were working for the Horrible Somethings...*

*Oh no...what chilled her to her bones was the fact that the transmission had the distinct signal of the Donut Federation... There was a traitor in the Donut Federation...*

*A deathly hush descends on the bridge*
*Checkout glances around nervously, makes sure no-one is looking and takes something out of his pocket*
*Swigs at vodka miniture to steady himself from the shock revalation*
But E, no-one has effer betrayed to doughnut vederation bevore!
Who vould even vant too?
I can assure you it's not me. Dr Croz ran a full check on me and removed all pepperoni from my cerebrum, I have no reason to.

*E looks suspiciously at the few crewmembers on the bridge... Surely it couldn't be one of them...*

I, for one, do not think we can trust any one else. I'd recommend neural scans, but I wouldn't trust you scanning my brain. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't trust me either.

However, GL and I have been working on something that might prove useful. At The Crater on the Beach, we've built a UFO. Not nearly as big as some others, but it would be useful. Besides, we need as many ships as possible.

Removes himself from the bulkhead and makes his way to the bridge stopping breifly at the weapons room and the gents.

the lift doors open and curiously ornage is standing brandishing his weapon. suddenly he realises and puts it away and puls out the gun he removed from the weapons locker.

This ship is now under my control...

*Taps CO on shoulder*

Dr.C:Hello, I don't think you've had a medical have you?

CO: Er, No

*CO fires the stolen snowzer and freezes Croz*

*Wakes up in the weapons room. Rubs his head groggily.*

What hit me? One moment I'm working on the Anchovie repellant, the next, the door opens behind me and everything goes black.

*Does a hasty search of the weapons lab and finds a snowzar missing. Puts 2 and 2 together and decides to quietly investigate. Takes his own snowzar and exits the lab. Heads towards the bridge, reasoning that any action is probably taking place there.*

Hello? Is anyone going to operate or cure me?
Or am I just a main cast member doomed to wait in the Sickbay forever?

DD: Computor activate the EMH program.

EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency?

DD: Well we cannae find the Doc, Doc and this crew member has just been rescued from the Pizzar ship can you give him a quick checkover.

EMH: I am programmed with the knowledge of over 1000 of the top medical brains in Donut Fleet. And you want me to give a check up.

DD: It's an emergency it's impedding plot development.

EMH: OK let me see.

*Creeps along hallway towards bridge, snowzar in hand. Switches bridge door from automatic to manual. Puts ear against door.*

...this ship is now under my control...

*Thinks: well, this is the right place. Takes deep breath and hits door switch.*

*pweesh*

*Dives through doorway and rolls to left. Comes to a stop on knees with snowzar leveled at CO. Fires. CO is instantly frozen.*

Security, I think the place for this traitor is out into space through the garbage chute. But the brig will do. Everyone OK?