h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

-la? Well, I guess not then. Hello everyone, looks like a mission accomplished.

*wipes some molten cheese from forehead*

Maybe I should swing this over to Afgncaap5 to have it analysed.
Here, Science Officer, some molten cheese I just wiped from my forehead.
*hurtles the string of cheese in Afgncaap5's general direction*
It may be from the pizzar ship... but then I do remember I had six Sloppy Joes for breakfast.
And when a klinklong eats, he just digs in... anyway I'm glad it's off my forehead now.

*steps over to Boy with a pensive look on his face*

Cap'n my cap'n, what ARE we getting into? A scheme against the entire galaxy, no less?
It's all too complexicated, and I'm off to see how BB's doing.

*scurries over to sickbay*

*looks round the bridge, looking for someone to report to*

*looks around bridge, for bottle of scotch to report to*

*Puts finishing touchs on the third new snowzar in weapons lab.*

These are much better than the old phasars, and cheaper too.

*Walks over to the torpedo tester, looks at results of latest test. Frowns

Hmmm. Still not quite right. Let's see ....

*Tinkers away at second prototype stale doughnut torpodo. Puts it in tester and presses green button.*

Let's see how that works.

*Walks over and sits at desk. Leafs through Affy's "Conspiracy" folder.*

Now I wonder if these Pizzars are in league with the Horrible Somethings .......

Captain Joanna, we're all very sorry about the loss of your ship. I still have people working on investigating what happened to your shuttle too - it's been phased with what appears to be similar energy to the energy which has phased Mr Mandarb. Here - have a communicator. Good to have you aboard.

Mr Garius Lupus, if I could see you and that file in my ready room for a moment...

*enters ready room. waits until GL turns up*

Commander Eomando is still on the Pizzar ship, with Mr BluesSlider and Mr Joolsee. Their findings will prove essential to this mission, I believe. I suspect that the Pizzars are pawns of the Horrible Somethings in this matter - doing their dirty work for them. After all, who better to help exterminate all the doughnuts in the galaxy than a race who are naturally disposed against them? I'd like you to continue working on the snowzar and the doughnut torpedoes alongside Mr Afgncaap5, please. I'll take custody of the folder for the moment. Dismissed.

*Enters ready room with file*

*pweesh*

You called sir?

*Voice from bridge* Sir, we're picked up a slight temporal disturbance back there...but it's gone now... There's an incoming transmission from E...



Captain, we've found another hostage... Tell Dr. Croz to get ready, he's in pretty bad shape...

Requesting emergency beam out... BS & I can always come back...

3 to beam up...

*E BS & the haggard-looking lietenent Checkout materialise...*

BS, get Checkout to sickbay... See what Dr Croz can do for him...

*Finishes analyzing molten cheese. Begins helping GL with the snowzar project*

You know, GL, these things are brilliant. Glad you're an ally of Crater Labs, Inc., not an enemy.

*Pushes donut*
Captain, this cheese that I was just analyzing is . . . odd. First of all, it is cheese of a sort. That goes without saying. Second of all, it is carbon based.

Now, I wouldn't risk my life on it, but I bet that this Pizzar ship is a sentient life form all on its own! Well, the outer hull is obviously not, but I believe that we were actually walking inside something. Had we not rescued BB when we did, I'm afraid he could've been digested.

I recommend modifying GL's snowzar device to attach to our ships main phasers. That way, we can freeze the ship, and cart it around with us with no fear of its attack. Then I can study it when I find time. However, we should probably get everyone who is on the ship off ASAP.
*End of donut transmission to Captain*

*Pushes some buttons on side of the medical table*

Lieutenant Checkout, you are in a bad way aren't you?



Wait a minute, what's this???

*Looks at what appears to be a slice of pepperoni crawling out of Checkout's ear, which then makes a dash out of the door*

Security alert! A slice of pepperoni just came out of Checkout's ear and is now roaming the ship!

Security teams to the medical deck, begin sector search, phasers on stun, we need to be able to analyse that little sucker.

*Finishes work on the macro snowzar.*

Thanks for your help, Affy. Now I just need someone from Engineering to bolt this onto the outside of the Esirpretne. I'll go up to the bridge and install the remote aim-and-fire mechanism on the weapons panel. Wait ... I almost forgot.

*screws metal plate on macro snowzar and another on the remote aim-and-fire mechanism. The plates read: "Another Fine Product of Crater Labs, Inc."*

*pweesh* Exits weapons lab and heads toward the bridge. Notices motion near the floor while passing sleeping quarters. Looks, just in time to see what looks like a piece of pepperoni disappearing around a corner. Presses doughnut.*

Garius Lupus reporting a sighting of the pepperoni on Level C, Corridor 7, heading aft.

I'm on my way!

*A couple of people in Red go with him to be killed so he can shoot the thing whilst it devours their bodies.*

*BS and Ensigns Bitpart and Walkon arrive on level C*

Bitpart, you head left, Walkon, you go right, I'll head straight on. Phasers on stun and keep your eyes peeled.

*The party splits up*

*Loud screams from the left*

*...followed by triumphant grunts and slashing and hacking noises, in short every indication that something unspeakably lethal and painful is going on*


*cheerful whistling sound and general air of okay-ness from the right*

Apart from that little incident, Lieutenant Checkout is fit enough to return to duty. I am a little concerned however about how this rather nasty slice of salami got aboard the ship in the first place. Are the nasty thing detectors working on the transporters DD?

*E makes her way down to level C to see what on earth was going on... She took the Snowzar with her, set on stun...*

*E approaches the door, she could see BS inside, whilst also hearing a really horrible noise from the left...*

*E cautiously goes to the left...looking everywhere for the slice of salami*