h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Enters Engineering in time to hear Joanna's inspirational speech.*

Hey, Joanna. I have one Mark II Acid Sleetzar here that will work on those Bjorgs. Where would you like me to go?

*Hopes she does not answer that facetiously*

*DD turns the padd the other way up*

Nope that's no better.

*He decides to follow E*

*Notices that DD was following her...*

DD, I thought you'd have been better off in engineering and getting rid of the Bjorg rather that following me...

Oh well...

*Realizing he is going the wrong way and all american DD heads off in the direction E pointed*

*gives GL the look which says I could have if I'd wanted too *
Over here. Feed the pattern of the Sleetzar into the replicators, and replicate one for all essential personnel.
Do we still have sensor data from the brigde?
*takes padd from waiting ensign*
Good. It doesn't look like they've assimilated anyone so far.... however, we must assume that this is their priority. I want all non-essential personnel moved to deck 36 alpha, they should be safe there.
*suddenly remembers that this isn't her ship; carrys on giving out orders regardless....*

*E continues on her way to find the Captain...flaming a few Bjorg on her way...*

*DD almost runs past door*

Ah engineering, see i know this ship like the back of my head, sorry hand



Ah Joanna, GL I past a Swedish looking tennis player in the corridor any idea what he's doing on board with a wooden racket?

Where did you see him? Security! I want teams on all the corridors DD has been down. *find* the Bjorg and *kill* it. Stat!
They must be doing something to the primary internal sensor system. Switch to backup, passive only. Tell me what you see.
DD, stop here, and help me recalibrate the transporter systems.

*E rounds another corner...she notices that there are quite a few dead Bjorg littering the corridor... She reasoned that she must be getting close to where the Captain was...*

*Realising that the crew are in danger and now trapped in main engineering, Dr. Croz puts a plan into action.

Knowing that Bjorgs are super-evolved tennisoids, their major weakness would logically be Robinson's Fruit and Barley water.

Dr. Croz makes up some and spikes it with something that will give the Bjorgs some nasty sports injuries so they have to go back to their ship to recover; and then sends out nurse SheWon'tBeInItNextWeek to give it to the Bjorg*

*DD scratches his head*

I think I've been all over the ship lass.

'Puter can ye give a read out of where I've been in the last few mintues please.

Chief Engineer DD has been on decks 1-35 and in Geoffries Tubes1-17,25,27,36,57-103, 230-256, 340-356 in all

The passive sensor readings are starting to stream through now...
*gives DD an irritated look, evidently Joanna isn't used to this kind of crewperson*
There are concentrations here, and here.... I'll put this on active feed to the tricorders of the security teams, hopefully the first officer will get the data too....

*Catches up to GL right before he replicates the new weapon*

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE FORGETTING???


*Slaps a "Another Fine Product of Crater Labs, Inc." sticker on the gun*

That should do for now.

Captain, Eomando, Joanna, GL, DD, Tatty, BB, anyone who'll listen to me, listen to me! The Bjorg aren't on an assimilation mission! If they were, then CO wouldn't have even considered going to their ship! They can still assimilate us, but that isn't their prime objective! We need to put a virus, or something, in the computer system, so that whenever they attempt to hack into our mainframe, they'll get 'sick'! I think I know what it'll take.

*Waves a floppy disk*

Captain, with your permission.

*Checkout takes the first batch of the gun and hands them out to some red shirted ensigns*
Ve must ensure the safety of engineering, is that understood Ensigns Defwish and Imenentdef?
*Checkout heads out of engineering and takes the point*

*DD looks at a 'puter screen*

There's something going on here. I 's miss ng out he ocasio al l tte ma b th vi us has al eady tak n ef ect.

*A scream is heard from the lower decks, as well as the slurping of a large jug of lemon barley water*

Closely followed by a yell of "You cannot be seriuos"

*Checkout, Defwish and Immenentdef creep round the corner, only to come face to face with a Bjorg*
*Defwish and Immenentdef open fire with snowzars, which rebounds and freezes both of the forever*
NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
*Checkout lunges at the Bjorg and goes for his neck, flying past, he manages to pull out a paperclip from the Bjorg's neck*
*The Bjorg slumps and seems to wake up*

HI I'm Seven-of-Up - don't hurt me - why am I not hearing the collective!!!

*A tear rolls down cheek*

What have you done???

*points at Checkout and waves finger in fury*

*Checkout sets his snowzar to 'Stun' and shoots the Bjorg, being disconnected from the collective, the snowzar freezes Seven Of Up*
*Checkout picks him up and slings him over his shoulder*
Checkout to Joanna, i've got a down Bjorg here, we may be able to get some information off him, request emergency beam out to engineering...*