h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Good one.

actually thought up this morning on the heading into town

It's amazing what crops up when you're on a

So you're not being driven around in a Rolls Royce Porniche then?

Not any more. I fell on hard times and had to let my chauffeur go

I bet he drove a hard bargain regarding his wages

I came last in a competition and won the booby prize = a pair of

News headline: 'Sonic the Hedgehog firm in talks to buy Angry Birds'

Makes sense. I wouldn't expect Sonic to be a weak negotiator, especially with those birds. Just wondering if the Pigs are the ones selling.


Anti-climax alarm! Turns out they meant that Sega is buying Rovio...

Angry birds, a flock of carrying baseballbats

Parade organizer: you can put flags on your floats, but you don't have to. In other words, you can waive the flags.

Organizer: I need an outdoor space for an after-ski party. My guests are very health-conscious, and would like access to fresh springwater.
Park manager: I have just the spot for you. There is a spring, but this is December, so technically it's winter water, which doesn't flow.
Party organizer: Icy.

Quasimodo went to ring the bell one morning and found that it had been stolen. When he reported the theft, he received the No Bell Prize.

Husband: Why are you brewing beverages in the radiatorof your car?
Wife: Because it's a Model Tea.

The French Gite d'Etape didn't have a doorbell. Instead, they had a sign saying 'Noquons d'Or!'

First cowboy: Why is that actor performing on the roof of that stage coach?
Second cowboy: He's doing a one act play. He's on the stage that's on the coach

Scientist: I've noticed that people who drink milk are not bothered as much by tick bites. it's because milk contains lacktick acid

Why did Prospero get such good TV reception? Because he had Ariel.

Doughnuts make my brown eyes blue.

The new zookeeper had some strange ideas. He made female apes wear bikinis made from summer squash. He called them zookinis. He put a directory of the zoo at the entrance and called it zoos who. He had the attendants ties brooms to the alpha lion's tail at sundown expecting that the lion sweeps tonight. He put the giraffes in a special enclosure with statues of dinosaurs and called it Giraffic Park. He had a special sale of Penguin books in front of the penguins' enclosure. He hired a comic to tell jokes in front of the hyenas' cage. Even if the jokes weren't funny, at least the hyenas would laugh.

Did he check the seals for leakage though?

He awarded the orca a seal of approvement

And the lion received a badger of honour.

Tonto's gone Chinese, he now calls the Lone ranger "kemo-wasabe"

You're my thyme favourite herbalist.

Basil and Rosemary were always jealous..