h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

man was never an all-rounder he couldn't bowl or field

The batter was a lousy - quite simply not worth the dough he earned

The economic slowdown in China is a Dongguan shame

There's flooding along the Kern River in California. Old Man River keeps on rolling along.

In science class, the teacher asked me to explain the Uncertainty Principle. "I'm not certain what it is," I said.

This morning it was snowing, and then changed to rain precipitously.

If the rain in Spain falls manly on the "plane" (plain) why don't the wings get wet ???

The Junipers were at it again.

Mrs. Juniper wanted to know why Mr. Juniper couldn't get her a ring as big and luxurious as the one Mr. Catalpa got for his wife.

Mr. Juniper was skeptical. "I saw the ring," he said. "It wasn't very larch, judging by ap-pear-ances. Stop pecan on me and don't be a beech. What wood yew have me do, go out on a limb and ask my pawpaw to Linden 'nough money to get you the latest apple-iances? I willow a bundle after I do that. I don't suppose yew want anything locust. You're plum loco, and you're driving me bananas. I think I'll go to the bar on Elm Street and get trunk!"

So he went to the bar and promptly got potted.

Elmer Fudd: - Wook here, you wascawwy wabbit, I'm 85 and I've chased you for 84 years now. How come you're still awive?

Bugs Bunny: - Well, Doc, you know what they say: Old Rabbits die hard

Time for some geology jokes

Tectonic plates are washed in a geo-sink-line

Hundreds of millions of years ago, the earth became so cold that the oceans froze 400 feet deep. The continents were covered with continental drifts.

It was not a gneiss time to be alive. No Schist!

Not a joke threadbut a pun thread


Tectonic plates, so hard to eat off they're constantly moving

Not all jokes are punny

Not all yolks are sunny

My previous puns were submitted to the unappreciated puns group on facebook, and they have not been rejected.

I usually crosspost my puns. If I'm really cross, I post them twice.

"unappreciated puns group on facebook"

andThe 's PUN Thread appeared WAY before facebook was EVER inventedand

How about serving tectonic omelettes on the tectonic plates? Geysers do smell like rotten eggs sometimes.

So do some geezers

At least that's what they tell me

" The prof 's PUN Thread appeared WAY before facebook was EVER inventedsmiley andlaugh"

That contains no puns, not even lame ones.

She walked the red carpet at the awards ceremony, wearing a gold lame gown. Everyone agreed that the gown was pretty lame.

"That contains no puns, not even lame ones"

Do lame puns need a leg up ?

No disrespect to a pun that's got an artificial leg

"Shouldn't you see a surgeon about that gash on your leg?"

"Nope, I think I'll go to the DIY section of the bookstore and get a book on sewing up wounds."

"Okay, suture self."


If you spend a lot of money to influence the outcome of an endeavor, you might end up outfluencing the income.

I've bought 10 doors
I was fed up of window shopping

Anna Pell O'Day was married to a doctor, but they divorced. Now she keeps the doctor away with a restraining order.

"In lieu of flowers" means there are flowers in the loo

Sentient trees record their adventures in logbooks

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

I've planted nude ladies I'm trying to grow porn on the cobs