h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A clown was arrested for throwing a pie at a policeman. He was taken into custardy.

the caught a and everyone laughed it smashed all his teeth

I pared a pair of pears while waiting for the alteration of my pair of trousers.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

I tarted up the apple and quince pie in vain, by putting extra icing sugar so as to hide the tartness of the filling when being eaten.

I tarted up the apple and quince tart in vain, by putting extra icing sugar so as to hide the tartness of the filling when being eaten.

The smashed potato and turnip (neeps and tatties) became a smash hit.

He's been office for 31 days now. I haven't slept in a month of Trumpdays.

no apologies needed Kat love

we all make mr stakes oops! missstakes

I had a meeting in the city with my stockbrokers Mr. Loss and Ms. Take. Sadly Mr. Gain was busy elsewhere.

The last time I told a political joke, he got elected.

The stakes were high at the Stakeford poker tournament as the winner would have dinner for four and be served organic free range stakes (steaks) with organic vegetables in season. There was no-mistaking it about who won the tournament as they came up trumps with their trump card.

Hearts fluttered and diamonds sparkled as the men in power suits sat down to play poker.

Wheen sheep go to a cafe, who prepares coffee for them?

A baaarista

a cow jumped over the moon, pull the udder one!

It was udderly fantastic to see the cows of Uddersfiled, happily grazing in the field and chewing the cud and sharing their thoughts with each other about the weather.

Scientists in Russia have found a way to get milk from moss. They carried out their experiments in Mosscow.

When I planted marigolds on my windowsill, I didn't realize I was honoring Hollywood, specifically "A Pot o' Calyxes Now." Once they come up, I'll be living in the best exotic marigold hotel.

At the re-opening of Prestwick airport in 1994, which is 9 miles north of Ayr which inspired one of the Ayr residents when walking by the banks of the river Doon in Alloway, to a write new adaptation of Bach's Air on the G String but called it Ayr of a G string which is played on the piano, guitar, harp and bagpipes and it is entwined with the melody of the 'Ye Banks and Braes of bonny Doon'

When Fred bought Wilma a second hand ring with a stone of flint and told her it was a diamond she took it for granite