h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

but she had a great tongue on her

Keeping those kids in line is her sole purpose in life.

People are panic buying vegetable seeds in the wake of last week's lettuce shortage because of the bad weather in Greece, Italy and Spain.
They think it could just be the tip of the iceberg.

Lettuce hope the crops aren't hurt too badly.

hording food is a carroteristic feature in many folk

They should wait dill warmer weather.

Barman: You know that villain from one of the latest James Bond movie? He was in here yesterday, but behaved so badly I had to kick him out

Regular: Javier Bardem?

Barman: Nah, he can come back once he's sobered up

Podiatrists give I-pods to their patients to help them relax listening to their favourite music while they are having treatment done to their feet. Podiatrists tell corny jokes as they remove corns and clip and file their nails, where it was recorded and made it in a video. It was a short film clip.

Batman bought a fedora. He wanted to be the capped crusader.

A bunch of robins followed the priest wherever he went. Birds of a father flock together.

The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

When musical notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.

A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well. He was known to be bambidextrous.

[Great puns, Rosa!]

Chief Sitting Bull had been sitting inside all day, planning his next moves. The rest of us were concerned. We didn't know his in-tent-ions.

the cricketer was bowled over, when a ball hit his bails

The world's oldest bee is known as Everla Sting

Bacon are the flowers of the common pork-u-pine.
Which is very rare.
Unless it's well done.

, I'll get me coat

Farmer Green was known as a very mean man. So mean that his artichokes had no hearts.

farmer Greens fields were always waterlogged they were full of leeks

Lettuce hope no one drowned there.