h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was reading Hamlet in my ham-mock in the garden eating a ploughman's salad for my afternoon lunch which had large slices of gammon ham and I listened to West Ham football match on my radio. In the evening I played back-gammon with my neighbour Ham.

To publicise the play Spamalot, the theatre had spam put on their restaurant menu and many of the customers frittered away their money on multiple spam requests for spam fritters.

I keep on getting spam emails promoting spam with special offers and free samples of tinned spam.

I prefer pre-packed mushrooms, but I was amused to see the local greengrocer peddling loose morels.

I don't like ambushes, so I'm saving for a bacon tree

The last few puns seem hampered in some way. I never sausage a thing.

That's baloney if ever I saw one

What does a crow drink with breakfast?

Cawffee.

When I lived in Shepherds Bush in West London in the through out the mid to late 70's until the mid 80's I was a big fan of Kate Bush and listened to all her big hits. I also had a bushy Kate Bush hairstyle and clothes. Some evenings I would play one of her records as I sat on my settee eating home-made shepherd's pie.

Mag-gie who is a part volunteer at the Ockendon forum and her favourite member of the crow family is the magpie. Her favourite children's TV series on ITV was Magpie in the 70's.

I drove in my old banger of a car to a favourite cafe of mine where they are renowned for their speciality dish of bangers and mash.

I will be taking a picnic when I visit Hampstead Heath it will be a picnic hamper filled with all my favourite cuts of ham and accompanied with salad.

I bought soda at a mom and pop store.

My dear old pop drank a glass of lemonade pop while dancing to 1960's pop records.

I was watching streamed videos of collectors of soda stream machines which were the very much sought of item in the 70's.

Our butler is a robot. he was built on an assembly line. We call him MacHines.

Which composer's routine consisted of drinking tea, hacking his lungs out, and then hitting the slopes? Chai-cough-ski!

Lets have a garden party, lettuce turnip the beet.

The miner from Northumberland took his bait box and bottle* to work which he had for lunch and on his time off he would go fishing where he took fishing bait of maggots and flies.


*In Northumberland a bait box is used to store your sandwiches and a bait bottle is where you put your tea in.

What do you call a butler with no teeth?
An in-dentured servant.