h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*you speak into an intercom, with a qualified Mercenary service and sales representative on the other end*

So whats all this about major chaos at the dragonhouse?

Slips 1 mil credits of actually useful cash and offers of a place at the Haunted Castle.
*whisper* Practical jokes, only,please. Hit the Dragon House.

So whats going on?

*intercom crackles* No sooner said than done, coming right up, thank you for your business.

*gets out his palm and wires the mic through to a loudspeaker*

(very loudly) WHAT'S GOING ON?

*the loudspeaker blows out* Draco, we have been hired by the dogs to cause general chaos to happen at your posting. You are able to hire us for the same purpose, and I don't like or hate you as a person as a result. Just business, you understand.

Wait a minute...

*opens up the nearest maint. hatch with his access card*

*reappears on the other side of the intercom a few minutes later*

What's the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?

42, are you daft? This is the H2G2 Mercenary Service Center, you shouldn't be here. Eva, create new security class: Conditional Acces Class 11-S. Set location: Mercenary Service Center class Secure Facilities. Set my security card to full 11-S access along with the mercenaries on file. Set SM's card for emergency conditional 11-S access. Apply changes.

[eva] Done, captain.

Fine, can I join the mercenaries then?

So Red DOg hired you. I'd like to hire you to make chaos at dog conversation links or whatever.

Sounds cool, can I play Venom?

Umm. You probably need to ask the mercenarie people. I'm just a dragon.

*hands him one of the diffuse energy weapons, a silksteel armor suit, and a standard-issue backpack* Now, talk to Njan or Krans for your terminal pill, which gives you full status as a Mercenary and access to the GSV Incorrect Catachresis. If they don't give you one, I'll need the weapons/armor/etc back. And Draco, we'll need a more specific target. Also, It was the Hon. ex-Rambling who hired us, and she told us to stay off the Dog House until RD could give permission. And we'll need a 10,000 credit retainer.

Oh, oh.

Oh, you run. You're immortal.

Yeh, but my fan club and my statue aren't.

How do I find your mysterious allies?

*Hologram appears in middle of desk*

Captain Venom... how come I wasn't informed of the existence of this page...? Or am I just being stupid?

Ahh, I do believe that you are the man whom Venom hath directed me to!

Can I join the merceneries?