h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*shakes his head in disbelief at the extreme number of ships in the area*

EVA, get me Captain Venom on this console!

*the nearest console opens a video-link to the Starpilot Hotel Space Station and displays Captain Venom's face*

Captain Venom, this is Axe Storm of the UBS Tripwire 4.01. You now have two options. Either you surrender your vessel and yourself to the h2g2 Mercenaries immediately or the large amount of ships that Njan and Krans have kindly provided will destroy you and your vessel. Your choice. I await your reply with eagerness.

*one of the GSV's avatars appears in the command center of the spacestation*

You were warned, Captain Venom. I'm happy to accept your graceful acquiescence to peace, should you wish to proffer it. Otherwise, there are several thousand ROUs which are just waiting to take you apart, any one of which is quite capable of pitching a hole in subspace large enough to eat a planet, let alone your space-station.

[stuttered tight point, M4.15, tra. @n5.37.15.2566]
x RDO Insufficient Excess
o (unidentified type) UBS Tripwire
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Note that we (multiple mode) have our effectors targetted on your brain, and we are willing to modify your brain patterns, perhaps destructively, than risk damage to our ally's ship.

Not only that, but we have temporarily disabled the ships auto-destruct mechanism, just in case you had armed it.

[stuttered tight point, M28, tra. @n5.37.16.1734]
x RDO Insufficient Excess
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Please be aware that depackaging is almost complete... full military preparedness in 16 hours [location diaglyph attached #6f76de].

Long-range effectors are ready (as mentioned in previous signal) and grid-fire impulsers will be online @n5.37.18 estimated.

Primary weapons system will be ready as soon as depackaging and diagnostic routines have been completed, but I'm hoping not to have to use it - killing every sentient being in 20,000 light years radius is not desirable.

H&H.

*on board the SHSS* EVA! immediate emergency transwarp, 192.168.1.101 execute!
*the entire complex is suddenly gone*

(GCU Conflict of Axioms #n79239723/712)

[swept-to-tight beam, M92, received @ n2.16.6.0207]

x GCU Conflict of Axioms
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Have picked up residual energy. Readings attached. Tracable. Annotated data referred to all minds present.


*the avatar on the bridge smiles and puts its hands together* ...one of our GCUs, who has kindly remodelled her internal bays to provide our task force with advanced sensor readout, has traced the residual energy readouts from a primative form of displacement which utilises fixed-spin particles to carry matter, rather than the lower-level lateral energy grid system implemented in all culture vessels. The location of the ship has been transferred to all vessels.

*the avatar blinks for a moment, and smiles again in the same way as so many times before, and the viewscreens of the tripwire suddenly see virtually clear space, now only graced by the same squad of ROUs as before, the GSV, and the two other larger craft*

All vessels have been repacked inside the GSV. I Suggest following the spacestation.

*considers scuttling the station* *has worked too hard on it* EVA, lay offensive decoys x20, minimal distance random transwarp, repeat 10 times, execute!

EVA, open computer connection to the Starpilot Hotel Space Station. Open designer loophole 71562, password follows: ********. Deactivate SHSS EVA unit (as detailed in previous postings) permanently.

Send notification, Captain Venom. Continuted use of EVA unit is a breach of license. Your EVA unit has been deactivated. Thank you.

(GCU Conflict of Axioms #n10807960/512)

[swept-to-tight beam, M64, received @ n2.17.6.1752]

x GCU Conflict of Axioms
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Report all decoys destroyed by ROU (converted Affront battle-class) Hell Runner. Path is clear.

ksu

|8|

*information relayed to all vessels by the GSV Incorrect Catachresis*

*the GSV's avatar makes noises which in a human, would approach a chuckle, and yet again, projects onto the bridge of Captain Venom's vessel*

Mr. Venom, you presently have 11,527 culture vessels, all of which are at least Type-3 Offensive Units, and all of which, individually, outgun your vessel by many factors. It would take a vessel several million times the volume of your vessel to even begin to provide adequate means with which to fend off the vessels with which you are faced, and even given that, the level of technology encapsulated in the force around you is many times that to which you have access. If you give yourself up, your request will be taken reasonably.

*the avatar disappears*

*on SHSS* [EVA] Remote access by user Axe... disconnecting remote terminal.

[to avatar] Screw you. I'm not surrendering to these lowlife collective types. I've got supplies to last fifteen years, and a full tank of transwarp fuel. I can outrun you easy, and outlast even easier. Why are you attacking a peaceful station anyway?

I'm on the hotel, not a vessel of any sort

[stuttered tight point, M16, tra. @n5.39.20.1385]
x RDO Insufficient Excess
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Depackaging complete. Weaponry interlocks in place. Standing by.

Given a 2exp HS deep scan of the subject, and given Federation-equivtech, maximum performance is estimated at 240KL. Recommend Combat Heavy Lifter "Covered With Flies" is dispatched to track subject, and other units returned to normal duties.

Should subject return to sector, recommend immediate action. Otherwise, why are we tying up resources?

[stuttered tight point, M4.15, tra. @n5.38.20.9856]
x RDO Insufficient xcess
o (unidentified type) UBS Tripwire

We are insulted by your comments.

The Culture/Federation are no "low-life collective types". All Involved minds and organic lifeforms are entirely independent of will. It just so happens that currently we have decided to assist another party, which happens to be opposed to you, and happens to be a Collective.

It would be much appreciated by us if you would amend or retract your insulting remarks. After all, these T4OU types can be a little... jumpy, and we don't want any accidents to happen, do we?

(ROU Hell Runner #n55199182/2042)

[swept-to-tight beam, M19, received @ n2.17.6.1510]

x ROU Hell Runner
o SS Starship Hotel

Warp travel is nothing to compared to energetic grid sliding. If you think you can outrun a fleet of ROUs, you've got another thing coming. And you're being attacked because you attached mercenaries. Well, guess what. We're all mercenaries. And we don't like being attacked.

ksu, punk.

|8|


(GCU Conflict of Axioms #n354135485/554)

[swept-to-tight beam, M64, received @ n2.17.6.1510]

x GCU Conflict of Axioms
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis
o RDO Insufficient Excess

Report ROU (converted Affront battle-class) Hell Runner on direct intercept to commense unauthorised offensive against opposition. Remind also of independant nature of ROUs and legal legitimacy of above action. Report also CHL "Covered with Flies", former combat compatriot of "Hell Runner", matching course with double-helixoid vector. Implication dual attack. Suggestions?

ksu

|8|

(GSV Incorrect Catachresis #n33234449/212)

[channeled secure beam, M128, received @ n2.17.6.1510]

x GSV Incorrect Catachresis
o ROU "Hell Runner" (Affront Conversion)
o CHL "Covered with Flies"

Request politely immediate ceasing of hostile activities. Concensus is to make further attempt at peace before commencing hostilities. Only alternative will be to ensure unified action and act accordingly.

Regards

|8|

(GSV Incorrect Catachresis #n33044569/212)

[broad beam, M92, received @ n2.17.6.1510]

x GSV Incorrect Catachresis
o All Culture Vessels
o (unidentified type) UBS Tripwire

Commence hostilities. Field is open. Act with caution. Follow lead of GSV and ROU/CHL pair. Mind preservation default. As a reminder, Gridfire and CAM authorised, but not necessary.

Regards, and good luck.

|8|

GSV Incorrect Catachresis #n32345239/212)

[swept-to-tight beam, M92, received @ n2.17.6.1510]

x GSV Incorrect Catachresis
o GCU Fate Amenable To Change (Escarpment Class) (Conversion)

As anticipated, activate linked ring of energetic and visible space warping. Vector 273, and comeback 12 parsecs. Safety threshold of 34ns, and watch the lip - that can tear viciously if you hit anything with it.

Regards.

|8|

(GCU Organic Life is Endemic #n55468882/202)

[swept-to-tight beam, M19, received @ n2.17.6.1522]

x GCU Organic Life is Endemic
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Report primary, secondary, and tertiary rings in place. Reinforcing, but unless direct CAM is anticipated on any of the nodes, it'll be safe. Even then, once the tertiary ring's up, it'll withstand absolutely anything. Recommend assign a squad of ROUs with a level-4 unification field around them to each GCU, total numbering 96.

Regards.

|8|

(GSV Incorrect Catachresis #n5543452/102)

[swept-to-tight beam, M19, received @ n2.17.6.1523]

x GSV Incorrect Catachresis
o GCU Organic Life is Endemic

Done. ROUs in place. 14-strong squad of type-4s assigned to each vehicle. Have displaced more from internal bay 19 to fill the gap, and RPO has reinforced with further 3,000.

|8|

*the avatar again appears on CV's vessel, and smiles at him again*.. you're surrounded, I'm afraid, and there's a ring erected around you in several dimensions and energetic levels of space, including several you haven't discovered yet. I'm afraid that there's no way in which you can move: the ring's tied to your vessel, and if you move, it simply moves around you as if nothing had happened. The ring can also suck energy out of your systems, but we've deemed that slightly too invasive for the moment. There are three squads of Rapid Offensive Units steaming towards your ship, and a further two already there, and several thousand more units surrounding you, in addition to three militant vessels which are the size of moons, not to mention the Tripwire and the Militant GCU vessels. Yet again, I respectfully request your submissal. Failure to comply this time will be met with strict force.

Outgoing transmissions are being monitored on all frequencies by several contact ships, so if you wish to submit, you will be heard on any hailing frequency which you use. You will be treated reasonably.

*the avatar disappears, whilst the avatar on the bridge of the Tripwire relates exactly what's happened to everybody present, and the GSV uplinks all relevant data to every ship present*

EVA, any comm nodes in the area?

[EVA] High-speed Sol-Terra Networks node.

Compose
To: SHSS Space Center
Subject:Protocol CV299
Message: Authorization 6-18-02 9-39-**********
end message
send

*after about five seconds, the entire hotel disappears in a blaze of light*

[stuttered tight point, M16, tra. @n5.39.20.1385]
x RDO Insufficient Excess
o GSV Incorrect Catachresis

Whew, that was a big one! Take a look (DiaGlyph attached). We're reading non-collapsed AM annihilation on a large scale. Fortunately we were expecting this - used remote field manipulation to route most of the energy through a fixed-emplacement displacer to a (fairly) empty bit of space. Damage to nearby buildings was fortunately minimal (DiaGlyph attached).

We feel that it was a bit excessive of him to take such drastic action - I mean, what do we want with his hotel?

Call us pacifist, but we still think we should avoid use of force where possible. Look what you've done now - tied up 90000 units that could be being used elsewhere.

Oh well. Guess there's no reasoning with you militant types.

*the hotel reappears next to another high-speed Sol-Terra Comms. node a few parsecs away* (protocol CV299 is a protocol that involves the destruction and complete reconstruction of the hotel via data lines and simple terabyte email attachments) *CV laughs to himself*

*the gsv's avatar on the tripwire bites its nails, watching the space station neatly slide back into view on the viewscreen*

*the gsv yawns*

*an avatar appears on the spacestation bridge*

*the second avatar yawns*... energy field.. tracking.. subspace ties. Don't worry, you can't get away. Do you want to surrender now, or are we going to have to wait again? This is getting rather tiresome.

*on SHSS*

[EVA] System Designer Backdoor activated. Administrator override deactivated. Uninstalling, please stand by... Done. EVA unit deactivated. Please use the standard computer interface.

Alright, EVA deactivation approved.
Computer! Link to Tripwire, activate SHSSTV (trojan virus), piggyback signal CV 911.

-done-

Activate antimatter ejection ports 1-255, set magnetic injectors to evenly coat the Merc fleet.

*the antimatter is ejected through the vacuum and released onto each mercenary ship* *the SHSS disappears ONCE AGAIN in a brilliant flash of light*

*an e-mail appears on the viewscreens of each ship of the mercenary fleet just preceeding antimatter annihalation*
to:Mercenary Fleet
From: SHSS Guest
Subject: HA!
Message follows:
NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!
-Galaxy Quest
-MESSAGE ENDS-