h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*walks in through the door*
Nice. They've recreated my Starpilot Hotel office down to the smallest detail.
*rubs his finger on the desk*
Even the dust on the desk. EVA?
*EVA's hologram appears*
What's the deal with the ship's cleaning systems? They aren't working.

[EVA] That is incorrect. The ship cleaning systems are currently working elsewhere in the ship.

[Axe] Well get them to hurry up.

[EVA] Cleaning system priority increase confirmed.
*A small cleaning bot enters the room and starts cleaning*

[Axe] I want this ship in pristine condition in two hours.

[EVA] OK. In the meantime, lets work on your user profile. I'll pipe the questions through to your Palm Pilot.

[Axe] Good idea. I'll get started.
*Types a few things, selects a few checkboxes and changes a few settings*
Will that do?

[EVA] Yes, that's fine. Next, you need to read the system reports.

[Axe] Will do, download them to my Pilot and I'll read 'em later.

[EVA] Finally, can you complete the Adaptive Language Systems?

[Axe] OK. Are my files from Starpilot synchronised with the Tripwire?

[EVA] Yes, via Pilot HotSync.

[Axe] Good. I'll get to work then.
*Opens source code files on his Palm and makes a few changes*
EVA, activate the new settings.

[EVA] Confirmed. Ship language will now adapt according to your conversation postings.

[Axe] Good. Now let me get some rest.
*Creates a makeshift bed from the beanbags and falls asleep*

*EVA's hologram appears*
[EVA] Axe, we've got work to do... Axe? Oh brilliant, he's fallen asleep again. Axe!!!

*wakes up*
[Axe] Eughh... What now? Can't you just put stuff on my schedule instead of waking me up?

[EVA] Err... no. Now, get out of "bed", we've got work to do.

[Axe] Damn right we have, you need a personality reprogramming session.

[EVA] Whatever. [to subsystems] Management menu... Scheduler... Axe Storm. Now, do you need me to remind you what you've got to do?

[Axe] No, I'm sure I can guess. EVA, call up a list of the fifteen most boring jobs on the ship.

[EVA] Very funny. I'll have to remind you. Firstly, synchronize your files with the h2g2 servers, 'cause your "sleep"s put everything out of sync. Secondly, complete all of the room... ... ... ... (10 minutes later) ... finally, re-upload all that data to the servers.

[Axe] stupid personality adaption I've got a better idea. EVA, if you don't get out of your mood, I'll reset your memory files.

[EVA] Fine, you win...

*lies down and falls asleep again*

*walks in through the door, holding a sniper rifle*
EVA, activate vr sniper excercises.

*the room transforms into a nighttime cityscape. Axe is crouching on a rooftop with the rifle in his hand. The wind howls around him, and the sounds of traffic can be faintly heard below.*
Ahh, perfect.
*holds the rifle so that he can aim through the scope and looks around*
I feel truly alive in this way, holding life and death in my hands. Now, let's find a good target.

*Someone is walking along the street below. Axe zooms in and sees that the loner is carrying a weapon*
Perfect.

*He activates the laser light, which creates a beam of infrared light down to the pavement in front of the man. He looks up, following the beam to the rooftop, and swears.*

BANG!

*the man fizzes out of view*

[EVA] Objective one complete.

*starts to walk towards the ladder leading into the building below*

[EVA] Priority game transmission. *voice changes to that of one of the game characters* You've been spotted. It looks like the Redmonds are sending more troops to attack you. I hope that you got that SMG reloaded!

*swears to himself*

Never mind.

*takes out a pistol and starts down the ladder, activating a security alarm concealed in the hatch*

[EVA] Priority transmission

*sigh*

[Axe] Patch it through

*simulation deactivates and the transmission appears on Axe's palm.

*walks inside a huge cityscape. Woah, this is cool. *takes out his custom-built plasma rifle and puts on the bipod and sniper module* *sights using the holographic dot scope to a group of soldiers* How'd EVA get all these people against one guy? EVA, you're crazy. *sets his rifle to the SCATTER-50METER setting and blows away the group* Axe, take your call.

*presses a button on his palm and the vid call goes fullscreen*

What's up?

[Ensign] We're ready for the test now sir!

[Axe] OK, we'll be on the bridge in five minutes.

*packs up and walks to the door, which requires taking the subway*

*deactivates the Sim*

*disappears with it*

EVA, reactivate all non-recreational holograms please.

[EVA] Done.

*CV still isn't in the room*

EVA, where is CV?

[EVA] Beats me.

Thanks a lot.

*walks out and looks for CV*

*walks back in and locks the door, to prevent anyone from getting killed by his "development"*

Just act like I'm not here, 'cause I can't be bothered with Continuity ATM

EVA, deactivate all protocols.

[EVA] Done.

Right. Computer?

[C] Here sir!

Activate my development suite and run the debug software, then run Spy++ (one of MS's better programs ) and check what's going on with this gelsuit.

[C] Confirmed.

*the room turns white As in the Matrix "loading program" and Axe suits up*

*he starts to mess about with the Gelsuit's UI*

Wow.