h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[to the Starpilot]EVA, please activate the Intermediate Testing course. Single hyperspace jump, expert target course, class: heavy carrier.

[EVA] Done

[EVA] Test systems engaged. Jump complete. Incoming tutorial notification.

*jumps to target range to watch*

[Tutor] Welcome to the Starpilot intermediate training excercises. This test course will examine your use of the weaponry avaliable on your ship. To complete the level, please...

[Axe] *presses the "Skip this" button*

Computer, activate manual control interface.

[C] Confirmed.

*sits back in the chair and hyperjumps to the first tactical trial*

*this simulation involves a battle, with the Tripwire against two unidentified but hostile ships*

I'm not going to go into too much detail, do you can fill in if you want CV, as long as I don't get destroyed

*the first shitp circles around behind the tripwire and guns for the engines while the second hits the bridge, distracting the crew*

*wonders about a few things, then activates his Industrial-Sized Force Shield, which encompasses the ship. The first ship is vapourised when it touches the field*

Activate tactic-4

[C] Tactic-4 engaged. Enemy ship cleanup engaged. Tractor beam engaged.

*a large blue-green energy beam emerges from the stern of the ship. It hits the enemy ship and holds it in its position*

[C] Customised weapon 1 - Holy $hit Hand Grenade activated. Launching.

*axe: *

*the H$HG appears from one of the Tripwire's missile tubes. It leisurely floats towards the enemy ship, which is powerless to do anything about it*

*axe smiles and opens a small compartment on the arm of his desk, revealing a panel of buttons.*

*the grenade moves until it is about five metres from the enemy weapon systems*

*axe presses the button*

*the grenade explodes, taking the enemy ship's weapons systems with it*

Now, this is the best bit. Computer, drain all of the power from the enemy ship.

[C] Confirmed.

*a few seconds pass*

[C] Sensors detect that enemy ship's hull integrity will fail in five seconds. Tractor beam disengaged to prevent feedback.

*The enemy ship blows up*

*notices the probe and scans it*

. How did I do then Yo?

[from SHSS EVA] Level complete. Stepping up amount of ships to: HORDE.
*about 759 ships come out of hyperspace towards the UBS Tripwire with laser weapons blasing, enclosing the Tripwire in a sphere of space by their number*
[CV] It's all a holo. If they hit you, it will go through a sim of "you're hit #1"..."you're hit #2"..."final hit"..."irreperable hull damage sustained, destruction. YOU LOSE"

[Microwave Transmission from probe] An interesting move.

[transmission to probe]Not really, it's all in the test program computer. Depending on how well one does in the previous challenge, the next is set on a level of FIVE SHIPS, 10 SHIPS, ESCORT CARRIER, SQUADRON, FEDERATION BLOCKADE, FEDERATION NAVY, FEDERATION(ALL), SHSS LEGION, SHSS HORDE, SHSS DEATH SQUADRON. He just performed very well. Of course, there are three challenges, and he'll have to fight off the SHSS Death Squadron on Hard Mode if he does too well here.

LS, tactical projectile scatter systems.

[LS] Confirmed.

*about 100 drones emerge from the weapon bay and head for the ships. En-route, they happen to sprout a few laser turrets*

*the ships, being computer controlled (and therefore stupid), head towards the drones. About half of the ships get destroyed by the swarm of moving turrets, and the extra time gives Axe some more time to use his Ion Cannon*

*eventually, Axe finishes "sweeping up" and opens up a Minesweeper window in the bottom corner of the screen*

[SHSS EVA] Congratulations. Moving to SHSS DEATH SQUADRON ADVANCED with neural AI control (aka they're halfway intelligent). *about 500,000 ships come out of the dark of space and surround Axe's ship in a sphere of death. They then proceed to fire guided missles at the Tripwire's reactor core. As the missles come in at .99c, you wonder why you had to do so well in the first two tests* *then they fire their cannons, which do not quite outpace the missles, but come close*

*pauses the whole tutorial system*



What? I take it that I'm not supposed to win this particular scenario then?

*continues the tutorial system*

Computer, trans-warp conduit system, random destination within this zone.

*the tripwire transwarps somewhere*

Right, where are we?

No, those ships aren't going to turn up any time soon, cause they don't know where we've gone (Trans warp is anon).

*The SHSS hanger encloses the Tripwire* No, you weren't supposed to win that... But I'm impressed that you did... EVA, shutdown tutorial.

*CV is escorted from the Bridge by security guards*

*The h2g2 Mercenaries beam down*

So, everyone, now that we are congregated, maybe we should discuss the location of our next negotiations room?