h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What shall be shall be and later is

Two hundred years ago, when my ancestor first acquired this land, there was a fine forest of many different kinds of trees. There was only one oak tree, but as time went by the other trees gradually died for opne reason or another. The oak wasn't bothered in the least, and kept right on growing. Here and there an acorn got planted by a forgetful squirrel, and began growing as steadily as its Dad. Now the forest is an oak grove, with one enormous tree at the center. Chances are,if someone comes along 200 years hence, that original oak will still be there, bigger than ever, and looking nonchalant as always.

300 years ago most of Nova Scotia was covered in mature oak
and pine. Then the Royal Navy started cutting up the oak for ribs
and trim and furnishings. The tall pine for masts and planking.

In the 1950s the government was still burning oak in the furnaces
of public buildings and even schools. All government furniture,
floors and staircases were still made from oak.

Then someone said hey wait a minute, it's all gone. The old
pine was long gone and faster growing spruce had taken over.
The spruce is pulped for toilet paper and towelling and all
the furniture is made from 'pressboard' and plastics.


~jwf~

When the Europeans arrived in this land, the Native American men spent their time hunting, fishing and training for war; The women tended the home, raised the children, planted the crops and made sure their men were cared for.

The White Man improved this way of life

FS

The Security Council was on high alert -- well, higher alert than usual.
A new enemy had been discovered near the Marianna trench, the deepest spot in the ocean: Communist fish. Worse, these fish had been gradually spreading their evil ways to other fish species throughout the oceans on the world. Who could tell what effect there might be on humans who caught these fish? The Secretary of Paranoia suggested secretly taking the nation's fishermen -- one by one, as covertly as possible, so as not to send the fish a signal -- and submit them to severe anti-Communist brainwashing.

Testing began in the nation's military labs, to determine whether diners in the nation's seafood restaurants were becoming indoctrinated by consumption of cooked fish. The initial results suggested that the answer wasno.

Sushi, however, was a different story....

I've been retuned to produce 25% less emissions.

No, really, I have.


Geggs

Booting an apple...

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=24882


~jwf~

I remember Douglas Adams

Methusela Edison was the oldest -- and, some would say, the maddest --
of mad scientists, but he was happy. He loved nothing better than to hide in his lab and invent things that would change the world.

Right now he was fidgeting like a schoolboy while a pack of rich, arrogant shareholders told him what he should be inventing next.

"Profits are down," P. J. Ganmore said with a frown. "We need new products!"

"We need more than that," sniffed Mrs. Shibbons. "We have 3,000 acres of land that is going to waste. It would be more profitable as a shopping mall or deluxe condo development."

"Two points," the chairman of the board cut in. "First, we're more profitable than 90% of all companies. Second, the 3,000 acres of oak forest are home to pigs that produce the world's finest ham. The pig droppings are sent down a chute to our underground mushroom farm, nourishing our specially-designed mushrooms which produce milk, coffee, and the world's finest wine. We're expanding the mushroom farm through excavation as we speak. This should increase profits."

Mrs. Shibbons glared. The others knew that she needed extra cash so she could buy another island in the Caribbean -- she owned three already.

Methusela shrugged at his daughter Susan, who stood at the refreshments table in the back of the room. Susan was his most valuable lab partner, but today she was just there to bring coffee, milk, and wine so the shareholders could taste the company's products. Speaking of which, it was time to replenish supplies.

Susan took the elevator down to the mushroom cellar and headed for Row V, which was where the freshest mushrooms were. They each stood six or seven feet tall, and had spigots stuck into their stems about eight inches from the ground. The mushrooms sensed Susan's presence, and sent out friendly vibrations. Humans thought with their brains, but mushrooms thought with their whole bodies. Susan could feel and sense what the mushrooms were thinking -- dread at the thought that when they died, they would be chopped up and fed to the pigs in the forest above. They also loved giving of themselves to the world. This was a lovely, maternal feeling. It gave their lives meaning to know that people needed their milk or coffee or wine. Susan didn't have the heart to tell them that the shareholders only cared about money....

...didn't I see something like this in one of the early Star Gate SG1 episodes...