h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

CASSOULET

1 can cannellini
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp6 garlic powder
1 onion, chopped
2 carrots, chopped
3 stalks celery, chopped
1 zucchini, chopped
1 small can chopped olives
6 breakfast sausages
1 can tuna fish
1 tsp oregano, dried
1 tsp thyme,dried
1 tsp parsley, dried
1 small can tomato sauce
1/2 cup white wine
1 cube chicken bouillon
1/2 cup rice

Throw everything in a stainless steel cooking pot, bring to a boil,
then lower the heat and simmer for 30 minutes. Makes 3 or 4 meals.

What was the question?

Gertrude Stein to Alice B. Toklas, on her deathbed.

London has Plane trees.

"The Republic of Unintended Consequences has one airport," the flight attendant told us as we awaited clearance to land. "There is one runway, and it's made of glass," she continued. Several sets of eyebrows went up. "Don't worry," she added, "it's just been replaced."

After a surprisingly uneventful landing, I fished my belongings from the overhead bins and hurried through the airport to the palace. I was due to interview the King and Queen, who were to be installed as joint Presidents the next day. Standing at the door to the palace, I noticed that the building was missing a wall. The guard on duty explained that an airplane had demolished the wall during a disastrous landing. "That is what comes of being so close to the airport," he explained. "Fortunately, very few people book flights to this country, or we'd be
missing a few more walls."

King Amadeus and his sister, Queen Theophila, were twins who had emerged from the womb at exactly the same time. The country's laws of succession were vague enough that even the Supreme Court was unable to choose just one as the country's next ruler. Parliament voted to
convert the country to a republic with an elected president. Amadeus and Theophila both ran for the post. The result was a tie. There was no provision for joint rule, but no one had any other ideas, so
the twins planned to give it a try.

They waved to me as I entered the Oval Office, which had been hastily converted from its previous incarnation as a throne room. Some very large aquaria ran along the walls, filled with strange creatures.
"Those are my proudest achievement," Amadeus explained. "I mated a male damselfish with a female sperm whale. I would prefer that they reside in a lake or the ocean, but this is a drought-ravaged,
landlocked country."

"Drought-ravaged?" I exclaimed as raindrops began to beat upon the roof. At the sound of this, Amadeus and Theophila went very pale. "Are the roofs not water tight?" I asked.

It was worse than that. Some of the palace was made of water-soluble materials.

paulh, that is brilliant!

Regression to the mean assures us that brilliance will eventually be followed by sheer stupidity.

>> Regression to the mean <<

Ah yes, and the inevitable perturbation [1].


~jwf~


[1]
Variation in a designated orbit, as of a planet, that results from the influence of one or more external bodies. Gravitational attraction between planets can cause perturbations and cause a planet to deviate from its expected orbit. Perturbations in Neptune's orbit led to the discovery of the object that was causing the perturbation—the planet Pluto. Perturbations in the orbits of stars have led to the discovery of planetary systems outside of our solar system.

Now that Pluto has goofed off planetory duties ....



My trousers are too lose. I need an asteroid.



Don't ring Saturn. He'll ring you.

It's impossible to find unbiased alpha testers. They always seem to have an opinion on how something should have been done instead, rather than just testing what you give them.

The ripples spread
From here to beyond,
Reverberating ever more
From pond to pond.

S Testing > Destroying

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I've cracked the secret to life, the universe, and everything. Then I find out that someone thought of it before me.

But I then wonder, did they do their research thoroughly enough? And I usually conclude that no, they needed another beer.

"Do you have to leave so early?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied, putting his pants on. "I have bills to pay."

"Bill's toupee?" she exclaimed. "Doesn't he need it any more?"

-- -- is, apparently American, though some say he's a merkin

Shopping list

one banana
one pear
one gallon of springwater
half a gallon of milk
a pound of hamburg

Hey mister tally man, come tally me banana,
Day-light come an I wanna go home.

It was just as he had feared. The evil mutant carrots were germinating again in his garden. How many times had he pulled them out by the roots, only to discover that a few root fragments had regenerated into new plants? He had lost count. Winter had come, and he thought the peril was finally vanquished, but now Spring was returning. Across the garden, tiny feathers of green were peeking from the soil. Every morning he went out, and there were dozens more. Worse, the roots had spread laterally
during the Autumn. The neighbors'lawns were now full of the carrot sprouts. It would be just a matter of time before thick jungles of carrot foliage would be shoulder-high across the city.

Hey, is this the way to Kookamonga?


~jwf~

When all is said and done, more is said than done. The exception would be Marcel Marceau.