h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Please feel free to come to my house and make pastry: I'm no good at it I'll jiggle the baby for you (Post natal of course!)

Buy ingredients, send child to school, heat oven, reheat mess from satchel, garnish with pencil sharpenings, bubble gum & Pokemon sticker envelopes. Serve with pasta shapes. Ring Dial-a-pizza

My having had a hysterectomy five years ago precludes my having a baby to jiggle.


But I do have three school age children and a husband at school. The problem in Germany is that school finishes at 12. Or 1. Or 2. Or in our case, all three, some of them dropping in during the morning and going off again, some staying away till 4.30 pm. Or 5. I long to be a normal mother back in England where the kids stay at school till four pm and not having to cook lunch just when I am getting into the swing of doing whatever I chose to do that morning. You can't get anything started or finished under those conditions. People coming in for lunch at all times, some in a hurry to get back for more school, some leaving later for school in the morning and you can't clear up the kitchen because they haven't had their breakfast or the bathroom because they're all going to clean their teeth and muck it up again.

When my mother or sister come to stay they find it confusing, too.

I dream of having the house to myself until everything is finished so I can get the kettle on at 4 and be having a cuppa when they all come in. I am prepared for them, they are ready for the cuppa, and there's still quite a bit of the afternoon left to do something together. That's what it was like when I was at school.

This is my advice (Coming from one who has had two children both birthed completely "natural"):

DO THE DRUGS!!!! DO THE DRUGS!!!! No glory in doing it naturally. I did, and then watched a good friend EFFORTLESSLY give birth with an epidural. It looked heavenly! And her baby is healthy (two years old now) and suffered no ill effects.

Oh, and, enjoy the heck out of it. Its the greatest thing you'll ever do, the hardest, but the most fun. Its a hoot! Good luck!

TC: you definately have to give me some tips how working mothers survive having school age children in this country. Sometimes I really wonder why I live here!!
Dimples: I thought my first birth was AWFUL! I was in labour a short time and it set on suddenly and painfully - no time for drugs. I swore that the next time my husband's sole responsibility (from about the 7th month on) was to shout "she wants all the drugs" every 5 minutes until the baby arrived. In the event between the onset of labour and the baby being plumped on my chest was about 2 hours. Yuk, but both times no time for drugs.
Tigerliy: it's true. The yukky bits fade (quickly) into the mists of time. The good bits stay. And, it is every woman's privelidge (sp?) to have horror stories (once they have given birth) for pregnant women. It's our reward!

Sorry TC - jumping to a new thread section I thought I was posting to Tigerlily...

Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
...I'm depressed...REALLY p*ssed off...ready to physically attack someone...don't want to be here (at work that is)...H2G2 can't even cheer me up Is it my hormones?

I'd send you a cat picture, but it doesn't work in postings

Yes Tigerlilly it probably is but cheer up it will pass

Thanks Cloviscat!

I hope it passes quickly because I can't be held accountable for my actions if someone crosses me! (God I hope there's enough petrol in my car or else I'll end up in a fight at a petrol garage on the way home!)

If you can find one with petrol to sell.........

'G'

You could try the Pregnant-Lady-in-Distress line, but given that people are siphoning fuel out of hearses, you might not succedd...

OK Tigerlily,
Here's a joke to hopefully cheer you up. (WAY BIG tangent from the thread I know) But it's for Tigerlily.

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAnity aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected]

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think".

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

13. dontuseanypunctuationsorspaces

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

17. Sing along at the opera.

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19. Find out where your bos shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (this is especially effective is your boss is the opposite gender).

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21 Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance, tell your fiends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.

23.Hum when you ride an elevator.

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple:

24. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you!

Thanks - it worked I'm laughing!

You definitely are pregnant. These ups and downs. Don't forget to warn your partner.

Oh believe me he knows, especially when I come home from work growling!
(grrrrrrr )

Oh my God! I must be pregnat too, then!

Me too! That would explain the housebrick and anchovy trifles I have been craving

Did you crave the housebrick or throw it?

Me again! Just a reminder: are you doing 5,000,000 pelvic floor exercises per hour?