h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I had my fourth child, the midwife said she was just popping out (probably for coffee). I told her not to go as I was about to have it, but she told me I was being stupid. She left, 3 minutes later out popped a baby and my husband ran out of the room shouting "she's having a baby!!" - everybody ignored him, because they thought he was over-reacting and I just wished he'd stayed in the pub!!

(All completely drug-free, natural births - I have to keep my wits about me as no-else ever does).

Congratulations Tigerlily!

I agree with breast feeding. I breast fed both of mine and it was so useful having a snack always available. Also it is the one time you can eat cream cakes and mars bars without feeling guilty at the excess calories!

Babies are babies for a very short time - enjoy him/her while you can. The TOTAL dependency on you lasts about 6 weeks, then they begin to notice the world.

Take lots of advice so you select which bits you like. Just because something works for one set of parents doesn't mean it will work for you.

Night feeds are something for you to decide. I found that if I could get two hours sleep I could cope, and I actually liked the 2 o'clock feed when all was quiet. If you have a partner, make sure that you don't both get tired. If the baby is asleep, you should be resting: the house work will still be there tomorrow or next month or next year. Take aways can be quite nutrious. DON'T GET TOO TIRED!!!!! Babies take up more time and energy than you realise.

Enoy your baby. Before you realise you have a gorgeous 15 year old round the house and you don't know where the time has gone.

Well done BCM! Everything I would have said (actually I did further up) but expressed much better. Perhaps it is fairer to say "listen to all the advice you can get - but decide for yourself which you are going to take" that to say as I did (although I meant the same) - don't take any advice! There are always one or two little tricks and gadgets to make life easier that someone may recommend to you.

And my 16-year-old is at present (5pm!) still sleeping off his first hangover. So that's the end of that - no more babies, no more soft little cuddly sicky-smelling gurgling yummy babies.

Until I'm a grandmother

Hmm, actually if you use artificial milk the baby´s immune system won´t be as developed. It´s better if he gets a bit of bacterias from you, then it will work better.

But - let's say this again - if for ANY reason breastfeeding doesn't work out for you: don't feel guilty and make the best of it!

Tigerlily - the Editorial room is buzzing with the conclusion that we think you might be the first researcher but almost certainly the second. Certainly we can only think of one other candidate.

Peta wants to know whether you were on site during the conception!

Hi Tigerlily,

I hope we (and I) haven't overloaded you with advice. But, we parents tend to like to talk about our kids too much and have way to much advice for our own good.

But what we really want to know is how the scan went friday, I hope everything is looking good, no problems.

Please let us know,

Mostly

Oh Tigerlilly,
I have missed seeing all the advice, and hadn't really wanted to post. But I have to butt in: I wanted drug-free etc etc. Finally (2 days before due date) I decided my husband's main job (main? only) was to say to everyone, in answer to every question and between questions "she wants lots of drugs right now". In the event (both times) no time. It hurts a lot, and I'm really smug about it. But don't do it if you don't want. Do whatever feels right for you (squatting in the corner is an option my Mum wanted, but in those days it wasn't allowed)
It's a great chance to shout and scream and abuse everyone. Make the most of it.
The poo. Ah yes. Well, there you have it. You have 2 choices: enema or poo. Go for the poo. Believe me, when it's actually happening you won't care if you have womb music or whale song, ambient light, aromatherapy oil etc etc. You might as well be in the middle of the M25 surrounded by medical students etc. poking prodding etc. You won't care. Because it hurts and it's undignified. Then, out comes the baby, and you won't give a stuff about anything. It is the best feeling ever.
And now I've come over all emotional. So I'm off. And I wish you luck.

Hi everyone! I've been ill with a cold *sniff* so I haven't really been H2G2ing it. Reading from a computer screen increased the thumping in my head! I'm fine now.
Firstly I'd like to give Sho a huge hug, thanks for the advice I appreciate your frankness - in fact your description is exactly how I imagined giving birth to be and I'm far happier going in to it with my eyes open. I hate it when people say 'Oh, I don't want to scare you, let me just say that it hurts' well yes, thank you I'm aware it's going to hurt but what about the details?! I'm preparing myself for the most hideously gruesome experience so when it comes I'm ready for it! Be brave!
Mostly, thanks for your concern. The scan on Friday was amazing. I'm not as far gone as I thought, I'm now only 12 weeks, well tomorrow, Wednesday I'll be twelve weeks exactly. The baby is only 46mm long - tiny - but the scan was so clear. It was rolling around kicking it's little legs and arms it was wonderful! The hospital is slightly worried as the baby had a full bladder, which appeared as a dark patch on the screen. I was sent to walk around for a while and come back and it still hadn't urinated so I've got to go back in four weeks time for another scan so they can monitor it. It could be nothing, a lazy baby, but it could also be early signs of kidney problems. I'm not worried as I think they're just being extra cautious, it's still very early to jump to conclusions, we'll see.

Regarding the poo - you really can't avoid it, enema or not! There is lots of straining and presuure, and even the cleanest of bowels will produce something. I know, I have been covered by it!

I guess the midwife and other staff are used to it but I'm mortified by the thought of it, then again as Sho said I'll have other things like pain to worry about to probably notice!
MMmmmm - do I really want my husband to witness me in this state? Will he ever find me attractive again? All that grunting and screaming and body fluids....
So when were you covered in poo Doctor Wonky Mungbean? When I was small I was in Ireland at my aunts farm. I was in the milking parlour during milking and standing on a lower level as the cows where the machinery and tanks are that collect the milk. Anyway, this unkind cow decided to do a toilet all over me, it's something I'll never forget - being hit by a shower of hot cow pat!

I was OK with my first two , but did feel a bit self-conscious as I was losing some solids when I was supposed to be pushing a baby out. You do use the same muscles after all (don't you, doctor?). I still feel I should have pushed more. They turned me onto my side to avoid it coming into contact with the baby. When they threatened to get the forceps I lost my inhibitions and pushed hard enough and there he was. That must be the oldest trick in the midwife's box.

Oh dear, I wasn't going to add to this, but I am now...definately don't have an enema.
I had one when I was in labour with my older daughter, now aged 22.
Then I sat on the toilet in agony for over an hour, passing nothing but the enema fluid & wind.
Back on the delivery table...first urge to push, no midvives in sight, I "diarreahed" all over the bed
I was mortified, but too far gone in pain to really care, I only knew that I *was* being cleaned up, and later found out it was my husband...
We did go on to have other children {two living} and I flat-out refused enemas, with both of those. Despite the fact that they were bigger babies, I managed to keep control of my bowels...
My last child, with another partner, was induced as I was late and also very much older...I was not offered an enema, not would I have taken one!
I distinctly remember my first thought when they handed Laura to me all those years ago, and said she was a girl, I looked at her & thought, you poor little thing, you'll have to go through this yourself one day...Laura has a son aged almost 4 and his birth was a doddle {according to her}...

I don't think my husband would have missed the births of our two childen for the world. (He has just said he found it quite funny when I peed myself and then swore!) Being there will also show him why childbirth is also called labour - it is hard work!

Trillian's Child will probably be able to relate to this.
During Transition (some say it doesn't exist, but believe me, an attack of the grumpies is on the card just before you start pushing) I was grumbling and whingeing about how much it hurt, in English (native tongue). Then in between contractions I was chatting to the midwife & doctor (in German, we live there) about the differences between the NHS and German health service, then whoops, another biggie and of I went again, swearing like a trouper!
Sorry, btw, if I put anyone off with the poo and whatever stories. But these are really the things that nobody tells you.
Also: make sure you have some warm socks handy for labour. I thought that instruction was German paranoia about having cold feet (they do, don't they TC?) but then I found out, cold feet can slow down your contractions. So make sure they are thermal and connected to the central heating
Glad the scan went well. I treasure my last one.

Just thought I'd add my tuppence worth, (again). My first was premature & they did all they could to stop her coming, but as labout started whilst the night shift were on & they didn't really believe I was as far on as I was, I got away without the enema, no problem. With my second there was no time, again no problem & the third time I had to ring the midwife as soon as I started, to avoid the rush we had second time around & I copped for an enema! Never again. That was the only time I soiled myself. So, I wouldn't bother. The actual mechanics of it, i.e. the head travelling down will automatically stop it (unless made fluid by an enema) my theory anyway.

Quite, if God had meant us to have enemas before having our babies he would have .. I dunno, fitted tubes or something.

I didn't swear, but when I was having my second I yelled "Mummy" - actually I wasn't thinking of my mother but of my first son who was probably missing me and calling for his Mummy. He probably wasn't really. My mother-in-law did such a good job of looking after him while I was away having No. 2 that it took a couple of weeks of hard work to recreate a relationship with him.

Now he's 18 and absolutely wonderful. You'd never guess I was so cross about the way I was treated during birth, ending up with a general anaesthetic and a suction delivery (quite common in Germany - a suction pad about the size of a bicycle bell is attached to the bit of the baby's head they can get at. The doctor pulls while the midwife pushes) Nor did I breast feed him, but I am still very pleased with how he turned out.

So it all works out in the end.

Re: Poo (again!) - In the 1940's & 50's, a lot of places used a mixture of NAAFI orange concentrate and castor oil to produce the desired effect prior to childbirth. I think it would make me throw up rather than poo.

Using the suction cup things is called a Ventouse delivery, and can leave the baby with a big bruise on the top of its head, making it look like it has a pointy head. Try and avoid it if you can - it isn't without risks, and many obstetricians feel it is barbaric.

As all my four children were induced (due to medical problems) and the hospital staff insisted I had enemas - which did their job pre-delivery. However, I would not recommend ALL fathers being present especially if you believe it will make them appreciate what you have gone through....With my first son, I was very ill and in hospital for 6 weeks beforehand, they induced him and after a 36 hour labour I gave birth (they gave me an epidural, but put it in the wrong place and so it didn't work therefore a drug-free delivery not out of choice). After the birth I had an emergency operation and was in intensive care for 3 days - and guess what? My husband, who was present at the birth went around telling everyone that having children was so easy, he said it was just like growing runner beans!!

Before you panic, my other 3 children popped out easily - see earlier postings.

MY GOD! The truth is really coming out now, no pussy footing around here! hahahaha but don't worry, I haven't passed out through the shock of reading the latest batch of postings, in fact I'm eating my lunch - my sympathies to all. The things we women have to go through eh?!
Would any one recommend a caesarean? A woman who works in my company has recently left to have her second child, whom she is having by caesarean section like her first, and she says it's better. Frankly after reading some of these postings I'm begining to think she has a point!