h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You can't ride 2 horses with only one a$$!

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I know... that's why it takes me back (inevitably to the big-and-dumb kid who thought it was funny to use his nails for the pinch and draw blood and then punch you so hard you fell over).

All Day I Dream About Sex ADIDAS

"Pinch Punch First of the Month "

usually followed by

"Hit and a kick for being so quick"

(also called revenge)

True and the white rabbit bit......... it is said if you see a live white rabbit today you will have a lucky month.

and if you see a dead white rabbit it will be an unlucky day - for the rabbit.

LOL BUT not for the farmer if the rabbit nibbled his carrots

In a book I've just finished, one of the characters asks an irrelevent question, the only answer to which could be "So what?", the other character responds by asking "yeah, and what if fish had t*ts?". Made me chuckle

Colder than a witches

Don't write cheques you can't cash.

'Brass monkey weather'

trouble is people are so uptight a ducks arse lets in more water

Thick as a brick

I may have just made that up.

"It's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick" (can also be pointy stick).

Usually said with typical Australian understatement.

Clear as mud

Milla

One that I heard a couple of years ago, and now use use in birthday cards -

'Another year more, another year less....'

BCNU - Crescent

Another day, another dollar.


Which is far too literal these days

"Twas dark as a bag" - from a story written by my Grandad.

"She looked like the east end of a west bound cow"

"She was flirting with me all evening, but I wasn't interested because she looked like a monkfish" - one of my old housemates.

I've heard the visit of a Minister to my (government) offices being described as being 'as welcome as a sick sandwich'.

'Better than a kick in the teeth'
'Bent as a 9 bob note'
'Straight as a Roman Road'