h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've brought my own bag!

it better be a binbag, the other assistants might get worried

*reaches the front of the queue and moves back to the back of the queue

nor money back
nor special offers
no I don;t want you to pack it for me either.

Whatever happened to going into a shop, picking up the goods you want, going to the checkout and paying them good old fashioned cash?

So much faster / simpler / easier.

*chooses most attractive looking cashier and stands in the queue for her checkout*

'Would you like us to pack that for you?'
'There is 12 bottles of beer, a loaf of bread and some cheese, I'm sure I could just about handle that thank you.'
'how would you like to pay?'
'What would you prefer, bartering, potatos, Euros, American dollars, or the more traditional, yet strangely boring, UK Pounds sterling.'
'Do you have one of our collect points store card things?'
'no, don't want one either.'
'Excuess me, can I just* buy this weekly shop?'
'Why certainly sir, how would you like to pay for that?, do you have a store card? do you have a points card? Do you have a super MKII store card combined with double point award petrol voucher scheme, which, because you get your electricity, gas, petrol, grocerys, life insurance, car insurance, pet insurance, house contents insurance, building insurance, holiday insurance, banking and car loan, and house mortgage, and mobile phone and clothes from here, gives you special double points on selected items from the 'healthy eating', 'perfect balance', and 'everyday' colections, excluding speciic items not availible in the morning?'.
'no.'

*sharpens knife*
Ready for the 'Im only buying half a carrot but I'm still going to talk to the cashier for 15mins because I come here everyday for my half a carrot and I don;t give a stuff about inconveniencing anyone else' type people.

*the halibut jumps into someones shopping trolley...

Hay! Wats this? its like reverse people taking stuff out of your trolley cause they can't be bothred to find it on the shelves, someone put this in my basket! I didn't even want this kind of ... *rejoins back of queue

*steps around the "WARNING! wet surface" sign with the little dude slipping*

*skates across the 'danger wet floor' area Weeeeee! *collides with a stack of bread

saturday job kid gives 2legs dirty look and storms off into break room.

*buys more ham slices*

*goes hunting out the picori and samosas and cheese *changes mind and chases Saturday boy into room

are there settee's in there? *peaks round corner*

Yep, sure are *relaxing back in the 'break room' ordering the 'Saturday boy' to go get items from all about the shop come in, there is a coffee machine too

oooooOOOoooOOhhhHH please! *looks at funny pics of people on fridge door*

, *sets fire to teh curtains

*Big Boss Bloke walks in* *points at saturday kid* he did it!
*knocks over coffee table* He did that too!

*punches big boxx guy in the nose and rips off his 'name badge'
'Hay, the saturday kid just hit you maan'

*notices staff nickin custard creams out of corner of eye*