h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You would not believe the number of people who thought that the bookstore was a library. The cashiers, price-stickers, big SALE signs, etc., weren't big enough clues. You will see why when you read this actual conversation.

She: "Hi, Where do you keep your newspapers. Most libraries have newspapers that you can read".

I: "Well, we aren't a library."

She: "Which part is the library."

I: "None of this building is a library. We are a bookstore."

She (looking hopefully up the escalator): "Well, the upstairs is a library."

I: "No, the entire store is a store. The library is about 10 blocks away. We are a bookstore."

She: "My friend said you're a library" (as if that THAT would make it a library).

I: "Well, your friend is mistaken. This is a bookstore. That is why we have pricetags on the books, cashiers, and signs with prices on them."

She: "So, can I get a library card here?."

I: "No. You have to go to a library to get a card. You have to buy our books."

She to her friend who has just joined us: "We have to go to the other library to read the paper. This library doesn't have any."

Her friend: "Did you ask about the library card?".....

Were either of them native French speakers by any chance? The French word for bookstore is "librairie". In fact, my French<->English dictionary has a cautionary note for the entry for librairie indicating "librairie<>library".

Cheers!

Here's one that always makes me smile...

*Following an enquiry about a cd that we don't have in stock*

"Well, do you know who else might have it?"

And my stock (no pun intended ) reply is

"Any of the other dozen or so cd stores in town *may* have a copy of it in stock, but I'm not intimate with their inventory - you'll have to ask them."

Which reminds me...

::RIIIIIIIING::

"Hello, Super Whizzo Discs, Gosho speaking"
"Yeah... you buy cd's, right?"
"Right"
"Do you take scratched cd's?"
"Yes we do" *Already getting a feeling about this one*
"Ok, I've got some scratched cd's. Can I bring them in and exchange them for clean ones?"
"Er, how do you mean?"
"I've got scratched copies of cd's, like Missy Elliott. Can I give it you and get one that's not scratched?"
"No, *trying to stifle a * it doesn't work that way - you bring in your cd's, we'll make you a cash offer, and you can either take the cash or use it against cd's you want to buy."
"So what do you give for scratched cd's?"
"We don't pay more than 25 cents for a cd if it's scratched."
"That's not much "
"No it isn't."
::PAUSE::
"Do you buy scratched DVD's too?"
"Yes we do, and we pay a max of $1 for them."
"But they skip"
"I believe they do"
"Why do people buy movies that skip?"
"I don't know, you'd have to ask them, not me"
"Heh"
::PAUSE::
*Click*

Don't these people know that they're the customers we bitch/laugh/ about after work? I think I'm gonna write down the url of this thread and hand it to everyone who merits a mention in it.

Thanks for the laughs guys,some people are just so........

Nope... always it was the Anglos who made that error.

Librairie is bookstore and bibliotheque is library. Go figure....

I came across tons of great pages with true stories from Librarians. Here are just a few of the must-reads!:

http://www.laughinglibrarian.com/linkreal.htm
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Parthenon/2776/
[Unsuitable link removed by Moderator][Broken link removed by Moderator]

"Unshelved" a library comic strip: http://www.overduemedia.com/

We had people who would call to see if we had such-and-such a book and wehen we didn't actually expected us to call all our other branches AND other bookstores in town for them... "Ummmm...NO!"

People who would try to bring books back with no recceipt or not in the best condition, or that they had read from cover to cover were one thing. We even had people who were "serial returners". In other words, bought one book, read it, returned it, exchanged it for another, read it, returned it.... etc., etc.

The best was the guy who brought several computer books, say 2nd editions, and wanted to exchange them for the newest edition which was the 5th edition... When asked why he wanted to exchange them he answered "I bought these a couple of years ago and they are all out of date."

And then he started screaming "What kind of ^%#$ing business is this?" and threatened to take us to court.

People who came to the Special Order Desk. "I ordered a book last 2 months ago and I haven't been called yet."

You would pull up their order and discover that they had ordered their book on Friday June the 3rd and today was Monday June the 6th...

"Ummm... I see from your order that you ordered this on Friday. Books do take between 4 and 6 weeks to come in."

"Is it in yet?"

"No... it won't be in for another oooo 4-6 weeks."

"So, it isn't in yet? (while looking hopefully at the shelves behind.)

"Well, since you ordered this on Friday evening and the Publishers are closed on weekends, your order would only have arrived to them this morning. That leaves about ummmmmm... 4-6 weeks before your order can be expected to arrive..."

"So will you call when it comes in?"

"Yes, we call as soon as we get the order in."

"So how long will it be?"

Unfortunately beating the customer to death with the nearest heavy object is frowned upon.....

Because we're a used cd store we have to have a return policy - we buy and sell cd's in all conditions, and if you get your cd home only to find that it skips on your favourite song, well you should be able to bring it back. Our scratched cd's are also marked as such, and are much cheaper than clean discs. Fair enough.

Thing is, now that so many people have cd burners, we had a number of customers who would buy a bunch of cd's, take them home, burn them, then come back and exchange them for more cd's, which they took home, burned, and so on and so forth. It got to the point where one bloke was coming in three times a day with up to five cd's at time. We had to point out to him and all the others that we're a business not a library, and if they want to bring back cd's, our new exchange policy is that they can only exchange one cd per receipt, and they can't exchange an exchange - in other words, if the receipt already has a returned item on it, they can't exchange the cd they already exchanged... unless it skips of course.

And by the way people, almost every time that you take merchandise back to a shop for exchange, credit, or refund... YOU NEED THE F&*%$#G RECEIPT!!!!! Not your credit card slip, the till (register) receipt.

When I worked at the art supply store we had a return policy for regular things that people bought.... with a receipt within 15 days, unless at Christmas in which case 15 days after Christmas. Still, we were somewhat lenient... if it was in good condition and the person was nice about it, and if it was not something we would never sell again, in the interest of good will we would.

We also had a stiffer return policy on portfolios. It must be returned within 1 week WITH receipt, no exceptions (except of course for Xmas which was longer).

One morning in May, first thing in the morning, a woman comes into the store. She had gotten this portfolio as a gift from her son, didn't have the receipt, but wanted to exchange it for something else. She thought perhaps it was at our store in the West End, but wanted to know if we could exchange it at our store. She said she understood if we couldn't and was willing to take it to the other store if we couldn't.

At this point we checked the ones we had in stock and it was not a brand we had ever carried, but often the different branches got different stock so we looked it up on the computer. Nothing seemed to match the one we had. So we called the other store, but they didn't know off hand what the price was.

She thought that this was unreasonable. She had gotten this as a CHRISTMAS GIFT (remember that this was MAY!) and how was she to know that it was going to be this difficult to return it. The return policy (In large letters on signs in at least 3 places on or about the cash area as well as where the portfolios were displayed.

At that point we suggested that she check with her son about which store he bought it. This didn't sit well with her. So we said that without a price, we couldn't exchange the portfolio and that she should take it to the other store. They might be able to track down the price.

Now her voice began to rise and she started getting nasty with the assistant manager. The other clerk and myself came over to the cash to try and reason with her and make suggestions. This she decided was "ganging up on her". I said that we had been more than reasonable with her and that she was now being abusive. If she had a problem with the policy, she should call the owner, whose name she was given, and complain to him.

Soon she was screaming at the assistant manager who had to leave the floor. At this point, I escorted her to the door and locked it behind her.

Later that day, the owner called and gave us hell for giving her his name....

Here is a terrific site for restaurant and bars servers:
http://www.bitterwaitress.com/

It's amazing how many people just don't understand basic human nature. You walk into a shop. There are living, breathing human beings behind the counter, and despite all our customer service training, if you behave like an a***hole, do you really think you're going to get good service from us Do you really think we're going to give you a good price for your cd's if you treat us like s**t Do you really think that you're going to be welcomed back to the store with open arms if you abuse the staff What the hell is going on in the collective mind of those people

Gosho, I'm afraid the key mistake you're making is attributing the "problem customer" with the ability to think rationally. Those of us who deal regularly with the public really should know better!

Oh yeah, and real life isn't like the movies - in the movies, Adam Sandler shouts "Will somebody get this kid a Happy Meal!!!" and the staff jump to it.

In real life, you shout at someone like that all you do is either make them or make them

Yeah, I know that WR, it still doesn't make any sense to me though. Those people are the same species as me, they're capable of higher thinking, just as I am, they were most likely brought up by their parents and teachers to treat people well, just as I was.

What happened?

Some people just seem to switch off their brains (and sense of fairness) when they walk out their own front doors. I don't understand it myself.

There are two instances, IMHO, when people switch off their brain - when they walk into a shop and when they get behind the wheel of a car... but that's a whole nother thread

Oh, my God! Don't get me started on "people behind the wheel"!

Years ago, in another life, I used to work as a hotel receptionist. We had a way of dealing with arrogant, abusive business types. In those days, it wasn't possible to dial out direct from the phone in your hotel room - they had to phone reception and ask us to put a call through for them - ie we dialled the number they gave us and then connected the call to their room.

If we wanted to 'get even' with Mr Nasty, we didn't bother trying the call but just kept ringing the room every 5 minutes or so, saying sweetly "I'm very sorry sir, all lines to Birmingham (or whatever) are engaged at the moment. Would you like me to keep trying for you?"
We couldn't say the number he wanted was engaged because that could be checked - but the main phone lines south were often engaged. We did eventually connect them when we thought they'd had enough!

We used to play a game with nasty customers. The more rude and abusive they were, the nicer we got. They just didn't understand it at all!
As an old boss of mine used to say, "Don't get in the mud and wrestle with the pigs - you'll never win."

My sister used to work in a restaurant in her student days and still remembers the story a chef told her about a regular customer who was unfailingly rude to the waiting staff. Goodness knows why he kept going back if there was so much to complain about!
One day, he sent back a dish of mashed potato to the kitchen because it 'wasn't decorated properly'. The chef took his denture out of his mouth and used it to make patterns in the top of the dish of mash. The waiter then took it back to Mr Grumpy - who ate the lot!
It doesn't pay to be rude to catering people!

And then there were the men who asked for massages with a wink. When I said I wasn't qualified, they would say 'I'm sure you are very good though' wink. I then tried the tactic of asking who would be looking after the shop whilst I was in the back room, they would suggest I could lock the doors.

Then I would remind them I owned a shop and needed to make money to pay the bills, which is why I hired in massage etc and didn't do it myself, as someone still had to take money!

I always stayed polite, cause I didn't want to put them off buying anything!

When I was working the helpdesk for an ISP, I had to help people reconfigure their e-mail settings after a group of smaller companies were bought by the one I was working for. The ISP is a domestic one, and the customers are mostly families and such, but occasionally you'd get an absolute eejit on the phone.

Me: Good morning, ******* migration support, Kathryn speaking, how can I help you?

Eejit: Apparently you can make my e-mail work.

Me: I can try sir, are you in front of your pc at the minute?

Eejit: Of course I am, I'm working, and you're wasting my time and money by asking stupid questions.


And so on, you'd be surprised how many people run businesses off a domestic dial up account. They also get really irritated when you point out that they're in breach of their t&c's and start getting abusive.

Remembered another one from working in the clothes shop. Arrogant shoplifters We know a lot of the local shoplifters by sight, and we just stick to them like glue if they come instore, being ever so polite and offering help etc. until they go away. Once however we were very busy and couldn't keep an eye on the entire store and serve everyone. There were four people on the floor, two onthe cash desk ad one on fitting room. The other poor soul had to try to keep herself rotating about the rest of the store helping out and tidying.

I was on cash desk with the boss, I was wrapping. We get a lady with a return, no reciept but it's faulty. I don't know if many know this, but in the UK, if a product is faulty you are entitled to a refund even if you do not have the receipt, and you can have the refund in cash as well. The problem with this refund is that it's a suede jacket and skirt. Something like £200 worth of goods. Our store was the only store in the area selling these garments, and we knew that we hadn't sold any, but there was a chance that she could have bought it elsewhere in the country. We offered an exchange first, and she said if we had that size it was fine. I knew we only had one of each size in, but as we hadn't sold any I thought we'd be fine. But no, that particular size was missing. I checked the fitting room to see if it was being tried on, it wasn't. I checked the hold rail to see if it has been put away, nope. I even trolled up to the stock room to see if it had been put away. It hadn't. So we offer to get her a replacement. She says she really wanted to have it for the weekend. Not much chance of that happening then, so we offer her a refund. She says that would be great, and she paid cash. And we had to pay up. And she was grinning. We double checked the records, and we had not sold the items, but the trauma is that this happens quite a lot... But we still don't get tagging

If you're try to be nice with an angry customer, you get accused of patronising them...

Queegle