h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I think the reason that the charity tea went so well is in the very fact that it was a *charity*. People who go to such events tend to be the kind who are feeling generous, and along with that generosity comes a sense of "wanting to contribute, and isn't it nice that we can have a little fun doing it, but really, even if we weren't getting something out of it, we'd contribute anyway because we believe it's a worthy cause". I know that's not true all the time, but a charity event does tend to attract a different group of people than the ones who come in expecting their money's worth, or else.

That website is priceless. I especially like the 'You are a walking HR violation' letter.

I love these stories!
I work in a supermarket which is in a bit of a dodgy area, so we get our fare share of weirdos (like the well dressed, well spoken man whose fingernails have grown so long that they are starting to curl and look like claws, and the man who seems to do Tai Chi while waiting in the queue) and winos.
But the other day I got one of my weirdest customers yet. I was on one of the aisles when a woman ran up to me and was very frantic because a glass bottle of vegetable oil had broken open inside her bag. She seemed to be of a very nervous disposition and the incident had seemed to upset her very much, as she hated to cause a fuss. The few other items in the bag were ruined, so I went around the shop with her to pick up replacements. She was really upset and on the verge of tears as we got to the shelves where the oils are kept. I was standing behind her when suddenly I heard a very distinct "meow" noise. This struck me as odd since we do not sell cats in the shop! Then a couple of seconds later, another short, sharp, "meow" emerged from the vicinity of this woman. It sounded so much like a cat in distress that I began to think that she had a cat in her backpack, but I could not see any movement. I looked at her, and she was almost crying so I went to the shelf to try and find the right size and type of oil that she had broken, and I turned to ask her if this was the right one, when another meow came out that she quickly tried to stifle by covering her mouth. I just stared at her but she was looking at me with this pleding look as if to say "Please ignore the fact that I have just meowed like a cat, and continue to talk to me like I'm not a nutcase!" This poor woman apparently meows when she is upset or stressed out! I gave her the rest of her items, and she went on her way.

Hi,
The backlog was too long to read all of it, espesially as HooToo is running vveeerrrryyyyy sssslllooooowwwww, so apologies.
I used to work in a very old-fashioned Gents/School Outfitters in Kent, very Victorian and 'are you being served'ish.
An elderly guy came in asking if we did Supports for his wife, to which my reply was that we were a Gents Outfitters.
He then asked again a bit louder, so I assumed he was hard of hearing, and again repeated 'no we don't sell them. Have you tried Boots?'......A Chemist chain in England.
At this he ranted "It's her in' back not her in' feet!!!!"
Some people just can't be helped.
In 30 years I have a whole range from that store, through Casino work to 16 years in a Major Department store group here in the UK. I'll drop the odd one in every now and then....Don't want to spoil you!!!!

Oh! Please, please, spoil us! There can never be enough stories!

I related a story quite some time ago about the German gent who came into our bookstore and asked "Do you haff Trrrouserrrrs?".

I thought he was asking a personal question of me (are you wearing pants?) mostly because I couldn't believe that someone would ask such a thing in a bookstore.... No, in fact, he was looking for trousers.

I said "No, we are a bookstore!"

"Sooo, you haff no trrrouserrrs?" Still looking hopefully up the escalator....

"Nope, but you might want to try the department store next door... I believe they would carry trousers." I resisted the temptation to say "trrrrouserrrs".

Ahhhh.... the Deutchestouristfolkken. They are generally visiting in the late summer early fall.

Re: the "Cat-woman"... she likely has Tourette Syndrome. Not as common in women as in men as it is linked to the angrogen hormone.

http://www.lifesatwitch.com/
http://www.michaelwolff.com/ (amazing musician with Tourette)

Dr. Oliver Sacks, most popularily known as having been the inspiration for Robin Williams' character in the film "Awakenings". Dr. Sacks is a brilliant neurologist who has written a host of books on a variety of subjects, and was lived across the street from me on City Island in New York. http://www.oliversacks.com/index.htm

Sorry to anyone who has popped in hoping for another great story - this is just another bookmark.
What a great thread this is!

Ok, picture the scene...

A ** family hotel in the English Lake District...

The middle of a bank holiday weekend... (hotel and bars are packed)

The reception desk, the manager (a frenchman, and myself on duty)

A huge BMW pulls up outside the hotel, out steps an extremely expensively dressed couple...

Man comes up to the reception desk, "Give me your best double room for the night". The manager replies, "I'm afraid we're very full at the moment, I'll show you what you have available" and takes them up to see our two remaining rooms...
"No, this won't do at all, your brochure shows that you have some four-poster deluxe rooms, I want one of those", says the man... the manager patiently explains that as it's a bank-holiday weekend that the rooms in question have all been booked in advance.

"Well, I suppose that the room you have will have to do!", says the man, "have someone get our bags from the car and have them park it in the carpark... I presume you do have secure parking here?"

"Erm, sorry sir, we do have a private car park, but I'm afraid we can't drive your car for you for reasons of insurance".

At this point I'm shaking my head in disbelief and offer to take the peoples bags upstairs just to get them out of my hair".

The man mutters to himself and goes to park the car, his wife follows me up the stairs to the first floor, complaining about the lack of a lift...

Meanwhile I explain what time dinner is served, repeating myself once the man comes back...

2 hours later, the couple come down for dinner, ten minutes after the restaurant has officially finished taking orders (as noted in all the rooms)...

The restaurant is full of people eating, there is one remaining table free, to which the waitress shows the couple...

"This isn't good enough, I want that table over there!, the man says, pointing to a table where a husband and wife are just tucking into their main courses".

"I'm afraid that won't be possible." says the waitress, "this is the only table likely to be free for some time, and if you wait for another table to come free the chef will have already left by the time you're ready to order".

"This is just not good enough! Fetch me the manager"...

Manager enters, stands through a torrent of abuse in the middle of his own restaurant and then calmly says "excuse me two minutes sir", walks back into reception, takes a master key, walks upstairs and comes back down carrying the couples bags, which he deposits outside the front door of the hotel (in full view of the restaurant), turns to the man and says, "This is a two-star hotel, you are obviously wanting a five-star hotel, I can see you won't be happy here so I suggest you leave.... NOW!!! BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU FORCIBLY EJECTED!!!"

Couple then leave, being directed to a four star hotel around 20 miles away (which was bound to be full on a bank holiday weekend) and manager gets a standing ovation from the diners in the restaurant and the staff


And that's a true story!

Hooray for French managers. Another victory for decency and commonsense. I hope they spent an uncomfortable night in their car!

Ahhh, if only I had attained the rank of manager in any of the establishments where I was "blessed" with working with the public.

I worked in an apartment hotel during college. When I first started, it was basically a modern apartment building that had hotel-type furnishings and catered to businessmen and tourists. No restaurant, no frills, no one on duty on the desk overnight.

Then they started renouvating and turning it into a "business hotel". Somewhat posher with bachelor to 3 bedroom apartments, all with kitchenette or kitchen.

I started off as houskeeper (maid) and then became the "weekend supervisor"... basically, that meant I oversaw the housekeepers and did the laundry.

We had a couple of Vietnamese kids who started about the same time I did and some others who came and went over my time there. However, since I was the supervisor, I usually stepped in to take care of the "difficult" guests. As a result, I got to meet every stripe of guest.

We had one crazy lady who would corner the girl cleaning her room and rattle on and on about some looney theory or other. She finally said she wouldn't do her room after the woman said "I have no hair on my body" and pulled up her housedress to demonstrate that, indeed, she did not. She was finally asked to leave after she stood out on the balcony in the nude one afternoon.

There were the pair of hookers who were turning tricks in their room. I took over from the girl doing their room after they complained that the room was a disaster day andfter day. I knocked on the door and went in. The bed, stripped of covers was covered with nailpolish and lipstick and other indescribables and every single towel and washcloth was on the bathroom floor which was 1/2" deep in water. I the cleaned the bathroom and made bed and, as soon as I tucked the cover in, one of them ripped all the covers off, sneared at me and threw the covers in the corner. They were asked to leave about 6 minutes after I made it downstairs and informend the manager.

There was the "Panamanian Drug-dealer" who seemed to sleep all day and was out all night and never let us go in to clean the room. One day, after the girl knocked and got no ansewr, she let herself in, to find him lying nude and ummmm well, excited.... He was gone in short order. However, when I went to clean his room, I opened the freezer and found the thing filled with a huge pool of blood.... I was, needless to say, horrified.

We had the Chinese Olympic Committee in town and they were lovely. They were polite and left everyone Olympic pinc and other souveniers. They also left a huge pile of things like Chinese noodles, tea, spices, and cans of mushrooms, fruit, and other things, all unopened. Since I was the only person who would touch the stuff, I reaped the bounty..... That was terrific.

There was the family from somewhere south of the Equator who were unused to the amenities of modern living and the children used the balcony for their toilette, so to speak.

Ahhhh, the memories.....

eeuurrggghhhh.

that's gross.

but thanx for sharing!

xx

We have a lottery terminal in our store, and from time to time it decides it's had enough and crashes down, usually on a day after a draw, when everyone wants to claim their £10 jackpots. It ont come back awake until someone from Camelot has come round to have a stern word with it. Until then, we put up a nice big sign saying "Sorry, no lottery - terminl down".

So this particular day, a man strides in and slams a lottery ticket on the counter, announcing "Theres £10 on that one".
"Im sorry" I reply, "The lottery terminal is down at the moment".
"WHAT?! You were quick enough taking my money from me yesterday when I bought the *^&%*$ ticket, and now you dont want to give me what I've won!"
Of course this is where the magic wand that many customers assume we have would come in handy, I'll just wave it for you Sir and fix the machine!
So I said "I would be very happy to give you your money if the machine was working..."
"This is ridiculus blah blah blah.." and he storms out muttering and swearing.

I would understand his frustration if this was the only lottery terminal in a 10 mile radius (though it still wouldnt warrant having a go at the cashier), but this was on a high street where there are probably half a dozen other shops with lottery terminals!

Thanks for that wonderful story Whisky I wish more managers would hold good manners above the bottom line and tell people like that d*ckhead to sling their hook.

You've gotta feel a litle sorry for the staff at the place where he eventually found a room though - I bet he made their life hell

The irony is, that usually these, as you so deliately and appropriately termed them, d!ckheads is that when someone passes along the warning or someone higher-up is summoned to deal with them, they are the sweetest person in the world.... which only makes you look like the a$$hole in the equation...

Thank goodness the manager has the courage to deal swiftly and firmly, and publicly enough with them. Too often, they are given coupons or perks so they can come back in the futre to be even worsr "customers".

Quite so Mudhooks . However, Whisky's story shows the benefit of having a manager who is 'on the floor' and who experienced first hand what the staff had to put up with. Normally it can only work in small establishments, and usually in owner-run places... but not always.

I used to work in a pub owned by the second largest brewing company in the UK, who have a typical large company management structure, and typical large company attitudes toward its frontline staff (even its pub managers) - ie, they're expendable in the face of an angry customer. My manager (Andy) told me about a bloke who came in one day and behaved like a ::AHEM:: d*ckhead, and who made all kinds of threats about how he was a shareholder and how he was going to go to the top and see to it that Andy was fired.

About a week later Andy had his regular visit from the area manager, who mentioned this bloke's complaint. Andy explained to the A.M. what had happened, and what with Andy and his wife being two of the best managers the A.M. had in his area, and what with the A.M. being a decent bloke, the complaint was seen for what it was - utterly unreasonable, and Andy kept his job without a mark on his record.

Thing is, this bloke kept coming into the pub, and Andy told me that every time he saw him walk in the door, he'd give the d*ckhead a little wave and say "Still here"

Excellent.

to the nasty customer

with the wee cloth that came with my new glasses

To get back to the credit card signatuer thing, I had two more of them yesterday.

The first was... at a conservative estimate in her late 50s, and claimed not to know that she was supposed to sign her card. How long has she been using one?

The second was somewhat younger - probably thirty something - and said that he had been unable to sign his card with any pen but he'd have a crack at it with one of ours... whereupon he attempted to sign the magnetic strip, completely ignoring the bit you're meant to sigh

Good Gravy!

I was in the grocery store today and passed this cart where some woman had left her purse sitting unattended in the basket. I cannot believe women are so stupid..... All it requires is someone walking by to grab your purse while you peruse the choice of cereals.

There are actually gangs that target grocery stores and take purses. And yet, you would not believe the number of women who look at you like you are insane for telling them that they shouldn't leave their purses unattended in the cart.

I have no resorted to telling them that I "know someone who works in the store who told me that they have had a number of purses stolen from carts". For some reason this actually gets a positive reaction.

I did the same today and she thanked me. "It never occurred to me", she said.

Mudhooks - I have nearly resorted to something of that ilk when seeing people doing the following:

Putting small children in the front passenger seat of a car - with no seat belt.
Allowing children to be carried in the back of the car unrestrained - especially when they hang on their arms between the front seats.
Sitting in the front passenger seat with seat belt on but with small child on their lap.

These scenarios of ignorance and stupidity are widespread and manifold.
Do these people never read their Highway Code or watch any television? Have they never heard of crash-test dummies or watched any of the filmed research that shows how devastating a collision at 30 MPH can be?
Would they put a box of good china on the back seat without a thought?

I've often contemplated telling them I work in an A&E department and we've had a recent RTA tragedy involving a small child. But I'm no good at fibs and would be waiting for someone to arrest me for 'impersonation'.