h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Strange question Mr D"

Nah, I was just commenting on the fact I mostly see you posting here!

"Quite right, anything else would be off topic."

You know this is h2g2 right? Topic drift is a way of life. We'll have none of this 'on topic' nonsense here thank you very much!

"I suspect the tongue in cheek approach, just like irony doesn't travel across the Atlantic too well."

Unless the Atlantic has shifted and got smaller I am very much on the same side of it has he is!

The moral of the story? Go to the Isle of Wight, not Newcastle

<BB<

But at least he didn't stab you.

And I think he was probably demonstrating the lack of anything in his head too.

PP.

"If you point your fingers up or offer me your hand palm down, or up, I don't know what you are going to do and I don't know what I have to do."

That's another kind of power handshake, I think - instead of being overly firm to demonstrate dominance, a person X will hold their hand in an odd position, eg palm down, and if the other person Y presents their hand eg palm up, then Y is submitting. If Y presents their hand in the standard position and X moves their hand from palm down to standard position, then Y is dominant.

My PH in terms of handshakes is that as I'm relatively short, people often approach my hand from above, and it is more than once that someone has managed to envelop my thumb in their hand as well as my fingers, so I just have to pretend everything is fine and hope the handshake doesn't last too long... I do like a handshake in general, though - pleasantly social without too much invasion of personal space

You live in Swindon don't you Mr D? You need all the laughs you can get, I'm pleased to here you find my postings so stimulating. keep reading.

Well, I don't know if I am lucky, or just a hermit, because I don't meet a lot of people, so the choice of greeting, whether a hand shake or a kiss, doesn't occur very often.

It's taken a while, but I'm slowly getting used to living alone these days, I think the secret is keeping myself busy, and not to dwell on it.

Smudger.

"Because it is a rather nice social convention that can establish the basis of a relationship in 'shorthand'."


Hey man, this is the place for petty hates and that's a petty hate of mine. All of the above confusion and nonsense can be avoided by simply not doing it.

I'd much rather shake hands than have all sorts of people kissing hello. It's so confusing when all our reps are in for a conference and they all come in to the office and hug you - the Dutch insist on 3 kisses, left cheek first, the Swiss are equally extravagant and tell you off if you stop at two, and it usually goes hand-in-hand (pun intended) with a handshake and it's just plain awkward doing it with burly Yorkshiremen. The Austrians are all gush and silly jokes, the Irish are more sincere and don't make you feel uncomfortable, the French are more formal, the Germans don't bother with me as I'm only involved in export, and the Belgians are very friendly, but don't do an awful lot of kissing. (Shame, our Belgian rep is gorgeous )

Next time there's a h2g2 meet-up I'll have to prepare a list of who wants/expects either a kiss and/or hug, firm handshake, gentle handshake, and no handshake or invasion of personal space.

<BB<

If ever there's a h2g2 meet in the Midlands and I actually go, l don't want a hug or a kiss. A brief, firm handshake is fine, or you can just say hello and leave it at that.

I prefer neither handshake nor hug/kiss. A brief nod, smile, hello is quite sufficient.

I am terribly inconsistent. To the point where I annoy myself. Sometimes I don't even want to shake hands, just look in the general direction of people and smile awkwardly, and sometimes I go big hug on people I never have seen before, or barely met online. It's all determined by the current mood, circumstances, number of people I know already, and the position of Pluto relative to Mercury. Or something equally obscure. I wish I knew why I'm so inconsistent, but there we are.

The hugging as a greeting itself, I don't really mind. What can be annoying (but is also amusing), though, is the sort of hesitant will-I-won't-I manoeuvres you get, among people who don't know each other that well, or aren't sure what's expected.

So, kissing relatives - tongues?

If you knew my relatives you wouldn't have to ask.

Waiting for my tomatoes to turn red, they just mock me with their smug greenness day after day, I've warned them I'll grow spuds instead next year but they don't seem to care.

Ah! That's your mistake. Spuds are basically tomatoes, except with poisonous fruit and lovely big tasty roots. Threaten them with cabbage instead and they'll soon shape up!

Sound advice KB, but my missus threatens me with cabbage, and I couldn't do that to a defenceless tomato.

Women players in classical orchestras who wear black dresses. I tend to fall asleep in the slow movements and feel a bit of colour might help.

Waiting for tomatoes to turn red, only to have them devoured by birds at the first flush of pink.

Wrapping the fruits with white plastic bags as they approach the critical moment buys time.

It also acceletates ripening since it traps ethylene, an aromatic plant hormone which promotes ripening, and also traps heat, without much diminishing the light falling on the fruit.