h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The sight of squishy squashed back-sides leaning against glass (especially just a few inches from my face) when sitting down on an underground train. I know I'm lucky to get a seat and there's a pain of glass between us but it's very unsightly and makes me feel a bit sick

there are some who would pay lots of for that particuler "recreational activety"

people who assume that what they just said was funney

But these bottoms are covered in trousers and splattered outwards like that would make even Kylie's bum look big, shapeless and unattractive.

I like that term 'elitist conversationalist'. Did you make that up or is it a known term? Is there a term for management who think that 'subordinates' humour operates at an inferior level to their own (leading to an adjustment of their humour)?

I think I made it up .

I think that that's either elitist humour or just management comedy.

New made up implausable words, like normalcy.

Fireworks fireworks and fireworks.

I'm constantly on edge now because you never know when a 'bomb' will go off and make you jump out of your skin. You're not even safe in the middle of the night anymore.

I don't think I've ever known them be as loud as they are this year, and we're not even midway through October yet.

I know. Hey, the day ends with Y! Lets have fireworks! They're boring as well. You've got nine colours (at maximum), nine different types. Seen one you've seen them all, and yet people keep on going "Ooooh! Aaaaaah! Eeeeeeeh!" at them.

People who let young children do answer machine messages.

Answering machines. I just despise them, I'd rather just have a phone that cut out after a few rings so you knew the person wasn't gonna answer

The way when you have your mobile in your pocket it randomly dials numbers. I have called my friend several times by accent.

First time it happened, I was making scrambled eggs. All of a sudden I hear this little chirping noise. I thought one of the eggs was about to hatch! So I froze, and then started picking up eggs to see if any of them were noticeably different. In the end I worked out what it was, but it gave me a fright, let me tell you.

Yes I do know that it's impossible for eggs that you're sold to hatch, but you think different when you hear a chirping noise that appears to come from one of them.

We managed to dial 999 on the mobile. When you do this the 999 people make the phone emit a high pitched ringing noise. This is supposed to make you switch off the phone, but only resulted in an hour's worth of rushing around the house trying to find out where the noise was coming from.

not impossible,-unlikely
buying from farmers markets ,would increase chances.

True. But these are shop bought. And most people I've told have nearly died from laughing. Like when I tell them about the bloke who hurt himself by shutting his lip in a calculator.

Oh, we've all done that.

I'm constantly dialing 999 on my phone. It's very annoying. I've never heard the high pitched noise though.

I haven't. Funny as hell though.

People who laugh when you've done something stupid that really *hurts*.

People who think it's amusing to scrath sunburn - would you scratch the burn of somebody who'd put their hand in the fire? No? Then why is sunburn any different?

Sunburn. Why won't I tan?

Peole who say sickth rather than sixth. I heard it loads yesterday by news reporters explaining how Michael Schumacher had won his SICKth world championship title. One two three four five sick??? seven. Hate it.

(By the way - that phone thing. You can stop dialling things by mistake by pressing the menu option once followed by the asterisk and it locks your phone until you press the same two keys again. I think this is universal - it's certainly the way nokia phones work.)