h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The fact that many workplaces will provide TV for the World bloody Cup but won't provide TV for things like The Ashes or the Rugby World Cup.

According to Mrs. D's work "it's because football is special"

In the past week I have discovered a new and rather genuine hate.

I have been dog/house sitting for a friend, and while the sleep deprivation from not knowing how to set the video and being given a list of thing to tape, each one starting at 2am is bearable, the one thing that I could easily have lost the plot over, and did after 45minutes sleep is this.

Large dog barking directly into my ears!!! WHY?????????? There were no burglers, no fire and no emergency. Do not bark in my ear!!!!

I should point out at this point, that I love the dog dearly but could quite cheerfully have killed heron that morning... and every morning last week!

THIS DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, JUNE 2006.

Information Release.

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes: - overtaking in dangerous places: - hovering within one inch of the car in front: - stopping sharply: - speeding in residential areas: - pulling out without indication: - performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets: - under taking on motorways and: - taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads.

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport




Sorry, made me laugh. Thought it might raise a smile with you guys too.

I understand much better now!

THIS DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, JUNE 2006.

Information Release.

Medical Research has found inadequate penis size affects the quality of driving in England. The Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify sexually inadequate drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be sexually inadequate will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.


Those drivers who have exhibited particularly poor sexual skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and much smaller penis size to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport


Sorry, couldn't resist it

I must say that, in light of the high birth rate in the months of February to March '06 in the city of Liverpool (due to Liverpool FC winning something 9 months previously, I was told), it may be fair to assume that sex improves somewhat due to football.

I think this has been mentioned before, maybe even by me, but after seeing one on teevee last night, I have to reiterate my intense petty hatred for adverts that re-word well known songs in order to sell whatever product they are brandishing.

I know, as advertising the concept works - I am on here talking about it, and I can still remember a whole day after that Halifax do great mortgage deals (they were the bar stewards in question with the heinous rewording of Minnie the Moocher and they seem to be the biggest perpetrator of this style of advert) I am not saying that they do not perform their purpose, they advertise effectively, but I stand firm that these adverts are grotesques. Badly worded, badly sung, annoying and destroying another artists work in the name of financial prostitution (I even caught my son wandering around singing 'Be a Highway saver!' to the tune of Rhinestone Cowboy the other day. He couldnt help it, bless him, he'd never heard the original so he didn't know the original words and had just thought that it was a catchy little jingle made up by the advert people). It's not that I'm even a great fan of the orignal songs being raped either. It's just an intense dislike for the whole concept. It's lazy. If you want a song, a jingle, then write something new, or just use the original track as it stands. Dont just change the words of an already well known catchy little number to suit your own banal little product. It's not big and it's certainly not clever and it's certainly not imaginative. (The brainstorming concept meetings for these adverts must be excrutiating. I reckon the next one will be either a reworking of that Robbie Williams track 'I'm loving ISA's instead' or the Pet Shop Boys "Go West" rewoded as "Invest" *gnashes teeth*) Basically, I refuse, on this petty dislike alone, to never pay for anything associated with Halifax and to drop kick that speccy gurner Howerd bloke right in the Happy sacks if ever I have the misfortune to cross his path.

*...and breath and relax*

<>

Actually it was the Village People who first did it, but I digress... Go West has already been redone as Go East for the last lot of Sharwood's ads.

Sharwoods Ads?!? see, the concept is contagious, and it's dangerous. Soon you won't be able to turn on your teevee without being bombarded by camp remakes of pop chart hits selling everything and anything.

Oh, and not forgetting the Gala Bingo ads as well...

I think it always healthier to forget the Gala bingo ads, especially when you are trying to eat.

Gala Bingo were never advertised well. The whole virgin thing... ugh. Let's complain about something else.

Err, the virgin thing was Mecca. Sorry to be picky, but I work for them.

Banks that promise to send you things in 7 working days and you are still waiting two weeks later,even after several phone calls.

Birds. Not the birds themselves, but the dust from the feathers and feathers themselves... all damn day I seem to have been walking round n circles hoovering the same damn bits!!!

Maybe you should hate hoovers?

Now, can 2legs resist that one...

Oh yeah, I hate hoovers too!!! I had to unblock the damn thing about three times and after taking it apart twice, I gave up and used a dustpan and brush!

"Live like a star for the day"

"Rub shoulders with the stars"

"You can live like Peter and Jordan for the day"

I hate stuff like that it makes me want to vomit.

Newspapers that fill the front page with a big photo followed by a couple of lines of script,then,......full story on page 7.Why can't i just turn the page and carry on reading?Being a bitor should i say senile,i turn to page 7,carry on reading,then think to myself,there wasn't much in the paper today.