h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have a frog in my throat
You need a tissue?
He makes me feel sick, coughing like that

I queue for the buffet.


YOU wait, paper plate in one hand,
plastic cutlery in the other, for your
turn to be loaded up with four bean salad,
potato salad, garden salad and slices
of mushroom and tomato. And finally
a half a char-broiled chicken that
challenges the strength of the platter
and your coordination
until you get it sat down on a table
where it defies your plastic fork
and denies your plastic knife;
so you set them aside and grab the chicken
in your hands and munch down like Henry VIII,
smacking your lips to create a cloud of
personal olfactory joy
while grease dribbles down your grin.
Now that's BBQ.


THEY line up for the soup kitchen,
in the rain. Hours before it opens
to ensure they get a share of the best
before it's gone.


~jwf~

I hate queueing for food and will do a lot to avoid having to.

I have offshore holdings.

You are tax efficient.

She is a workshy benefits scrounger.

I like things tidy

You are very organised

He is completely OCD

Yes, I often tend to stand out in a crowd.

You're a bit of a show-off.

He's always making a spectacle of himself.

Thanks to Tumsup for this inspiration.



I have strongly independent original ideas.

You have your own way of seeing things.

He has idiosyncracies.


~jwf~

I have a unique perspective

You have an interesting opinion

He's full of ****

He's flogging a dead horse.

Oh you're not gonna drag out that old pony again are you.

I administer corporal equine discipline posthumously, as required.


~jwf~

I perceive and reflect the whirled thru a prism of good-natured irony.


Are you aware how harsh your cynicism sounds?


He thinks he's witty because nothing escapes his bitter sarcasm.




~jwf~

He uses pornography and abuses himself.

You pleasure yourself with erotica.

I, I... I don't wanna talk about it.


~jwf~

I suffer from lactose intolerance.

You are passing gas.

They fart (and smell as if a rat crawled up their @$$ and died).

Y.

I remain optimistic of a positive outcome.

You hope, with fingers crossed.

They pray.

1. I have a broad perspectivehttp://www.h2g2.com/h2g2/skins/brunel/images/buttons/smiley.gif
2. You look at the contexthttp://www.h2g2.com/h2g2/skins/brunel/images/buttons/erm.gif
3. He is a narrow minded fanatic!http://www.h2g2.com/h2g2/skins/brunel/images/buttons/wah.gif

I should probably endeavour to integrate more socialisation
into my schedule.

You oughta get out more.

He is a hermit. She is lonely.
They hide away in their little boxes.

I am steadfast, trustworthy and reliable.

You can be counted upon.

They are predictable.


-jwf-

He's a stalker.

You're a love-sick puppy.

I follow my heart.

I believe in the Lord and obey the Word.

You are free to worship any god you like
so long as your doctrines do not violate
local civil or criminal laws.

He's a zealot.
She's an Atheist.
They serve a non-existent deity and use his
commandments to justify their aberrant and
abhorrent behaviours.

My presence radiates.

You have a certain air about you.

He stinks.