h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It was a combination of all the names together, like you would connect Eddie, Michael, Ryan and James into Emicryajamies.... sort of.

A friend of mine went into a newsagent to buy a half-ounce of tobacco. The classy-looking customer in front of him at the counter dropped a Silent But Deadly, and my friend struggled to keep his face impassive in the face of the choking anal fumes. When at last this customer finished his transaction, my friend said to the newsagent, "I'll have a fart ounce of Golden Virginia, please."

All three were mortified.

"My mom often get us kids' names mixed up. It is a bit odd".

I have 5 brothers and my Mum, especially if she was cross with one of us, would get flustered and say, "Come here, John, Clive, Alan, Derek, Neville... I mean Keith.


The people above who say that it is quite common for pupils to refer to teachers as Mum (or Dad) are quite right. As a teacher I can vouch for this. I've been teaching for about 12 years and I guess it's happened to me about 4 times. Don't see why it's embarrassing, though.

Regarding people asking to use the bathroom, this seems to be an American foible, and it's very irritating . Why can't they just 'call a spade a spade' and ask to use the toilet? .

Another thing I can't understand people being mortified by is losing their bikini tops in a swimming pool. Frequently one reada in magazines or sites such as this something like: "I was extremely embarrassed when I dived in at the deep end and, guess what, my bikini top FLEW RIGHT OFF, and my bf of only a few days/Dad/Mum/brother... SAW MY BOOBS!!!" (Capitalisation emulates how these events are often written)

How on earth can this be embarrassing. Images of topless women are everywhere, women sunbathe topless on the beach, I've sometimes seen completely sheer fabrics worn in the street with nothing underneath, people within families frequently move from bathroomm to bedroom naked...

This reminds me of another weird thing. Women on the beach going to enormous (and comical!) lengths to erect a towel-tent around themselves while they change their swimming costumes, when there are topless women all around. What is the sense of doing this, especially if one is a bit modest because all it does is attract a lot of attention?


There are two embarrassing things that I can recall that have happened to me.

1. In the laboratory I was pushing an electrical plug into the socket when my colleague suddenly pushed me very hard from behind (or so I thought). I turned around, remonstrating with him; but he was several feet away. I then realised I had received a hefty electrical shock.

2. The second time (also in the lab) was when I picked up and answered the the telephone in response to a ringing tone - then realised that it was my colleague's timing device that had sounded.


Just remembered a third occasion. I was at a formal scientific dinner, and was standing in a small group chatting to colleagues when a lady joined our group. We opened up to let her in. She asked who I was and I responded, then asked who she was. "Oh, I'm Lady Archer". (I had completely forgotten that she was the Guest of Honour)

Think of from the point of view of the child and the ensuing ribbng that they will get from thier mates.

Boobs. Think about what the owner of the boobs feels like and the possibility of them not walking naked from room to room at home. The woman ten feet away on the beach is the owner of a different pair of boobs with different life experiences and personal preferences.

And don't worry too much about upsetting wives of disgraced politicians. In my experience, no names no pack drill, the one that I have met, (who may or may not or then again may if you get my drift) be the same one as you encountered, is a bit "up herself". Sometimes people need to feel the ground beneath thier feet. You should not be embarrassed - she should. "Do you know who I am" should sometimes be answered in the negative.

PP

T"hink of from the point of view of the child and the ensuing ribbng that they will get from thier mates".


Well, on the occasions it's happened, it has eoither been totally ignored by their peers or their friends have merely giggled a bit, or just smiled wryly/sympathetically.(Children are usually very forgiving/understanding of each other).

Mind you, just remembered an incident which was related to me by another teacher, and is real poetic justice.

Some macho year 10 boys were having a farting competition during a maths lesson. Then the kid, who at hae time, was considered by his peers to be one of the coolest kids in the school 'followed through'

Apparently he didn't return to school for a whole week.

If you fart lumps you are in deep trouble.

PP

my biology teacher said that fart are natural

Someone once farted in class. He got given a long lecture on polite behaviour, and was put in a corner. We were 16 years old.

I remember the (very mature) Science teacher telling us in a big loud voice that "Everybody Farts! If you didn't fart you'd explode!" In my first "Big School" Science lesson!! I just knew from then on that secondary school would be a bit different from primary school..

My daughter has been wonderfully embarrassing down the years!
One of her finest moments was, aged two and a bit, informing a good freind of ours (from the other side of a busy road in a loud voice) that
"X can't have any babies Mummy, she hasn't got any Boobies, look!"
or the killer supermarket checkout toe curler..

"Mummy, I know that I am made of a swimmy seed from Daddy and an egg from you, that grew in your tummy"
I could hear a but coming even at that distance.. everyone went really quiet, proving the telepathic theory expressed in earlier postings...
Then the clincher

"How did the Swimmy Seed get into your tummy?"
I just had to draw a deep breath and answer the question!!



Thank goodness she had a sense of humour (and later 2 kids, proving noo-noo wrong!!)

Remember this:

Better to fart and smell a little
Than burst your bum and be a cripple.

>> (Children are usually very forgiving/understanding of each other). <<

Which planet is that on, RBA?

Welcome to , by the way. You may find some of our customs strange.

RF

'You may find some of our customs strange'

Yes, you could say that

The backlog of this thread makes fascinating reading

Now to think of something suitably embarrassing for me to share...

My brother told us a good one the other day..he was completely mortified poor sod!

He's a postman,and was doing his round as usual,when a little boy runs up to him shooting a toy gun, and Brother says in his best dad voice (hes got 2 boys) 'its not nice to pull faces at the postie little mate' to which the childs mother replied'actually he has bells palsy'!

Oh, my god! Your poor brother. He's probably now doing his round in silence.

Just shows that, as a rule of thumb, it's best NEVER to make personal remarks to ANYONE.


Obviously, the most well-known one is asking women when their baby is due, onlyto find out that they're naturally on the large side.

That happened to my mother once....She'd been exercising for weeks, and was finally satisfied that she looked ok. Then when she went to the supermarket, the girl at the till asked my mother when the child was due...

The first thing my mother asked me when she got home that day was if she looked pregnant...

What worried me about Post 994 is that the child was playing with a toy gun.

As a child growing up in the late 1950's/early 1960's (I had 5 brothers) my Mum would never let us have toy guns. (Although I did once buy one at a jumble sale so that I could play cowboys and Indians). I couldn't understand this at the time but, in retrospect, in this age of terrorism, it was a very enlightened attitude.

If all mothers behaved like this, then we wouldn't have had all the instances of children in Northern Ireland being shot because the security services couldn't be certain that they weren't carrying real weapons

Im not fond of my little one playing with toy guns either..

After carrying a real gun for a few years, as part of my job, I don't want my children to have any, but with some kids it seems inevitable. Especially when they have grandparents...