h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You can boast about anything if it’s all you have. Maybe the less you have, the more you are required to boast.
-John Steinbeck 'East of Eden'

My name's Aled Jones, it's all gone wrong for me.
-Bill Bailey

"Ahh thank you your tent broke my fall...

... yes but your fall broke my tent!"

[Dr Who - Skull of Sobek]

"God bless those pagans."

Homer J Simpson

*Vampire Hunter tackled by a vampire. Hunter holds up a Cross.*

Vampire: "Sorry pal, I'm an athiest."

*Blade springs out of bottom of cross and Hunter stabs the vampire in his eye.*

Hunter: "God loves you anyway."

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Mead

There are no stupid questions, but an awful lot of inquisitive idiots!!

If a man speaks in the centre of the forest, with no woman to hear him, is he wrong?

When my mates at school found out I had a nut allergy, they made me play Russian roulette with a bag of Revels...

Quentin Letts in his 'Yesterday in Parliament' column in the Daily Mail (UK) last week:

[Listening to David Blunkett, former Chancellor Kenneth Clarke, former cabinet minister Peter Lilley, and Nick Raynsford reporting to the Commons Public Administration Committee] 'sounded a bit like being lectured on tidiness by Kenn Dodd'.

The woods would be a quiet place if the only birds that sang were those that sang best.

An article in last week's Salisbury Journal reports on a book by English Heritage that is 'littered with mistakes'.

Thus in one entry, a key mythical figure at Stonehenge A9564942, Aurelius Ambrosius (believed to be the historical basis for King Arthur) was mistakenly called Aureoles Ambrosius.

In commenting on this, the magazine, British Archaeology commented,'Besides, we cannot miss a spelling error that turned a historical character into breasts and creamed rice'.

Apparently Oscar Wilde's parting words were:
"Either those curtains go or I do".
(only he didn't have the benefit of emoticons).

Quentin Crisp on housework: There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse ('The Naked Civil Servant')

Epitaph:

Reader,
If cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig four feet deep
And thou wilt find a penny.

-Does it always rain in this naffing country?

-I don't know, I'm only twenty six.

/Marian Keyes

Watermelon is a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.

Enrico Caruso

You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

'Tomorrow, she'll be making money-saving edible gifts - but for some viewers, no doubt, the sight of Nigella's prize embonpoint will be a Christmas treat in itself'. WHOARRH!

TV critic in the Daily Mail's 'Weekend' magazine, commenting on Nigella Lawson's series, 'Nigella's Christmas Kitchen'

If the earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. NORMAN R AUGUSTINE (1935-)