h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Gives Amelia a wink, then bats her eyelashes at Mr. Whipjello*

Ah was just havin' a shot of whisky. It's nice on such a hot day... A walk, you say? By the tracks? Why sir, that sounds dangerous!

*sips some more of Mellow's whisky*

Well ah'd better be moseying along ah've gottuh bust our boys free from the posse's clutches and that aint gonna be no picnic for sure.

Any o' yew boys in this with me ?

*looks around and notices that there are no boys left save one very drunken Mellowjello and Doc and Snidely who seem very occupied by the womenfolk*

Dang !

*getting no reply from any of the Jello Gang Reb leaves the salon his spurs clinking behind him*

~clink~ ... ~clink~ .... ~clink~ ........... ~clink~ ..............

*a quiet figure in the corner gets up and follows Reb after tipping his hat to the ladies and giving a scornful glance at Doc and Snidely*

*looks after reb, her curiousity piqued*

excuse me, gentlemen. Ah... uh, Ah left the fire burnin' at home.

*hurries out the door*

*there is a sound of several horses riding into town and hitching up outside of the saloon which luckily seems to be open 24/7*

~clink~ .............. ~clink~ ........... ~clink~ .... ~clink~ ...

*the saloon doors swing open and the rescue party staggers in*

It wuz no gud. They wuz ready fer us and no matter how many rocks we threw into the bushes or how many owl hoots we gave em they didn't let up.

And we lorst anutther Ape !

Ah need sum whiskey .... and set em up for Yellow, Festus and Zeke to. This one can be orn The Celery !

*wipes brow and waits for whisky*

*goes and sits quietly in the corner, pulls the brim of his hat over his face, puts his boots up on the table and goes to sleep*

*gathers up the cards and lays out another hand of solitaire*

I could have told you it wouldn't work. You, ah, gentlemen need to learn a bit more about technology if you're to prevail against that posse. I know it's all horses and lariats today, but mark my words, he who ignores the advance of technology will soon find himself, ah, ah...


koff koff koff
koff koff koff koff

*as he folds away his kerchief, a sharp eye would notice specks of blood on the white cambric*

Yessss. Technology. Barman, would you be so kind as to bring me a pot of tea?

And some whiskey.

*a puddle is slowly forming under Yellowjello's chair, as he starts melting bit by bit*

<./>F90935?thread=186275&post=2071712#p2071712</.>

Well ah wuz there and it weren't anything like that. Me an Yeller, Zeke, Festus and wunner them Apes wuz surrounding the camp and then yew somehow moved from the camp to outside our circle and yew popped up "unexpectedly behind Yellowjello, just as he is about to approach prisoners" and then yer aimed an arrow at him.

Yer never shot it or nuthin so he scarpered fair n square along with the rest of us unexpectedly . You git Two Jellos and The Sunjello Kid so theres enough to be gittin on with ah reckon

Wad you say Yeller ?

Yer said it all Reb, it wuz exactly like yew said

Barman, wheres ma whisky ?

*a lazy drawl comes from the corner of the saloon*

Yup, that was how it happened. In these parts you get to trust a Jellos word cuz you don't last long without it.

ooook oook ook !

*has returned from taking another meal to the prisoner and notices the puddle under Yellowjeelo's chair*

*bursts out laughing* Why Yellow, looks like you're even more of a coward than we thought! Better get yourself a mop, fella.

Where'd the schoolteacher go? Last place one would expect to find a schoolmarm, in a saloon. I wonder if she's really a teacher?

Have we got any kidjellos in Peta Gulch?

*sits down with Doc Hollijello and watches him lay down the cards, sipping his tea and whiskey*

*A galloping horse is heard approaching outside. It stops and Butch Webjello enters, holding up his britches. He walks over to the rescue party.*

Thanks for springing me, boys. They're a mean bunch - almost killed me with some green fire arrow, but it was put out with some weird ice gun or somethin'. They've got all kindsa weapons I ain't never seen before. And they eat the strangest food - I saw some kind of egg pie! They do know REAL good food though when they see it - they cleared out our whole beans cache! Man, the air was thick there for a while.

Anyhow, I expect they'll be here by morning. We couldn't help leaving a plain trail for them to follow. We'll need to get ready for them. If we can draw them all towards the NG Coral, we could maybe pen them up there.

*Walks over to the bar and gets a whiskey.*

*Sits dejectedly in a corner, muttering to himself.*


Shoulda bin able to featherfoot up thar and git those boys. Ah feel like I couldn't whup a weak kitten. That thar posse is rougher than a wagon load full of cobs.

*stacks his cards neatly, finishes off his tea and stands up, doffing his hat to Floradora*

Well, you all don't seem to have any more organization than a nest of snakes. Do you realize you are riding against Billy the Kid? Did you not see him back at the Lurkers Cottage?

*touches his kerchief to his lips* I believe I will go pay the mayor a visit.

*walks out of the saloon, only pausing to lean against a wooden porch pillar to catch his breath, then heads toward the town hall*

OK, I've had the whole thing explained to me now - sorry, disregard the puddle under Yellowjello's chair please - I *attempted* to poke him in the ribs when he brushed past me...

...but brush past me is what he did - check this posting for details:
<./>F38024?thread=184880&post=2072656#p2072656</.>

*Affy enters through the swinging door, still carrying his sack*

That Celery. He sure has changed recently. Still, it was nice to see him again.

*Affy pulls out a strange deck of cards and sits at a table. The deck seems to be ridiculously large, and made up of various suits and special cards unlike that of any other deck. He begins shuffling the cards and contemplating playing it himself. He wonders if any of the tough looking WebJellos would be willing to play a round of Double Fannucci*

Barkeep! Could ya send over another phlog, please? Thanks.