h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*walks over to Butch and slaps him heartily on the back and puts some sipping whisky in his hand*

Jeez, Butch we had you down fer a gonner there. We tried real hard but the Posse was a mighty formidable proposition.

Yer heard Sun and Two Jellos are still up thar and we lost anuther Ape didjnt yer ?

~low whisper~

So what yer got in mind fer the Posse - yer know they'll be here in two shakes of a rattlers tail and The Celery seems just too relaxed about the whole darn thang for ma liking.

*Affy, overhearing everything before the low whispers, blinks at the references to a Posse and apes. The terms mean nothing to him, but they do seem familiar*

Hmmm....wonder if these apres ever met the giant apes in Moxon Wood....

*Suddenly, everything clicks. Why the term "posse", generally referring to people trying to work for good, doesn't seem to be looked on kindly be the WebJellos. Why the Celery's behavior seems to have altered for the worse. Why the Celery continuously made allusions to becoming the President before the next election*


These guys are pirating software! They're obviously frustrated because they lack the necessary game documentation! Oh, the horror! I've got to go speak to the Celery this instant!

*Affy, overhearing everything before the low whispers, blinks at the references to a Posse and apes. The terms mean nothing to him, but they do seem familiar*

Hmmm....wonder if these apres ever met the giant apes in Moxon Wood....

*Suddenly, everything clicks. Why the term "posse", generally referring to people trying to work for good, doesn't seem to be looked on kindly be the WebJellos. Why the Celery's behavior seems to have altered for the worse. Why the Celery continuously made allusions to becoming the President before the next election*


These guys are pirating software! They're obviously frustrated because they lack the necessary game documentation! Oh, the horror! I've got to go speak to the Celery this instant!


*Affy quickly finishes his drink, pays the bartender, and leaves, heading for City Hall*

*Turns to Reb.*

It was tough, Reb, but at least you managed to spring me. I sure do feel bad about Sunjello and Two Jellos, though. Did you see Sunjello? They got him encased in candy! And him with his bad tooth and everything!

But, you know, I did get a quick glance at that manual they were bringing for the ransom. I didn't get to see the codes, but I think I know what happens in Level 3. We get to use a Hedge Trimmer!


And I agree we gotta plan something for tomorrow. If we get separated between now and then, meet me at the NG Corral.

Shore could use a drink. I'm about to pooch up like an old toad.

*The doors swing open. A stranger enters*

Sinners! Repent!

I have heard of the evil ways of Peta Gulch, and I have come to restore order and faith in the Good Jello.

Will ye come pray with me?

*Sneers at the Reverend.*

Yuh come to the wrong, place, preacher. None of us here are goin' to be saved except when we're 6 feet under in a tupperware coffin.

*Looks straight at Butch*
I see I have come to the right place, son. We are all children of the Jello, and he loves us all. He is patient and will wait for you to congeal in his mold.

Does this town not have a church? We must have a place of worship.

*bursts through the doors, looking as though she had just been on a long ride. sees the preacher and stops dead*

Why, hello, Reverend. Welcome to Petah Gulch... If'n you'll excuse me, Ah need a drink.

*goes to the bar and sits, orders a whiskey. glances at the jellos from the corner of her eye*

*Tips his hat*

Ma'am.


If you'll all excuse me.

*Turns and leaves, practically running.*

*Returns with a clean shirt, hair combed down, and a freshly-scented Bible.*

I forgo... I never got the answer to my question - Is there a church here in town? And if not, where can I find the mayor? I want to talk to him about setting up a place of worship.

*Glances sideways towards the bar.*

*a teenage minionjello with surly attitude slips into the saloon and hands Zeke a note*

*after reading the note he quietly slips out of the saloon*

*Affy enters, carrying his burlap sack. He notes a Jello carrying a Bible and wearing a cleaner shirt. And, frankly, seeming a bit friendlier than everyone else. Affy quickly jumps to the conclusion that this must be a reverend, preacher, missionary, or enthusiastic believer*

Hello there, sir. Not seen many of your type around here. First things first: are you against drinking in general, or are you just against getting drunk? If it's the latter, allow me to offer you a friendly drink on me. If the former, I'm afraid I've nothing to give away at the moment that it looks like you're in the immediate use of.

*Affy pulls out his deck of cards and makes a show of emptying his burlap sack onto an empty table. The table is soon covered with gold bars, silver chalices, coins of every reasonable description, precious stones, and the odd statuette, vase or other curio. Affy begins shuffling*

Calling all who are willing to a game of cards. There's something rotten in Peta Gulch, and it's not the fish brought in from over the desert. I, being the inquisitive "wanna-look-out-for-myself-if-I-can" type of person that I am, want to know just what it is. So here's the deal: if you can beat me at cards, you get this mound of treasure. If I beat you, however, we'll have a little Q&A session and I'm gonna be starting it. Who's in?

*Looks at the reverend again*

Sir, I'm afraid that I can't let you participate unless you've got something to catch my eye. You know, episode K01 of MST3K, or something.

Barkeep, another phlog!

I am not opposed to drinking, sir. As the good book says, a glass of wine with a meal is good for the digestion. However, I humbly decline your offer of a drink. Perhaps we can sit down to dinner at some point.

*Looks at the loot on the table.*

I do not approve of gambling, however. It leads straight to perdition.

*A Jello that looks like he has been tarred and feathered, only with treacle and leaves instead of tar and feathers, gallops into the saloon on a yellow dog, glances around the room, stares at the items on the table, glances at Butch, glares at the strangers, then trots back out of the saloon again. (maybe dragging Zero along with him)*

Ner that somthang yer don't see everyday y'know. Must've been caused by an absence of whisky ah rekkon.

Barman - anuther of yor finest drops and put it orn the Celerys tab if yew please.

*collapses drunkenly on bar*

*enters from the street, looking decidedly irritable. Looks up and sees the Rev Lovejello*

What is this town coming to anyway? Mr. Preacher, there's no church in this place. The last time a tent revival came to Peta Gulch, we all went down for the entertainment, but the snake handler got tired of cowjellos firing their guns in the air. Made his snakes jumpy. And the boys only ever put spent cartridges in the collection plate.

First a schoolteacher and now a preacher! We'll be forming a zoning committee next...

*heads for the bar and signals for some sippin whiskey*

[Zero untangles himself from the leash, stops moving, and gets shakily to his feet.]

[Zero] [under his breath] I am SO going to need a shower when this adventure is over ...

*has abruptly left City Hall on hearing the commotion, and now enters, stopping to regard the newcomer*

Well, well, ~wayell~. What have we here? Take this man prisoner. I am going to freshen up and will be back shortly. *climbs the staircase to the hotel rooms*

*Walks over and sticks his gun in Zero's back.* So, our jail is finally going to get some use. March, pardner. *Butch takes Zero to the jail.* http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F90857?thread=187604&post=2077952#p2077952 If you don't want to be captive, it will be easy to break out of the jail. Butch will leave you alone there after you post to that thread.