h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I dreamt that I became the youngest tennis player
to win both the singles and doubles final matches.
I achieved this no matter what the naysayers say
that I will soon be going through bad patches.

But I proved them wrong, despite being fourteen
when I won the Australian, French, UK and US tournaments.
I became known as the Aberdeen tennis queen
who goes camping in the woods in the most high tech tents.

My tennis career was quite short.
My pants split. I had to abort.
My serves hit the net.
I said, "Let's forget
This game." Then I walked off the court.

Tweet now about the sheep that bleat
when they greet each other at the meet.
Join the highbrow who talk about the carabao
during a Tao powwow in Macao when riding in a landau.

Join a club at the local hub where you'll meet up with Bub.
He sits in a hot-tub with a bear cub when visiting the night club.
Make fruit fritters when drinking a pint of best bitter
learn zumba exercises to help keep fitter and becoming a better knitter.

Sheep spend their lives eating grass.
They think as they let the time pass:
"That milkweed looks nice.
No, it's poison. Think twice.
It 's sure to kick you in the .

The weather has been rather samey, samey
with the usual suspects predicting a warmer summer.
It will fill some with much dread and not with glee
even the plumber who's the Met Office band drummer.

There are mixed signals from the weather experts
with some seeing both warm and cooler temperatures.
You will still need to cover up when wearing your t-shirts
when accessing the new computer weather model features.

The weather man isn't consistent.
His forecasts are rarely persistent.
He said, "Lots of light,
Then darkness at night.
For more news, just ask my assistant.

Do, do, yo, yo, goes Moe and Joe
twirling their hair when sitting on the stairs.
They're always on the go whenever they see snow
over their market wares being guarded by bears.

They're recovering from their heartache
when they fell out with themselves on their lack of love life.
They moan at Aiken of the late delivery of their chocolate flake cake
which fills them with strife when waiting to become a midwife.

Going to find my baby, going to hold him tight.
Maybe Abe it will take more time to get it right.
Going to get ready for the late afternoon delight
where no-ones flies their kites or has a fight.

As the sun goes down, wearing my ballgown
waiting for the space shuttle to leave town.
It is emerging out of earth's atmosphere
as we toast it's premier with supreme tasting beer.

I'm waiting for good news to come.
It might be more likely for some.
I don't mind the wait,
As often it's fate
That serves coffee instead of rum.

I can remember days when Renee would dance with his toupee.
I would sit in the café by the loch as I watched a firework display.
I used to make you smile when walking a mile or more through Argyll which is full of Gaelic style.
But now you can't get through to Sue and Hugh who are waiting in a long queue.
There's no way I can lose my pack of screws or my collection of handmade shoes.
I sing the Blues whenever I have to choose what time I have a snooze.
I know some days will be hard but I will send you a bouquet of flowers with a greeting card
and some poems by the renowned Robbie Burns, the Scottish bard.


But don't you want to have one of my tattoos or my home made recipe of vegetable stew.
I will speak to Pru to send you a home brew kit and food for a barbecue.
Cause I can't stand it that you say that you will teach me how to knit
and that you’ll buy me a keep fit kit as well as antique tool kit.
When you come home and we just argue about growing wildflowers near our dove cove tower.
You tell me that, there will heavy rain showers which will last more than an hour.
But I won't show it with my humour and wit and the way I wear my tartan kilt
and I always keep my lavender perfumed candle lit as I try to keep healthy and fit.
I will just hold my breath and keep quiet that I have an antique lorgnette along with a brass clarinet.

My poetry doesn't make sense.
My efforts are really immense.
If foolish I be,
Tie me to a big tree,
And feed me some pie from the tents.

i could tie you to a tree, seal
but how good might that make me feel?
and how about you?
i mean what would you do?
would you pick a banana to peel?

Every time there's a little earthquake which is felt all around the park lake where I lost my chocolate flake cake.
I am then given my favourite milk shake and a slice of Aberdeen Agnus fore-rib steak.
Every little landslide that happens when I am sliding down the park’s banana slide that fills me with pride.
When I am taken to my first steam train ride and to go to the seaside to watch the tide.
Every time I spread paranormal stories that sound quite funny and absurd
where no-one believes me when I explain on how my height has increased by a third.
I tell them of the times I hear the song of the blackbird as I sit down to complete a crossword.
Every time I am hugged it makes me feel snug in a bug when sleeping on a woolly rug.
When I am given jug of beer it fills me with cheer and also when I am presented with a handcrafted coffee mug.

I an remember the days when I watched Renee dance with his toupee.
We would sit by the Aviemore loch watching a firework display.
I used to make him smile if only for a while when walking a mile
or more through Argyll which is full Gaelic charm and style.
But now you can't get through to Sue and Hugh who are waiting in a queue.
They were going to share me their videos of last year's Edinburgh tattoo.
To cheer you up when life is getting hard, I will send you a handcrafted greeting card
with verses from Scotland's bard which was created in my backyard.
I will shower you with my humour and wit when I am learning how to knit
and keep healthy and fit while taking part in a virtual comedy skit.

I still like to buy green bananas
I buy from a farm stand (it's Hannah's).
They're ripe in three days.
They're great many ways,
And so I believe in mananas.

How many countless nights have I stayed in a lone campsite?
Where I go to hide whenever I look pie-eyed and my hair has been dyed.
At first light, I try to remain out of sight of Dwight who’s a Jedi knight.
He asked me for his fish to be deep fried just as he had it at the seaside.
Soon as he slams my front door behind the centaur who’s a naval commodore.
Maybe you’re not to blame that you got rejected to be the pantomime dame.
You may find life to be a total bore as you complain about my home’s décor.

I'm camping with Yogi the Bear.
My pickanick basket we share.
He eats all the pie
And leaves cvrust (it's dry)
For me . I have said it's not fair.

The west is best for a rain fest.
So go and put on your Sou'wester vest.
When you will be put to the test
to see if you take the Pest from the West
in jest when taking part of a noble quest
to find a treasure trove chest.

Nanoq from Greenland
bought green bananas
and told me "provided enough
mananas come my way
one of them will display
my 'nanas are no longer tough"

I bought some bananas for six little nippers.
Behold, they used the skins for three pairs of slippers.