h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Quick, quick, they won't notice! Straight down the stairs. Hey, love the frock! No, not at all! Kids, what do they know? No, I wouldn't have noticed, looks just like a walkman. Whoopsadaisy! Yes I know, nor did I, too trite by half. Let me get you a...?

You could get me a Guinness, but I'd have to drone on about the correct way to pour it and how the bubbles going down when you leave it to settle is just an optical illusion...

Very good - bit of a head on it though? I'm sure someone will top that up if I just pretend I haven't noticed it yet......

You do know you're talking to yourself in here don't you. That muttering you hear is you, not me.

Listen, that dreadful Lil Llewelyn something is going to be down here soon, wanting to paint the place white or orange or something. Any ideas?

Seeing as no-one knows you are here, let me line up the next one for you.

When I painted my cellar (back in the old days, when "DIY" was called "maintenance" ) I had to do it in tar as the damp course didn't extend to the cellar and so I had to effectively water proof it.
The cellar at home is no longer old and musty - but increasingly I am
*secretly wonders if that cellar has flooded*
Anyway - much afoot
Slainté

*joining boringly into conversation on the weather*
It hasn't rained that much has it? The house is on the top of a hill, Don't think the water table has risen that much, It was OK in 1952
*goes back to sleep in chair in corner, but keeps hand tightly warpped round the glass with half an inch of brandy in it*

I don't know - but I was under the mistaken impression that York was on a hill anyway. Everyone is looking for someone to blame for this flooding - me, I blame the weather.
I think I need a coffee, but don't know how to do that....

Here Jonesy, Dunk your biscuits in that (Bet you never heard that before.)

Now cellars, I can tell you about waterproofing cellars. I have this very special waterproof cement, you know...

And, if you want an instant flood barrier, you get some bags of my very special waterproof cement and...

Cement is a very interesting subject, dont you think!

Cement can be interesting...
When I was doing the same cellar, I needed to cement the floor as the existing floor was bare chalk and this let water seep in.
So I started at yon end and put down a layer of cement the regulation 4 inches deep in a swathe 2 feet wide and evened it out with a spirit level then moved on to the next swathe.
Unfortunately the chalk floor had a bit of a slope to it so by the time I got to the final swathe, the cement had to be at least a foot and a half deep! Still - it's going to outlast me anyhow

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No you're right - it is/was concrete.
I had access to a big pile of pebbles down the bottom of Caistor hill, and as mentioned, the house is about half way up. Unfortunately my only form of transport was a bicycle with a trailer or a Daihatsu charade. Anyhow, even with the bicycle it was hard work...do you know, the more I remember about this particular episode, the madder it sounds

We all get a little unbalanced at times. Is that Caistor, Lincs?

Sorry to press, but I really need to be giving this Interior Design thingy some thought. Mirrors on the ceiling? Velvet Drapes? Ultra-Violet lighting (Ah, the good old days!)? If that strange lady in the corner wakes up, can you ask her too? Thanks. I leave you in peace...man!

I'm sure I can cope with anything from the pre-"Super Fresco makes it easy, it's by Graham and Browne" era of decorating.
For reasons best left vague, my current room in Caistor, Lincs has yellow and erm adobe coloured walls and purple floorboards.
It should be borne in mind that I am colour blind so best not leave the decor up to me ..although I am a _big_ fan of ultra violet lights. To me, the nightclub scene just changed when they stopped using those...

Your room sounds, er, erm..., well it sounds... I don't quite know how to put this...Um..it sounds to be slightly inapproprate for here, although, I am sure that it the correct setting, which I am sure your room is, it provides a delightful ambience. (Phew!)

Well skirted around

Alright - the first thing we're going to have to sort out is the lighting. It's far too harsh for my tired complexion/eyes. You know, when you get to this stage you need all the help you can get - soft candle light and the glowing embers of a good turf fire would be good....wait - that belongs in the snug, and so do I.

Mention mirrors, and they're gone!

No I'm still here - it was all done with smoke and mirrors

Perhaps those nice "Eyestorm" folks could donate a few works of art to adorn the walls. If not we'll just have to plaster them with old Guinness,OXO and players adverts and that might not set the right tone at all.

We have to have at least a broken clock, preferably a Guiness one. That is certainly the tone I expect from a real public house. Broken Clocks, Mirrors advertising beers that haven't been brewed in ten years, and at least forty different Malt Whiskies behind the bar.


You know, I'm not convinced that fire in the snug is giving out enough heat, although why I thought the celler would be better I don't know.
*Wanders off again, mumbling about lack of heat.*

You seem to be very cold regardless - perhaps you have your thermals on inside out?

Alone again, my friend. Have another . Peace, man.

*wanders down the stairs and into the cellar, nods to the current occupants*

Hello hello, Witty Moniker is my name, charter member of the middle age division, I am. Just came down to see what it is we've got down here. Do you know if we've got a secret handshake, yet? And don't you find it a bit chilly down here?

*rummages around in her tote bag, pulls out a pair of mittens and puts them on*