h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello fellow anarchists, did I miss anything while I was away trying to destabilise the government by inserting sweary words in the Queens speech? Discovered she's a robot controlled from Blair's WAP phone...foiled again. (Watch Anarchist's Puzzlement before anyone asks)

Well OK I had a cold, sleeping sickness, and then a cold again, but I now have enough sputum to do something anarchic with. I would like to propose that the BOF Inn undertakes biological warfare for Christmas.

To stop any of these young whippersnappers ever growing up to be teenage whippersnappers and drinking all our Buckie, we should fill Action Men with my sputum, give them a catchy name like Prof. Gangrene, and distribute them throughout the world...

...WHAT? Someone at Hasbro has already done that? Damn, damn, damn. Bet it's not even toxic. (Ed. It is.)

OK how about we deposit my sputum in the North Sea and say it's been dumped by MacDonalds from the top of their venison burgers? At this point I'd like to express my gratitude to Rabbie Burns for his inspiration, 'til aw the seas gangrene my deer'.

No that's not working is it? Ah well, let's see what I missed....

I agree Pheroneous, it is irony.

You will tell me if I'm rambling won't you?

*the only known surviving memeber of the subcommittee for subversive behaviour sits down on a Noddy book to hatch another Plod*

-mumbling in his sleep-
'magine...
all those people...
...life in sin..
no beginning...
an' no heaven 2...
'magine all those people...
-he slips quietly to the floor-

"y'alright mate?" someone perhaps Pharmonious inquires.

I read the news today. Oh boy.
It was 20 years ago today.
Is it not good, Nor wegian would.
Damn spaniel in the words.

Yeah, I can remember where I was the day John boy got shot. I wonder if Mark Chapman can...naw, I don't suppose he knew me.

Still, I suppose someone had to shut down the Waltons. Like the bankrupt medical suppliers who misjudged demand for their product, they'd just made too many enemas to survive.

I can't remember where I was when Kennedy got shot, I was only six. My mum tells me I was playing with my new Bankrobber Barbie & Ken gun on a grassy knoll somewhere, but she'll never be able to prove a thing. Besides Kennedy's songs weren't nearly as good.

Could he have written that Arkansas lament, "Motherrrrr, you had me....but I never had yoooooo"?

Besides if you say, "Ich bein ein Berliner" and call yourself a small donut, it's just asking for someone to put a hole in you.

You will tell me if I'm rambling (be it on a grassy knoll or elsewhere) won't you?

Speaking of rambling, that Wilde chap just left muttering, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do!"
I don't think he appreciates the Reflective properties of tinfoil. The little electric hearth has the place fairly bright and warm now, not to mention how the tinfoil folds and conforms to the rough stone walls and seems to be acting as a vapour barrier as well. No, I think at the next Decorations Committee meeting I'm going to move we keep the tinfoil even at the risk of having M2M2 putting me on their homophobe hitlist.

It has been moved (and seconded for that matter) by Mister Bumweevil that here in the Cellar nothing is sacred. I would like to move an amednment to that motion before we vote that if the motion passes we have the words "Nothing Is Scared" painted into the tinfoil above the sacred electric hearth, possibly in blood but lipstick (lipgloss?)would do.
Are you ready for the question?
All those in flavour charge your glasses.
The nays will retire to the Salon (saloon?) and the abstentions are welcome to stay unless they have anything nice to say (especially about the Spice Girls) when they will be asked to return to the Snug.

*sits his glass on the Van der Graaf generator*

Don't tell me I've missed Oscar again. I went to his grave, but he either wasn't home or didn't want to answer the doorbell. Anyway, there's no way he's getting rid of that tinfoil, it's so reflective that when we appear on the secret service webcam it'll appear that there are thousands of us...in a variety of uniforms.

M2M2? All this time and I still haven't met Les Bigay. Still anyone who paints Souter's buses pink is alright with me. It's good fun watching the confused looks on alcoholics' faces when they see one.

Now howsabout a new motto for the surgeons who repaired Mr Bobbit, "No thing is Scarred"?

Motion carried.

If you think I'm resurrecting that old bedpan pun, you're pissin' in the wind...draughty here isn't it?

Well at least now we know why the walls are damp.

I just piss on it m'self.

tsk

The landlord went to all this trouble to get the place decorated to character, and have a place for committee meetings and all, and what do we get but some late Bow Zart writer coming in and talking down his nose.

Just when we get the dust settling nicely on the whitewashed brick, too. I tell you, you can't duplicate this kind of decor!

If that ex-theatre person comes back I'll be upstairs. I'm afraid the air down here is a bit too dense for me...

Hey man! All things are cool, but you should know that the tin is hear for a purpose, keeps out all the prying rays, and stops mobiles working, which is a good thing. As a headquarters for the revolution, though, it lacks je ne sais pas quoi.

You may need to apply for the setting up of a rambling sub-committee.

Thanks Lil, that's the nicest compliment I've had all year.

Yeah I'd like to get my hands on the folks who sold all those phones to the rays. Every time I'm going to work on a Greek cruise ship, they always waken me up with their incessant ringing.. "I can't talk now, I'm on the (boat)train" SO WHY DON'T YOU SWITCH THE £@%&!£G THING OFF?

I think we should devise a plot so they all microwave their heads...

....damn, beaten to it again.

"Surf the net, surf the BT-have-really-ripped-you-off-this-time-haven't-they net?"

Bah, humbug!

*This should be considered an application for promotion to BOF first class*

or restriction to the cellar at least...

I just heard Bach is dead. And not recently either. They say it was 250 years ago today (December's a hard month on musicians!) Could it have been the Van de Graaf generator? Or would that be anachronistic? And why am I feeding you lines there Mister Bananaboat smarty pants wisenhammer, you don't need any help.

Are you sure? I heard the news today, oh boy, and there was no mention of dead Bachs. Whats going on?

Having read some of your homepage and followed a few threads I am quite willing to retract my claim that Bach's deathday celebrations were either current or real. It was something I thought I heard on CBC Radio (the Canuck equivalent of the Beeb in England or PBS (Pearls Before Swine) in the US).
This erroneous auditory input or a maligned receptor interpretation can be blamed on one of the following.
Time warp?
Bad calendar?
December?
Using a cell phone/driving/smoking while listening to the car radio.
Pick one and please consider excusing my disinformation.
Or I'll report you to the Korean pedants.

So, you think this is a parlour game Mister Bond.

Quick get out of the car!

Well, the Koreans are shortly to leave my life forever, and pedants are just ordinary people, except that they are right. I have temporarily forsworn driving cars, as am remaining stationary for the moment. Calendars must be right because they all seem to be controlled by Microsoft and to gainsay Microsoft would be a heresy. Time warps involve a suspension of belief, which my personal cynicism will not allow. Therefore, he said triumphantly, the answer must be December!

Sorry, what was the question?

WHAT? Daisy Duke has snuffed it? Woe, woe woe!

You must be Claire Voyant...
I was going to ask why Wumbeevil ate cement and no-one blinked.
And, what your connection to this liquid rock might be. You may wish to take this conversation elsewhere. But wait, here in the Cellar nothing is sacred.

I am also going to argue time warps with you at some point in the distant past if I have not already planned this possibilty for a date to be announced earlier. Or as they say, 'More on that later'.

The Korean culture and modern Korean politics makes for a mix of values and behaviours that even ex-pat Koreans complain about when they go home for visits after living abroad. Again I speak as an expert having heard one program on the subject on CBC by a Korean/Canadian journalist with an ax to grind.

You must be Claire Voyant...
I was going to ask why Wumbeevil ate cement and no-one blinked.
And, what your connection to this liquid rock might be. You may wish to take this conversation elsewhere. But wait, here in the Cellar nothing is sacred.

I am also going to argue time warps with you at some point in the distant past if I have not already planned this possibilty for a date to be announced earlier. Or as they say, 'More on that later'.

The Korean culture and modern Korean politics makes for a mix of values and behaviours that even ex-pat Koreans complain about when they go home for visits after living abroad. Again I speak as an expert having heard one program on the subject on CBC by a Korean/Canadian journalist with an ax to grind.