h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Hello Shazz! Long time no see! How do you like this place? It sure is real, isn't it!

Hey shazz man. Welcome. Just when we need some subversion of the Capitalist lackey press! Good one. We serve anyone here, regardless of age or parents marital status! (**smiles wanly**) Here . Take a rest from your labours and I'll wake you if they try and paper over you. Peace. Hey, mind the...ahh!

Cheers man! I'm not quite dead yet!
Hey Lil I wondered where you were concealing yourself!
Capitalist Lackey Press eh?!! You say THAT after I gave you front page billing in the Post?!
~Downs and settles for a few 's in the corner
shazz

***Waits for zzzzzzs. Chalks message on back of beer carton and holds up sign "Say nothing. Journalist present!"***

The plot thickens.

The ssspiider bat fiissh stars bback in..... Nope, you lost me. have another

Wakes up. Sees she's missed the celebrations .Orders another brandy and mutters to herself about the decor "I think cellar walls ought to be lined with tinfoil. Mirrorish effect, quite cheap, easy to paster round, fold round any projections.Would also make the place warmer. Goes back to sleep with hand firmly clasped round the next brandy.

Yeah tinfoil, man, that'ld be reall cool and look like a Uriah heep album. It'ld screw up all the government's listening devices as well man, and it says in the civil defence manual that we should wrap ourselves in it to deflect a nuclear blast so we're not overcooked for any survivors man.

* sits down and reads his Anarchists' Cookbook....
"Hmm, 'Sacrifice two virgins at midnight'. Well, that only leaves one to find. Strange way to make a bomb tho".
Squints at faded title of book and realises he has picked up the Antichrist's Cookbook by mistake. Throws book in corner in disgust and decides on a disinformation campaign instead. Whispers in a sleeping capitalist-lackey press ear..*

"Rumor has it that Bar staff are going to blockade the beer pumps. I don't know about you, but I'm stocking up on before these panic buyers get news of this."

*sists down and draws an atom bomb on the back of a beermat*

Fear not, my evil friend, I've got enough stached away in here to last through any mere armageddon, man.

Hey, I am the bar staff! Don't Panic! (**Puzzled by familiarity of phrase, struggles with memory, gives up**)

Evil? I'm not evil, just slightly misunderstood, or as the politicians say, "It's just a commicication problem, I'm not getting my message across to those dumb b@$%@*&$ who I want to vote for me." © John Major, Tony Blair, Saddam Hussein, Pat Buchanan et al (Gore?)

Now you mention it, that barstaff phrase is ringing some bells

...got it. It's a Beatles song..

Sitting in a virtual pub waiting for the beer
If the beer don't come you get a black & tan recycled from the drain
I am the barstaff
They aren't the barstaff
I am Pheroneous
GOO GOO G'JOOB

I thought WM was in charge of the barstaff appointments?

I wasn't appointed. Came with the fixtures and fittings. Slave to the system. Cunning plan in operation.

Do you think that journalist person needs waking? I thought they had deadlines and such.

**Notices half empty packet of rizlas and slips out quietly**

**several hours pass**

**Returns noticeably light headed**

Hey, Dunc, my man, whats your number?

**Returns 4 days later***
Ah yes, mm... sorry that took so long. Got trapped in agame of dominoes, don't you know. Awfully quiet down here - has the conversation dropped off too? By the way - that nice Jonathon King was back on the box again recently. What's he up to these days?

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Oh how are the mighty fallen.
See - now that is sarcastic. Where's that young chap who wnated to know what was sarcastic vs. ironic?

*goes to search, hindered only by a network connection that has degraded so much recently you'd think it had been privatised*

Uncool man! I have one of those highway things that turns my decrepit PC into an instant access box, though h2g2 gets constipation at times.

(I would have said - when applied to either King man - your comment was close to irony.)

~stretches, yawns... picks up the remains of the which has settled to just the correct temperature... looks at watch and date... panics... and scuttles up the stairs~
shazz

Phew! Good thing our intrepid reporter was asleep all that time. The world will never know!