h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah- this one is "Room 101" By George !
And the next one says "You don't have to be a member of the foreign service to join in but it helps !"

**wonders why no one else is around and asks the gods for divine guidance**

"by George"? That Asda be a joke

*looks at next door*

"Bad Ads Graveyard".

"Buy the new song by the famous female semi-duet, 'Spike' by Smellin' Kim, you'll be humming it all day"

There's Playtex's Ethiopian Wonderbra launch....oh and the Ronco Space Shuttle...Oh look there's "Don't let a sailor tickle your fancy when he docks, buy him notickle nauticle neuticles"

*wonders which one to buy and asks Divine for goods guidance. Buys it and trips over the 5 foot shoulder straps*

One of these doors must be a tool room.

Take your pick. But I am gonna need a machete, a long handle shovel, a small bow saw, a wheelbarrow and an irish rake.

I cleared a path (with the Roman sword described above-or was that in The Snug)for only about fifty feet (hundreds of centimeters) toward the lake and found what must have been a toolshed at one time but it's fallen in and the tools have escaped. The sword is now quite dull. With proper gear I can reach the lake in about a week to ten days. Current projections for completely clearing the terraces are in the nay-bore-hood of twenty years.

*Tharg the Handsome takes the pick and smashes in the door.
Inside we find a machete,long handled shovel,small bow saw,wheelbarrow,cuddly toy.....Tharg thanks the gods for providing such a surprising lead to Fultons eventual joke. Also thanks them for getting him off the subject of cars.*

" Nope - no Irish rakes here" he said telegraphing all and sundry for the next punch line.

*wonders if a ethiopian bra would be advertised as "haile supportive" or that "its fits alassie well."*

Speaking of cars and Ethiopians, did you know that the barefoot runner who won the 19...something Olympic marathon was given a brand new Harley Davidson motorcycle which he in turn gave up to the government and it was still being driven by Kadaffy before the Americans bombed his leg. You did? Then you know it's a true story. But the Americans will deny bombing a Harley except co-laterally.

*Tharg the now totally confused steps back to wonder in amazement at the Canadian educational system.Also stares into the distance in awe of the Americans limbited strike capability*

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*Tharg the Forgiving waves at a group consisting of Barry Lyndon,Peter O'Toole and Richard Harris*

"Hmm -looking at the Canadian Medical Journal (yawn) there seems to be a lot of bear skin around -and after looking at that Wumbeevil's internet page I'm certainly not waiting for Christopher Robin to go down with Alice.

*wonders how the hell people come across these articles (blushes) and then realises has just entered a door marked""Carry on Film" Script Writers Only !".

Charmed I'm sure..do carry on.

The world famous Irish "redhead" rake must be on a banned imports list in Britain. Fact is, and I'm sorry there is no joke here, the best garden rakes in the world are made in Ireland and are called "redheads" and there is no joke and I was just trying to impress with my knowledge of quality garden tools, and this is not an advert for Irish rakes and ...and I'm sorry.

-considers how easy it would be to dig large hole to crawl into using wonderful long handled shovel discovered by the picky Tharg-

If you only knew the hours that I have spent trying to work out the relevance of 'Irish Rakes' to this thread! I know James Joyce has a ghost somewhere, and I know DJ is currently, no doubt, to adopt thie behaviour pattern...damn. All the time you meant 'rakes'!

Well I suppose, in a pinch, I could borrow Finnegan's Rake.

I WARNED YOU ALL !!!
I WARNED YOU IT WAS COMING!!!

Oh dear! Wrap up warm, dears, calamity approaches.

*hears the sound of singing*

"NOWOWOWOWOW I shout it from the HIGHest hill,
EVENNNN to the golllllllden daffoooooooDIL,
that once I had a secret love, (wopdooda, dawopdop dooda)
that lived withinn the heart of me (wopdooda, dawopdop dooda)"

Wait a minute that's not the Doris Day version, that's the duet she sung with her twin sister on a picnic in Buckinghamshire. Ah well, you know what they say, "Hear two days, gone to Marlow"

*hears someone muttering what sounds like "Bucks." and thinks "Deer, Deer"*

Yeah "withinn" the heart of me 2

*clutches her lager grimly and refuses to speak*

Oh Lil, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you were Doris's twin. Let's do some decorating to take your mind off your more talented and successful sister.

Move over darling, that touch of mink should go nicely there.

Like the new name, very functional.

*darkly* Everyone likes that bottle-blonde cow better.
Anyhow, I don't call that success. Ha! I've got my principles, I have.

*Lil(lager, valium)*

Calm down Lil, we all know that you're a much better interior designer than Doris, so you can you please stop muttering "collar'n'cuffs, collar'n'cuffs, ..."?

After all, everyone here knows what was meant when Doris the junkie pleaded, "Whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away".

...yeah, peroxide blondes, who needs 'em?

*paints his blonde bits red in an expression of solidarity and insanity*