h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey Fulton! Managed to get this old roman sword.Got it off an old roman wandering around outside.It'll do at a stab I think. So wumbeevil knows a decorator does he ? Sounds flemish
You know ,Wumby old boy ,that I live quite close to Buckfast Abbey and I could........."

*decides he needs a drink after the Belgian pun nearly made him Magritte*

Thanks for the offer Mr Caponehugger (you are Spike Milligan & I claim my free pair of sunglasses and an air rifle), but I think you'll find we have greater stocks of the nectar of the monks here than they do in Devon. If they're ever wanting some of their bottles back, just let me know as I live in the middle of the country's largest al fresco bottlebank.

A Roman sword eh? I had a dog once (before I discovered sheep) who used to sniff every lamppost whilst smoking ciggys 'til they burnt down to his lips. Claimed he was a reincarnated Roman officer, a Centurion no dout.

So old Al Fresco's opened up a bottle bank has he ?
Good for him !
About this pet of yours who smokes dog ends - did he die of legionaires disease ?

No, he was performing his patriotic Roman duties one day when he choked on his Cesar.

Blow me, I think that was a gag.

I hope David Jason is deported from down your way this month, we all know what happens when the Christmas Torquay isn't deFrosted.

This ayr rifle you mentioned - isn't that when your wife goes through your wallet ?

Hmm no she's a pure piece of Glaswegianna, but it could be that nice Geordie/Swedish girl we've hired doing the something similar, aup air rifle.

Then again it could be the Devine Sidney, he's from Ayr. Aaaargh! I think I need a drink now, the voices in my head are getting very threatening.

*Strangles his brain with a litre of pernod*

Ah that's better, I'm now picturing Divine in his basque singing You Think You're a Man, and believe me that is a helluva lot better than picturing Sidney singing Scotland Forever.

It's round about here I discover the threatening voice coming back and down another Pernod.

*sits down and is very predictable with a bottle of Pernod*

Ahh absinthe makes the heart grow fonder !

...or as they say in Switzerland when a live MacDonalds veniburger starts sweating liquid cheese after a good drinking session, absinthe makes the hart grow fondue

Deer deer ! You don't get any better do you ?
Have to go now - Fulton seems to have disappeared
Probably ddn't want to go looking for the lake. Too Eerie !

Going off Paignton the town red. See you soon.Needle nardle noo!



*exits mumbling My name is Fred Fernackerpan -I wander round the town etc*

It wood have to be a Tiny Tim crutch (everybody's got one) as we want to keep a nice level consistent heat. The linseed oil on those old Victorian prothetic devices will glow merrily. (Intoducing other types, especially modern ones with petroleum based lacquers, wood know be wise.)

Egads. Isn't this the Snug? Oh no wrong room again. I have know idea what's been going on in here... Another committee meeting is it? Can someone read me the minutes for the past few hours.... Oh here give them to me I'll read them myself now that I'm here.

Glow merrily? Was a full leg version of a Victorian prosthesis responsible for "Ding Dong merrily on thigh"?

Egads I've missed the last post. I don't think it's the Snug unless the floor has given way at a junction.

I think "Merrily on Thigh" was the full leg venison. No way SHE was a version.

And Tharg is right. (I quote for reference: "Deer deer you don't get any better do you!")

*stomps in bearing a keychain of paint samples*

There is entirely too much levity going on in here. The lot of you are forgetting that there are rules here. Yes. And regulations.

*Pushes himself off the ceiling and speaks like Donald Duck*

We can't help it Lil, Pheroneous has been using Helium instead of CO2 in the pints again.

*floats above a chair and reads a serious paper to try and impress everyone. Fails miserably.*

Hey Lil, it says here that you got Ben Johnson into trouble by allowing him to take you to the Canadian Olympic team barndance just before the 100M final. Poor Seoul. Is this true? Did he take Asteroid Lil?

*looks at the keychain*

Ooh, I do like that tartan paint. You do have good taste Lil. I was so sorry to hear that you didn't win the pub decorator of the year contest.

*wonders if he's just plaid Lil a comp lament.*

Wumby old son! Hows the head?
Whats this about a tart and some paint - shouldn't that sort of thing be glossed over.
Just been writing a musical about a male dominated mutton ie lving family. Thinking of calling it Seven Bridies for Seven Brothers.

Oh Ms Lil, there's a motion on the floor downstairs in the Cellar that directly involves you as the Decorating Thingy person...
Seems the Ghost of Mr Wilde has said "Either that wallpaper goes or I do." And I have made a motion to keep the tinfoil. I suppose we really should have brought it up here to Committee Rooms but they're a ruff crowd down cellar. They will have their way. With you. Or without you. Just thought you oughta know that.

The head is starting to sneeze again, anyone got a tissue?

I hope for your sake that Lil likes your paint pun or there'll be blood on the walls...with just a hint of spleen. Make no mistake, like Sean Connery's wig, there'll be hell to pay. She's not a woman to cross atelier.

Strange about those musicals (very strange), I was just writng one about a dog with food poisoning who lives in converted stables. It's called The Hound of Mews Sick.