h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

{Phillipa}

*wishes she had a hankie. *


sniff.

Pull yourselves together, for goodness sake, is only a song! Tears we can cope with (**switches on enormous portable pump, with a big hose, attached to a rather vigorous fireman from the village**) but all this dibbling and, and, and...what is that coming out of your nose you sweet young thing? Here just blow your nose....Aaargh!!!

"bits of me are scattered in the fields and on the hedges" (Dave Edmunds)

**Comes over all quiet!**

*bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang*

stopthat stopthat stopthat

*bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang*

[Phillipa]

*Jumps! at the loud noises!*

Eerk! What is that?

Mark Chapman?

Oh no, my treacherous brain is now leaping between Imagine, Jealous Guy and Mother.

*the vigorous village fireman starts to look worried*

[Phillipa]

*Wonders why the fireman looks so jumpy. She begins to feel nervous as well.*

I think you will find that the fireman is nervous because he doesn't come down here very often. He doesn't have the requisite permissions (in triplicate, signed by the committee) to interfere with the BOF's, and he has heard some very strange tales of the neighbours! Notice that he is keeping a very tight grip on his hose.

[Phillipa}

*notices*

Settle down young filly! We were discussing the merits or otherwise of Mr Cole, if you remember, or would you like to form a special sub-committee for the examination of firemen and their hoses?

Yeah someone should investigate why firefighters tights can fall down at inopportune moments, it's a national disgrace. They can end up bungee jumping when they slide down that pole in the station. That cheap elastic is terrible, it'll all end in tears I tell you...or is it ladders?

*sits down in a corner singing Billy Connolly's Country and Western Supersong...*

Yes my granny is a cripple in Nashville....

[Phillipa]

*Is getting restive with all this standing about in one place.*

Erm, could I have a glass of water?

Ahh! such a sweet young thing. If you want drinks you need to go down to the bars. However, the splendid facilities here offer though you may not wish to drink the water. There are rumours. Not everyone here is as healthy as they might be.

I notice your beauteous presence has stunned the committees, sub-committees and observers to silence!

which continues...

Philippa, dear sweet Philippa, would you mind terribly just popping down to the Snug and sorting out the yobs down there, they seem to be getting rather worked up about the village, or rather the naming thereof.

*sigh* Now what?

going...

*looks distastefully at the damp carpet*
It's all got to be lino, if things go on like this. What was that Dr. Hook song, "Sylvia's Mother"?

Hmmm, not much of a carpet, I thought it was lino. Ah well, now I know I'm upstairs and in a carpeted room.

If that's the sick song you're talking about Lil, it wasn't Sylvia's Mother (don't tell anyone, but that was one of the first singles I ever bought). It was along similar lines tho, but instead of marrying someone down Galveston way, the femme really was fatale.

Unless I'm getting it mixed up with another song, I think the chorus went something like:
(answering machine)
Hello
This is ?????? (girls name ending in a 'y' or 'ie')
Sorry I'm not home,
but if you leave
Your name and number
blah blah hurl puke etc.

Good game, exchange of lyrics we cant remember properly. I think there are a few songs about answering machines. There was a clever one by Rupert Holmes where two lovers keep missing each other and getting the wrong message re: the others affection. And wasn't there something called the 'beep beep' song? And I think that Dr Hook chappie actually had a 'thang going on' with the mother of Syliva, and disguised it by ringing up constantly using the excuse of wanting to discuss possible liaisons with said Sylvia!

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Christmas, christmas...is it compulsory!

Actually, now that young phillipa's not here I can tell you that they are building up quite a store of decorations in the snug, as thay came free with some s they have 'acquired' in the village.

You will have seen that with all the crying going on the carpet got a bit soggy, but a bit of hot air generation should soon solve the problem.

It's hot air that you want? Perhaps we can get a rant going over the changes to 'Classic Goo' in Ripley 1.3. Changing 'Don't Panic!' to 'Help!', indeed. Appalling!