h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I think we should cover it with wallpaper.

Excellent ideal Lil.

*Gets out hammer and nails and proceeds to attach wallpaper to Rover. Is puzzled by the ever decreasing estimate of paper and nails required, and the ever increasing puddle of blackcurrant jam on the lino. Shrugs and mounts Rover on the wall neext to the mousehead. Uses the blackcurrant jam to paste up the rest of the wallpaper*

Such vision, such creativity! Where were we when they needed us?

**Shovels up remaining blackcurrant jam, to be recycled in kitchens**

(Kitchens? What kitchens?)

Alas poor Rover, I knew him well Number 6
Hmm, anyway, if there are kitchens, can I order a bacon sarnie. I am very hungry, what with this domino playing and decoration avoidance

I am not a number. Have a , best I can do. And who's playing dominoes? Where? Is that allowed? Does that not sound a bit like fun and games?

With the state the dominos are in I don't think you can call it fun. Lovely by the way, but did you have to put Mayonaise in it? Oh, and have you got any brown sauce?

Well, there had better not be any enjoyment going on anywhere. Thats all I can say. And, whats wrong with mayonnaise on a bacon buttie anyway? You want proper cooking, get a chef.

Hey, anyone know a good chef. We could have a nice cafe attached, of the greasy spoon variety of course. Or, perhaps an Italian, but forty years old and never been altered since, apart from innovatory chianti bottles with bent candles stuck in the tops.

Any ideas???

I don't think the menu should contain more than the following:
Crisps - salt in blue twists of paper. No flavours
Pork scratchings -three packets left on card since 1973
Pickled eggs
Pickled onions (no pickle forks are actually ever found in this pub)
Week old mince-pies on New Year's Eve
Nothing else. People who want food can go to the chippie (where they still use lard for frying, I believe)

What, not even those lovely ham sandwiches made with curly bread and ham with a nice metallic sheen to it.

And those three different-coloured rocks they call a ploughman's lunch, don't forget that.

...and the chewy bits at the bottom of a pint of real ale.

*blows up a 20 foot yeast balloon and marches round the pub shouting 'Save the Yeast', until he's set upon by a gang of Norwegian/Japanese Marmite Liberation Front protestors who beat him up and steal his balloon for research purposes*

Something seems to have gone a bit wrong with wumbeevil here.

**peers curiously over rather smeary half frame reading glasses**

Aaaargh! Eeeek! Ow! Geroff!

Wha..wha..what? Oh, it was all a dream!

Sorry about that, a pint of Olde Sweatysocks always sends me to sleep. It saves having to drink it you see.

I was just watching a TV-show called something like 'Aim at the stars' with a lot of amateurs impersonating various artists, and was completely overwhelmed by a young man impersonating Nat King Cole, singing 'Unforgettable'.... *dreamy look in her eyes*

If I may add a personal vote here, I would also reckon Nat King Cole. I do like his early stuff with just a trio, but will happily listen all day to the later ballads and am pleased to catch him on TV as and when they show his old shows on some distant cable station.

[Phillipa]

*Tentatively opening the door, mari-rae's useful niece Phillipa enters the Middle Age Division. She is happy to see some familiar faces inside.*

Hallo, everyone!

This post has been removed.

[Phillipa]

*Bursts into tears*

Sorry, I always cry when I see other people crying. Can't help it. We're crying over that corny song??? Have you done 'Tell Laura I Love Her', yet?

*bursts into 96 tears*

I'd forgotten all about Laura, yeah that's a goody.

*deliberately faces away from the jukebox and his tears turn him into a jetski to propel him back towards it. Looks at the CDs, skips over seasons in the sun and butterfly for bucky, to put on the offending item.*

Global warming nothing, it's this pub that's flooding the world.

Aaaaargh! Noooooo! Help! No, not that one please. Betrayed by my brain again....
What was the one about the girl dying after arguing with her boyfriend and then all he could get was a message on an answering machine?

*drinks a gallon of Old Sweatysocks to spare himself further torture and passes out*