h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

May I join, please? I have a few notes explaining why I feel I am qualified to join, and why my presence would be a necessary benefit to the group, uh... *fiddle, grope* I put the notes in my handbag and, uh, *grope, shake, clinking noises* hold on, they're here somewhere, I wrote them up in detail and then I had to take a few phone calls and when I put the phone down the dog needed to go out *arm now up to elbow in handbag* and I thought I'd get a glass of water and some saltines while I was away from the desk...

Can you wait just a minute while I check my briefcase?

If it pleases 'the committee', my son has referred to me as an 'old fart' (in my presence, can you believe?) and although he has not appended the adjective of 'boring' in a verbal manner; he has inferred it through extensive eye rolling, head shaking, and hunching of shoulders (i.e. Gore-isms).
Additionally, I must admit, tomychagrin, Asteroid Lil would probably vouchsafe for my ability to be boring.
As a point in fact, I do belive no one is paying one whit of attention to what I am saying at this very moment. I dare say, this is quite a boorish manner in which to act.
Anyway...as an aside, I do believe Lil would be a complement to your organization, faction, sect-thingie. If you have ever heard her go on about 'continuity' I'm sure you would agree.

*gives up looking for notes in her handbag and uses it instead to whack jr*

*having spent almost 30 years with one particular member of Lil's gender, jr was already on alert and managed to take the blow on a part of his person that is particularly difficult to damage; his head**besides, who could tell if there was any damage?*

*On a stroll around h2g2, she notices a couple of her friends at a meeting/brawl. She decides to investigate.*

Oh my, I have children that roll their eyes at me. Especially when I play that classic rock station on the car radio. Even when their dad and I insist that the entire family listen to that wonderful Thanksgiving tradition, Alice's Restaurant. Now that I think about it, their are some words of wisdom in that song that could apply to this organization. Listen:

And the only reason I'm singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both f*gg*ts and they won't take either of them. And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

So, anyway, I'd say we are at the organization stage here. Whaddya think?

*Looks expectantly at Lil and jr.*

WM, you're a genius. What could be more boring than to start a committee meeting? Now, where is Pheroneus?

*bang**bang**bang*(gavel noises)
people, please, let's bring this meeting to order

Is there any old (besides us, that is) business to be brought up for the committee's consideration? hmmmm...?

Look you lot, can we have some sedate and becoming behaviour please. I'm busy making up some rules out here.

You, yes you, with the gavel thingy... You can be chairman.

A very jolly and happy birthday to you Lil. I trust you will suitably disgrace yourself, embarrass your entire family and generally have a good time. I suggest you postpone your initiation ceremony until suitably sober. (You are btw, just 13 days older than yours truly!)

Can I present myself as old business?

I'm a self-confessed boring old fart, and this year I was selected for the Zimmer Olympics in the falling off a horse and fracturing a hip trials. I believe I would have won too, if only the horse hadn't fallen asleep every time I talked to it. It wouldn't have been so bad, but it was a rocking horse.

My boring old fartness has also been recognised by my country, why back with Monty in 42 . . .

*is looking through her briefcase for those notes explaining her suitability for this association*

Um, I'd like to nominate Witty Moniker as secretary of the committee. Can I do that yet? Or do we still have to listen to a war story?

I second and third that motion.

War story, there wasn't any war in 1842 ma'am.

*spots note lying on floor*

Is this what you're looking for? It says "PLEASE READ. I am a certified old fart, please direct me to the nearest toilets and tartan trolley shop".

*hands over note*

Secretary, hmmm? I'll consider it on the condition that I be required to read the minutes at each meeting. No dispensing of the reading of the minutes in this organization, no sir. There's nothing more boring than reading minutes. And I'll keep lists, too. And make up really long agendas. Maybe we should send out surveys.

By the way, Robert's Rules of Order states that it's called 'unfinished business', not 'old business'. But in our case, I think old business is more appropriate.

*looks at note* This is literature for the presidential campaign. *puts it carefully back on the floor*

WM, quite right, quite right about old business. Actually, we need to beware of new business where we possibly can. At least shiny business.

I would also like to move that this forum should move to host the Pedant's Millenium Party.

roflol

Please try and regain some control young moniker. Do the words seemly and dignified strike any resonance?

There's been no mention of sub-committees yet. The purpose of having a committee is surely to spawn lots of nice cuddly sub-committees. So could we have one or two straight away please?

In particular, in your haste to get here, you seem not to have noticed that we are still under construction. We therefore could do with a sub-committee ruling on what facilities may be required and appreciated. The Interior Decorators won't be here for a couple of weeks yet, so perhaps we could present them with a triplicated list of impossible demands.

Rules, we need lots of Rules. Think of Rules. Perhaps some Regulations also. What do you think?

**shuffles off muttering about lack of co-operation. "nobody cares about Rules any more, control, thats what we want, keep things in order..."**

*pulls herself together*

I propose a rule: No roflol permitted under any circumstances.

It is done. (nearly)

err some toilets would be nice, but in their absence I propose a rule forbidding the use of the fireplace for micturatory purposes. This need only be applied to your male patrons for obvious reasons.

Can we also have one of those machines in the toilet where you put in your money and get a packet of strawberry flavoured dental fixative?

Ah, at last, a purpose in life!

**Ambles off, humming unpleasantly, to build toilets, make up rules etc.**

What about those air-driers that, if you turn the nozzle round as you leave, can blow off the next user's wig?

May I chair a sub-committee for Interior Decoration? I promise to make you wish that wallpaper had never been invented.

And I propose that a subcommittee be formed to organize festivities for the Pedant's Millenium Celebration. I will contact Peet and sees if he can be co-opted to chair this, seeing as he is a professional pedant.