h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Several dozen memers of the ACF's Navy and Marine Corps run down the beach, accompanied by strange looking creatures (something like a cross between a great-white shark and several species of dog). They find a good looking spot, plant a flag describing the beach as "ACF Territory", and quickly begin packing sand*

~rolls out plans~

OK chaps lets start with the curtain walls and the keep. We can add a gatehouse, turrets and concentric walls later on. Lets concentrate on the basics first.

~signals to olive green painted bulldozer and JCB waiting nearby~

Oh and don`t forget the firing platforms for the air-portable Curiositizers and the pneumatic turd-hurlers .... we may be needing them soon.

~runs off to check other ACF outposts ~

*Bounds up and surveys the work. The keep is pretty much finished and work has begun on the perimeter curtain wall.

BBW runs over and begins digging the moat with his front paws. Sand flys out behind him.*

*Work increases speed. Castle is half done*

~watches as excavation reaches completion and channel is dug to sea to flood moat~

~commences work on turrets, wall crenelations and outlying defence works~

~gazes up in admiration at the immense structure that now dominates the beach~

Do we need a dungeon as well chaps ? Also isn`t there another sandcastle around here somewhere that we need to neutralise ?

Also can we get some ducks for the moat - it doesn`t seem complete without some.

Neutralise? You're not planning on jumping on my sandcastle which I spent months digging and building, are you?

<BB<

Might be.

*a dreadful noise is heard as the ice cream van drives slowly up the beach*

Oooh, soldiers.

Ice cream anyone?

.... it`s the uniform isn`t it ?

~tries to remember whether the Krylma Leader said anything about fraternisation~

Red Dog

Ohyesyesitslovely.


I mean, of course not, I simply thought that you hard working soldiers could do with cooling down.

bluebottle! are you going to let these puppies threaten your sandcastle?!?!?! destroying the h2g2 dream, they are...

*Busterbone appears in Sopwith Pup, spluttering through the sky*


Red Dog, I have Maverick Air-to-Surface Missiles on this baby, just give me the co-ordinates of the sandcastles you want neutralised.

And by the way could you build a sand-airfield as well, my fuel is kinda low.

Ooer, Ice Cream!! Can I have a double decker with chocolate topping and jelly beans.

*throws down money*

~strides into the command tent, in full dress uniform with campaign medals from the infamous "operation fish-quake" and other, equally heroic missions~

No now, chaps, steady on. This talk of destroying BB's sandcastles just isnt on. He is a friend of us fish and so we should all respect him. At least he isnt a cat, eh?

~clears throught and flicks on the public-address system~ Ahem..In the name of public relations, all of the sandcastles on this beach are now officially under ACF Navy protection, and anyone who stomps on one will have to answer to an STS Missile. ~flicks off PA~

Message received and understood.

Destroy Sandcastles - Bad
Protect Sandcastles - Good.

BTW where is my ice cream cone??

I'm sorry, I was in a bit of a trance there, watching you lot do your stuff.

*hands over a double decker with chocolate topping and jelly beans*

Hmm, could I have the most chocalatey creation you can muster, please Mina?

~second Pup coughs, splutters and limps into sight from out of the clouds~ What-ho chaps. ~preens handle bar moustache~ Finally got the old cabbage crate wide-blue yonder but nearly caught the can in the old briny. Wheres the Bally Cats - I`m ready to drop a tenpenny one in the custard. [see http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F75071?thread=135488 for explanation of ACF airforce banter]

*hands over a double chocolate cone, filled with chocolate ice cream, covered in double choc sauce and sprinkled with chocolate vermiwotsit*

I'm not in the way here, am I? Only you all seem a bit busy?

~message canister floats down from the sky~

You`re not in the way at all Mina. You could always think about joining the ACF. We`d be prepared to let you tie up and look after any PoW`s that we capture . You`d only have to promise not to let them escape until you`d finished with them, heh heh heh !

There`s a join up button to press at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A601174 if you`re interested.

Ohh, I'll go and have a look.