h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oooh - look at all those pretty little ships doing the bright sparkly stretchy warpy thingy* into the distance!

[* Technical term used by warp field engineers]

[All at once, the blackness of space, as seen by everyone in the Mangar, becomes a vague shade of pink]

(I guess I'm just lurking since I haven't been doing much for the mission lately... )

[Every single asteroid in the Zork system transforms into fig pudding and, 0.42 seconds later, transform back.]

We'll be in the Rodentar System within five posts. Everyone, to your battle stations! Arm the snowzars! Arm the sleetzars! Arm the polka guns! Oh, and you might want to arm the other stuff too (lazers, photon torpedoes, and all of the other stuff they use in those 'serious' sci-fi shows).

I'll be back in a couple of posts - I'm off to get changed. This goo is hell to get out of yak hair.

By the way, are the yaks with us, or did they go to Hylia?

I think at least some of the yaks are with us, judging by the smell coming from cargo bay 13.

*Arms all of the various weapons named by Affy, including the secret weapon that GL bought in Zork*

[Drat, I thought we'd be describing Improbability Effects...]

The masque just accidentally posted new orders to the STUMPED fleet under my screen name. Oops.

I'm here, but who knows how actively...

Irving the Navigator announces final approach to the Rodentar System. Coming out of hyperspace shortly. Activity in Rodentar system seems quiet... too quiet. Since when has that asteroid belt been there... The Rodentars couldn't possibly have that many ships... could they?

[UNPAID ADVERTISMENT (not really, please don't slap me for H2G2 regulation violations)]

I've been using the Marathon 2/ Marathon Infinity game engine (they kindly provided a level editor that even a non-programmer like I could use) to create a "sequel" to this mission. If anyone would like to give me input on, for instance, inside jokes I shouldn't forget to include, or get more info in general please eMail me at [email protected]. Remember that I don't have any programming skills whatsoever, so I have trouble actually creating new monsters and things. Therefor I'll be using pre-made enemies to represent, for instance the Rodentars.

I'll be distributing my levels for free to any of you who want it (with, of course, the proper disclaimers) so I'm not violating H2G2 OR Bungie Software rules and regulations

~Irving

[Aside to Irving]
I do a bit of 3D as a hobby - if the editor lets you design your own characters etc. then drop me a line at [email protected] and I'd be happy to help make it that little bit "different"...

We have just entered the Rodentar System. Requesting a scanner check on what looks like an asteroid belt that doesn't match up with any of my charts.

DRAT! I just did it AGAIN, backwards! That was Irv, I swear!

Yeah, yeah, that was me.

But this isn't

[A weapons grade fruitcake launches from a dark spot in the Asteroid belt, a spot so dark it could only be... the Raven. Just as the crew registers that this is NOT an asteroid belt, but in fact a HUGE Rodentar Mangol Alliance (RMA) fleet, the fruitcaker crashes into the engine room, killing no one, but damaging the warp drive and crippling the maneouvering engines]

[Peet arrives on the bridge wearing oil-splattered lemon-yellow jeans held up by a pair of "Mork from Ork" rainbow braces, huge red leather boots with steel toecaps and a "Weird Al" tour tee-shirt ("Running with Scissors")]

I suppose I'd better head down to the engine room and see what I can salvage...

[Heads to engine room]

Curse you, Red! Curse you and all of your kind! Curse the evil that causes all of this unhappiness!


Okay, someone fix that warp core! Everyone else, fire every weapon we've got! As soon as we can get our maneuvering capabilities up to standards, I want you to try and break through that fleet!

*Watches as blasts of polka, ice, and sleet zoom through space, and start damaging the shhips that were not fitted with the proper dampening fields, and thanks to the polka song "The Alternative Polka" which doesn't begin with polka sounds, many of the "polka dampener" equipped ships are also being damaged a little*

{Comms from Engine room]
The engines are, frankly, shagged. I can get steering thrusters online without too much difficulty, so you can swivel in space and fire in all directions. I can also jury-rig a slightly unreliable hyperspace jump which can shift us several ship-lengths in a random direction, but has a one-in-four chance of blowing us up.

Affy, I'm transferring control of those functions to the three circular buttons in a triangle formation in front of the wireframe short-range scanner display. Good luck.

Oh, and since the rest of the engine compartment has been squashed, I'm converting it into an accordian to give us the biggest polka cannon ever.

[Mew begins firing Hyper Beams at the enemy fleet]